z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Adventures of Darren Cassidy - Chapter One - The Result of Procrastination

by BrumalHunter


Chapter One – The Result of Procrastination

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a Golden Lucario who travelled the world in search of those who needed his assistance. If a Salamence ravaged the countryside, the Lucario would slay it and help rebuild the ruined towns. If Dark Pokémon invaded the kingdom, he would lead the Royal Army and fight them off. If an evil Mismagius kidnapped the princess and locked her away in the highest room of the tallest tower in the land, he would vanquish the malicious Ghost and free the princess. But then, one day–

‘Darren, what are you doing?’

The light green and cream canine started. Turning away from the storybook, the Electrike grinned guiltily at the Manectric who stood in the doorway. Manectrics were known for their piercing stares, but what made his mother’s gaze even more intimidating was her odd colouring. Normally, a Manectric would be turquoise and cream, but since his mother was what Pokémon called “Shiny”, she was grey-blue and bright yellow instead.

‘Err, reading,’ the Electrike named Darren replied, barely making eye contact.

Still, his mother gazed upon him with that unfaltering stare. ‘I can see that, but you said you still had homework to do. Care to explain?’

Darren shifted his weight from his right side to his left. ‘Well, we were told to create a family tree of the last three generations, so I thought I might find some long-forgotten photos in the drawers.’

His mother lifted her eyebrows. ‘In the lounge or study, perhaps, but in your bedroom?’

‘In hindsight, that may not have been the best idea.’

‘Mmm-hmm. Darren, are you sure this is homework?’

‘Err…’

Darren?’

‘It… might be an assignment.’

His mother pursed her lips and shook her head. ‘That’s what I thought. When’d you get it?’

‘Reshday, two weeks ago.’

‘And when is it due?’

Darren squirmed. ‘The ninth of Diancis…’

‘That’s tomorrow, yet you’re only doing it now?’

‘I only remembered it this morning.’

‘I’m sure.’

‘Really, I did!’

‘Has Aiden completed his yet?’

Darren looked away again. ‘I don’t know. We haven’t talk about it.’

His mother sighed. ‘No, you wouldn’t, and he’s too polite to ask.’ A moment of awkward silence reigned before she spoke again. ‘What made you read that?’ She nodded towards the storybook.

‘I just saw it and remembered how you used to read to me from it when I was younger. I was nostalgic, so I opened it. I didn’t get very far though.’

‘You wouldn’t have found anything anyway – you should have tried “Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Mightyena” instead.’ She broke eye contact and looked at no spot in particular, seeming to be in thought, but then she blinked and looked at him again. ‘Well, lunch is ready. I’ll help you afterwards.’

Darren followed his mother into the lounge where two bowls of Aguav soup lay in front of their favourite pillows. They each lay down and, after saying grace, ate. Normally, they would have shared a conversation over the meal, but with the prospect of going through the family tree looming over them, they ate in silence. Once they had finished, Darren carefully packed the plates into the dishwasher and fetched his work.

‘How far have you gotten?’ his mother asked as he lay down on the pillows again.

‘I only have “Darren Cassidy (1465-) – Electrike – Serious” at the bottom of the page so far.’

‘Only that?’ his mother asked, slightly surprised. ‘What about me?’

‘I know your birthday is on the fifteenth of Volcis, on the day of the full moon, but I don’t know in which year you were born.’

His mother smiled. ‘I see. Write “Audrey Cassidy (1447-) – Shiny Manectric – Calm” at the appropriate spot.’

Darren did so, frowning in concentration as he moved the pen clutched in his paw. He never liked writing, but he supposed that was to be expected, seeing as he didn’t have thumbs like some of the other Pokémon.

‘All right, done. Who’s next?’

‘My brother, of course. “Dustin Cassidy (1442-) – Manectric – Sassy”.’

‘Is he the one who–?’

‘Yes, he is.’

Darren wrote down his uncle’s details and then looked up expectantly.

‘For my father, you write “Edward Cassidy…” Hold on, let me remember…’ His mother wrinkled her nose. ‘Err, “Edward Cassidy (1415-1453) – Manectric – Serious”.’

‘And your mother?’ Darren asked once he’d finished.

‘“Catherine Everett (1412-1464) – Absol – Bashful”.’ She smiled warmly, apparently recalling fond memories, but when Darren finished and looked up again, she frowned. ‘Isn’t that it?’

‘Mr Cameron specifically said we had to go back three generations, ours not included.’

‘See, this is why he gave you two weeks to do this,’ his mother scolded, standing up and walking over to the cabinets along the wall. ‘Now I have to dig through here to find my grandparents’ birthdates…’ With her head in the cabinet, she called, ‘But you’re not just going to sit there. My mother had a sister. Write “Victoria Haley (1410-) – Umbreon – Hardy”.’

‘Your voice is a little muffled, mom,’ Darren said while writing the details down. ‘When’d you say great aunt Victoria died?’

His mother withdrew her head from the cabinet. ‘I didn’t.’

‘You mean she’s still alive?’ Darren asked, surprised.

‘She’s only seventy, you know.’

‘Of course, right. Where does she live?’

‘Some Arceus-forsaken town in Narphrax. She moved there many years ago, but goodness knows why. Most of Narphrax is a wasteland.’

‘Hmm. Did you have any other aunts or uncles?’

‘No, just her.’

‘Did you ever meet her?’

‘Several times. She seemed nice enough, but my mother’s side of the family are a queer lot.’ She rummaged through the cabinet some more, but then, suddenly, she exclaimed, ‘Aha! I found it!’ Looking triumphant, she placed a tattered journal in front of Darren. ‘Go on, open it.’

Darren did so, but a cloud of dust wafted up from the book and sent both mother and son into a fit of sneezing. Once his eyes had stopped watering, Darren paged through the book, but the ink on most of the pages was too faded to read. ‘What is it?’

‘It’s my father’s old journal. I recalled he had once drawn a very crude family tree in it. It was somewhere at the back. Let me see…’ She paged through until she reached a section of the journal where the ink was noticeably less faded. After passing a certain page, she mumbled something and went back a few. ‘There! All right, I’ll read and then you write down. Ready?’

‘Ready.’

‘Okay, the entry for my grandfather on my father’s side reads “Hayden Cassidy (1394-1449) – Shiny Manectric – Jolly” and his wife’s entry reads “Vanessa Lachlan (1395-1422) – Luxray – Quirky”. Got that?’

‘Vanessa Lachlan… Luxray… Got it.’

‘Good, now get ready, because your great grandfather had three other siblings: an elder brother and sister and a younger brother.’

She read the three siblings’ entries in rapid fire, not realising Darren couldn’t keep up. Several times, he had to ask her to repeat herself, but eventually, they got it done.

‘How much do we still have to do?’ the Electrike asked, exhausted.

‘If you had spread the work out evenly over two weekends, or even just two days, you wouldn’t be so bored right now. But relax; we only have two entries left.’

Darren looked out the window. The sun was already beginning to set. The project had taken much longer than he had expected it to. ‘Well, the sooner I finish this, the better.’

‘See, now if only you had that attitude yesterday. Anyway, the last entries are for my mother’s parents: “Jasper Everett (1379-1467) – Flareon – Mild” and “Margaret Haley (1380-1463) – Absol – Gentle”.’

‘And I… am… done!’ Darren called ecstatically.

‘Great stuff! Now, go put that in your bag before you forget it.’

Darren made to pick the assignment up, but then spotted an open space. ‘Oh, right. Err, mom, there’s one entry left.’

‘And which is that?’ his mother asked while putting the journal back into the cabinet.

‘Dad.’

His mother froze. ‘Ah, of course. Can’t leave him out, can we? “Axel Sheridan (1441-) – Mightyena – Bold”.’

Darren quickly added his father’s details and then put the pen’s cap back on. He went to his room and made to place the family tree in his bag, but instead, he just stared at his father’s name, dreading the presentation he would have to make the next day…

‘Darren, for the third time, will you come help me cut the Persim Berries?’

Darren started and placed the family tree in his bag. ‘I’m coming!’


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Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:37 pm
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TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



ARGH, I'M LATE. But finally here! Alrighty then, allow me to review as well!

Once again, I didn't detect nitpicks, but then again, i'm reviewing you, so I didn't really expect to have to do that.

I. Impressions of the Shell Master!

-POKEMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONS
-Magnetrik is one of my favorite 'Mons in existance, so I'm happy you chose him, but... Maybe you should add more descriptions of the Pokemons, since those who don't know this world might be unable to guess its features. It's good that you said it was a canine one though, it does help to imagine.
-That was a quite informative chapter. I liked it, 'cause it kind of introduces how your world is basiclaly a human world... except that you replace the humans with pokemons. They have books, they can write, etc. That's interesting.
-That opening narration. I like how you basically summarized all the Fairy Tales clichés with it. I hope we'll know what happens to that Lucario!

End of the Impressions!


So... The only true suggestion I had was already mention: give some more precise descriptions of the pokemons for those who don't know them, and Bulpapedia is definitely the source you'd like to use for detailed descriptions. Like, not necessarily copy/paste, but it is inspiring when it comes to describing those monsters to people.
Food for thought.


Conclusion?

I liked it. I'm looking forward to seeing how the school works, too. As well as what they learn, if you know what I mean :p

Cheers, Astral!

~Shell Master Tortwag




BrumalHunter says...


How have I not responded to this?

I - Impressions
%u2660 My favourite Electric Pokemon are Manectric and Luxray, but they are also two of my very favourites. Their awesomeness is undeniable. ;)
%u2660 More descriptions, got it.
%u2660 It was my intent to make the world appear modern and independent of humans, so I am delighted you perceive it that way.
%u2660 The fairy tale is one colossal cliche, yes. As for the Lucario, I never intended to build on him any further, but since both you and Buggie wanted to know more about him, I decided I should. However, he won't be mentioned again for some time.

II - Suggestions
%u2666 Believe me, I am familiar with Bulbapedia, as it is my primary research site for all things Pokemon. And I have actually used its descriptions before - all in PMD, of course. But I shall use descriptions more often, as you will see once I publish chapter two.

III - Conclusion
%u2665 The first three classes will be introduced in chapter two, but only one of them will be of any importance. Luckily, the school week will only be concluded in five of our weeks, so there is still plenty of time to work on the content of the classes.

Thank you for your review, Tortwag! It was certainly helpful and I shall take your advice to heart.



TinkerTwaggy says...


I.
- I especially like manectric mostly because he's MUCH faster. Luxray's pretty good too, though. (and his design is fantastic)
- yyyup.
- That means you're doin' a good job, as you've heard in my later reviews!
- Eh, it's fine. It would just be fun to hear more about the tale, and by extension that Lucario.

II.
- Ikr? And yeah, I DID see more desccriptions later on, so good job there too.

III.
- Of course. Can't wait to see them all, since I still haven't.

And you're welcome, Astral :D Always a pleasure ;)



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Sat Jul 18, 2015 4:47 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there!

It seems we are all giving impressions, so I will do this as well, before I start berating you about this and that.

1. I love Darren's mom so much. She acts exactly the way I do with my section members, and her personality is very clear already. I like how there's already history going on with her life as well.

2. Having come into this story with a few expectations, I am happy to say that you've swept them all off the floor and dumped them into the compost bin. (They were kind of lame expectations anyways.) The air of mystery is quite thick, and I definitely appreciate it. I know from now on to never expect anything less than highly intriguing.

3. I am incredibly curious about what the Lucario story has to do with anything. Darren's mom's reaction made me a bit suspicious as well.

Now then! Onto the notes:

Note one: I am somewhat confused about why you switched the double quotations and single quotations. I figure it's just style, and that you know better, but I thought it best to mention.

Note two: Given how often you compliment and fix my verb choice, I feel like you would pick stronger verbs overall. (i.e: I pretty much never use the word 'put'. Like... that word has no character. You used it several times though.) Just remember: A calm scene does not mean you can skimp on your verbs!

And I think that's about it... Flash already addressed the other thing I was going to mention.

(By the way, I hope you know I'm only being harsh because I already know how good you are. I have a habit of pushing people as far as possible.)

Anyways, I look forward to seeing where you take this, especially once Darren's out of school and roving about the country. (Or that's what I assume he'll be doing.) With all the family secrets and possible side characters, this is bound to be an interesting ride.

Ciao for now!
-Buggie




Ventomology says...


By the way, I did not realize what you meant by 'inverted commas' until after posting this review. Excuse my ignorance, please.



BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for review, Buggie! As with Ender, I shall address the matters in order of appearance.

1. Yay! Then I can consider her a success. (And believe me, her history will become far more significant once you read the next chapter.)

2. You flatter me. ^_^ But I am delighted my attempt was not in vain. There are many subtle bits of information in this chapter. For example, I already showed the reader that the names of the days and months aren't the same, and I also gave two hints as to why Audrey Cassidy is Shiny. ;)

3. This will be disappointing, but the Lucario story has nothing to do with my story at all - I simply wanted an excuse to start my novel with "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away..." without making a fool of myself. XD (Also, the story she mentions is the one on which you should focus...)

Note One - Judging from your reply, I assume you have figured this part out for yourself. (Reading my two other responses will clarify things if you haven't.)

Note Two - Ah, here I have no excuse. I shall keep it in mind, thank you.

I don't mind the harshness, since I won't grow simply by receiving praise the whole time. I look forward to reading more of your reviews! (And Darren will be travelling, yes, but since there are two weeks of the story left before that happens, it may take a few months before we reach that point...)



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Sat Jul 18, 2015 2:27 am
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EnderFlash wrote a review...



*chokes* I was beaten to first! D:

Anyways, I'm a little surprised by the reversal of the uses of the " and the ', but hey, I guess everyone has their own way of doing things.

You're a little sparse on details in areas, but since the main focus seems to be the conversation/project on Darren's family, I guess that's to be expected. Since they're pokemon (POKEMONZZZZ YESSSSS), you could describe how things might be different from their human versions. You do write some changes, but every little bit counts, like maybe the plates being different so that it's easier to pick up with their teeth in one go.

Following up on the detail thing, what's the environment like? I can't imagine the lounge to be much more than a couple pillows right now. So the kitchen and the storage is in the lounge? It can't be only a food place, since the mom stores old diaries in there, too. Describe the surroundings more. In general, more detail.

Alright, this segment is more for my thoughts on this chapter.

1. Not much happened. I'm expecting the seventy-year-old relative to be rather important, since she was discussed.
2. It's Pokemon. That's already a good thing.
3. I don't know why, but I'm seeing the mom as being a BAMF later. Probably because of the shiny part, ha ha.

This is a good start! It introduces the MC and lots of potential side characters (the family members), and I can't wait to see what's going to happen next. d(._.)b




BrumalHunter says...


Thank you for your review. I shall address the various matters in chronological order.

As I told SharraeWilson below, I use the single inverted comma instead of the double because that's the format I have encountered the most while reading. Nevertheless, feel free to use whichever format you prefer.

As for my lack of description for Darren's house, for that I have no reasonable reply. I do have an excuse though, if that helps: the setting is only Darren's house for the first part of the story. From chapter two onwards, the focus will be on other environments. In that case, I can assure you there will be decent descriptions of his surroundings.

1. I don't want to give anything away, but if Victoria were to feature, it would only be much later. However, do keep in mind that a lot of the times when people are having a conversation, it consists mostly of banter. But well-spotted, I'll grant you that. Not many people I know would have looked at her mention in such a way. (If only more people did think that way...) But there is something else you missed - something that happens to be of significant importance. Two somethings, actually. (I'll leave it to you to figure out what.)
2. Agreed.
3. I have no idea what BAMF means...

Once again, thank you for the review. It has been quite helpful, and if I am to give you a hint, I'd say there are three names in that family tree to which you must pay particular attention...



EnderFlash says...


It's all from my senses of reading manga x3x when in fiction, if a character is not glossed over immediately, I just kinda go 'YOU WILL APPEAR'. BAMF? :p Search it up.



BrumalHunter says...


I now know what BAMF means. (No, she won't be one, sorry.)



EnderFlash says...


Awwww. Well, someone gotta have that role :x



BrumalHunter says...


Of course; just not her.



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Sat Jul 18, 2015 2:06 am
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



Once upon a time, in a land far, far away,

Never have I ever read a story that started of with this. Olden Classic, whatever he's reading must be good if it starts with that. LOL.
I shall continue to read. I'm Sharrae by the way,
Quick note though. When you start with people talking, it's best to use double quotation marks instead of single.
The light green and cream canine started.

What are you describing here? Because you describe the mother at the end of this paragraph.
You know how I said to use double quotations. Well when you working on the Family Tree project, make those quotation marks single.

Well, this was very, interesting. I wish you had described him and his mother more as well. Because all I get is that he has three fingers. I guess I need to learn more about Pokemon, maybe then I'd know. But even without that knowledge, I'd like to know where this goes because of the title. That's the first thing that drew me in and the next was the beginning. I hope the next chapter has the same draw.
So good luck with the next one.
~Sharrae out, tottles




BrumalHunter says...


I had commented here already, but it seems these replies aren't fans of diacretics, so let me try again.

Thank you for your review. I only have two things I want to address. Firstly, the inverted commas (quotation marks) and secondly, the descriptions.

I use a single inverted comma to begin dialogue and two to quote because that's how it's professionally used. I read a lot (though I read more when I was younger), so this style has become familiar to me. Just to be certain I wasn't mistaken, I took Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by Joanne Rowling and Stonehenge by Bernard Cornwell from my shelf and picked up Tiger's Curse by Colleen Houck, which was lying next to me, and flipped through the pages. All three used the same format I do, so I'm sure you can understand how that influences my writing. (Although I have occasionally come across an author who uses the same format you do, but they are the exception, it seems.)

Now, the descriptions. Whenever I read Pokemon fanfiction (excuse the lack of a diacretic - YWS would eat my reply if I included the acute), it seems the authors neglect description of the Pokemon because they assume the readers already know what the Pokemon look like. I, on the other hand, still like to describe them, but it also helps for readers who aren't familiar with the Pokemon franchise. However, I apologise if my calling Darren a "light green and cream canine" confused you. I shall keep it in mind, in future. (There is an image of an Electrike enspoilered below.)
Spoiler! :
Image


Once again, thank you for your review!



ChimeraMania says...


Ah now I do understand the quotations and the picture helped a lot. I really do like this now that it's a bit more understanding. You're welcome for the review. Oh and Darren is just a cute little thing. You'll have to probably help me more often with how they -Pokemon- look from now on.



BrumalHunter says...


I shall do so. But in that case, here's an image of a Manectric. (Just remember to replace the colours with the ones I described, for reasons already provided.)

Spoiler! :
Image



ChimeraMania says...


Thanks, still so cute




I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal