Therefore, the first thing he did when he left school was go home and call for his mother. Of course, she didn’t answer, since she was still at work (a fact Darren felt foolish for forgetting), so he dropped his bag on the floor and entered the kitchen. He then made two Miltank-cheese sandwiches and headed for the centre of the village.
Beside the not-so-grand village hall, there stood a small building with many cables leading from it. Unlike the hall, it made no attempt at impressing any passers-by, rather sitting like a rock on a mountain. The Dalton Village Power Station was the village’s heart, providing the electric blood that kept the body alive, but it only ever received attention when it stopped beating. It didn’t bother Darren’s mother much, but it bothered him, and since he was to be the village’s future power supplier, he knew it would plague him from the day he started working to the day he was finally allowed to stop.
Walking up to the door with the two sandwich bags in his mouth, he pulled on the lower of the two door handles, sidled through, and closed it with his right hind leg. He peeked in through the door to his mother’s office, but, seeing nothing, proceeded to the battery room. He knocked, entering afterwards.
It turned out that was not one of his best ideas, since he opened the door to a flare of yellow. The next thing he knew, his body was brimming with energy and the sandwich he had held was nothing but cinders and burned crumbs.
‘Darren!’
If Audrey Cassidy were bipedal and had arms, they would be on her hips. As it were, she was not and possessed only legs, so an intimidating stare was employed instead. Receiving that stare once a week was bad enough, but since it was the second day in a row, Darren realised he’d have to tread lightly.
Darren grinned Mareepishly. ‘Sorry, mom.’
‘Sorry wouldn’t have saved you from that Thunderbolt. You should know better than to enter here when I’m busy working. What do you think would have happened if your Ability hadn’t been Lightning Rod?’
‘Err, it would probably have hit the battery and you would scold me for entering in any case.’
‘That may be true, but it doesn’t excuse your cheek.’
‘Sorry.’
‘Go wait in the office until I’m done here.’
‘Could you use Electric Terrain before you use Thunderbolt?’ Darren asked, his eyes glinting.
‘Why? It’s not like you would be able to see the amplified Thunderbolt.’
‘I know, but we just had a lesson on terrain moves, and since Mr Kana said you know it, I thought I’d ask you to demonstrate.’
His mother sighed. ‘All right, I suppose I can, but close the door first.’
‘Great!’ Darren rushed inside and shoved the door close. ‘How do you do it?’
She frowned. ‘I haven’t really thought about that since I first learned the move. But if I have to explain it, I guess I would have to say you essentially just fire a Shock Wave into the area that surrounds you. Keep in mind you aren’t trying to hurt anyone, so you have to focus on spreading the electricity out as far as possible.’
‘Is that it?’
‘Well, not quite, seeing as you have to get the electricity to linger for a little while, so it takes a lot of practice. In fact, it took me a few weeks just to get the electricity to last for more than a second. So it’s definitely not easy, despite it being simple.’
‘So, are you still going to show me?’
‘Yes, right.’
Electricity began to crackle in the Manectric’s slate fur, and after a few seconds, it flared in all directions, creeping across the floors and walls. However, neither Pokémon had taken into account that Lightning Rod attracted all Electric attacks, so Darren quickly absorbed all the electricity.
‘If you ever learn Electric Terrain,’ his mother said, shaking her head but smiling nonetheless, ‘make sure none of your other friends, colleagues or party members know any Electric type moves or have Lightning Rod as their Ability, since you will frustrate each other immensely.
‘Thanks for the advice, mom.’
‘No problem. Now, shoo! I have work to do. I’ll be out in a moment.’
Darren exited the room, but instead of waiting in the office, as his mother would probably have preferred, he simply went fetched his sandwich and waited outside the door. He loved hearing Electric moves being used, since it was exhilarating and awesome to behold. Sure enough, he heard the static roar of the bolt hitting the battery, and he knew that it would easily keep the village running for another few days. (Of course, his mother went to work every day, so she ensured that the battery was practically always filled to maximum capacity.)
When the door next opened, Darren beamed at his mother. ‘That was amazing!’
‘You didn’t even see it…’ she countered modestly.
‘Hearing it was enough. But I’ll see it, someday.’
‘That you will, but for now, let’s go home.’
‘Here’s a sandwich for you,’ he said as they exited the building.
‘Thank you, my darling. Where’s yours?’
‘Incinerated, but I can always make myself another one at home.’
Once they arrived at the house, however, his mother returned the favour and made him a sandwich, afterwards telling him, at his request, about all the Electric moves she knew. By the time it was getting dark, she had still not finished, so she continued the conversation throughout their supper’s preparation and consumption. When finally she did finish, it was time for Darren to go to bed, so he bade her good night and retired, dreaming of how he used Thunderbolt to defeat a feral flock of Staravia.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Electric moves ARE pretty freakin' amazing. There's a reason why I always included a Raichu during my 5 or 6 replays of Fire Red.
I. Impressions of the Shell Master!
1. Oh. This chapter starts with "therefore". Yeah, well it IS a 3rd part, so I guess it's logic. It surprised me for some reason.
2. That first descriptive paragraph about the battery was amazing. Basically, her Mom's job is taken for granted and totally ignored, which he dislikes for quite understandable reasons.
3. Um... No.
Okay so, this is your world. You can bend the established rules of Pokemon as you wish, and I find fabulous that you can do so, especially with the writing abilities you have. In fact, it's MUCH FUNNIER to bend the rules.
But I've come to udnerstand that you wish to expand them in your own way, which is why I shall tell you this, not to hinder, but to help: when Lightning Rod is in effect, first of all it can't absorb an entire Electric Terrain, as it's a large area effect (electricity's waaaaay to spread for that anyway), even though they're in a closed place.
And second, Lightning Rod acts as an automatic safe measure. AKA, if a PARTNER uses an electric move thrown at someone, Darren isn't going to absorb it (unless it's Discharge, which directly puts him in danger). That only happens if an enemy attacks one of his allies, or himself. Hope you can keep that in mind for future chapters, it's important that you do if you DO use the Anime/Games to build up your world.
4. Oh hey, look at that, Astral did a better job at describing electricity than I did in my own chapters, ahahahahah....
is not jealous at all*looks at Buggie's Review* Yup, I knew she'd mention it.
5. For someone who never went to schoo, Audrey speaks better than quite a few scholars I've seen. This is merely an observation, for I've seen enough amazing adults who didn't do much at school being quite eloquant/instereting to listen to to believe that it's possible. It just adds to the "super mom" feeling I get whenever I read Audrey's dialogue.
6. Speakin' of dialogues... Man, it's incredible how different from Buggie's, Ender's and especially my type of dialogues yours is. I don't know how to explain it precisely, I mean... it's your style, but...
...To me, Buggie's dialogue is Modern Human, Ender's dialogue is Young Human, my dialogue is Cartoon Human, and your dialogue is... Humanoid? I... I'm not sure. All of those definitions are hypothetic and probably subject to change (except mine, I'm a cartoon character at heart), but I'm not sure. I just really like the way your dialogue feels.
II. Conclusion
Actually, I pretty much said everything up there. Another very simple chapter, though I have to say, that was a REALLY SHORT ending to your chapter XD Like, seriously, the begining felt quite detailed, but that ending felt like -
"hecamebackhomekeptonchattingandwenttobed NEXT!"
O.o Ah, well. You were probably tired or somethin'. On with the show!
~Shell Master Tortwag~
I like Electric types a lot more after I started writing for Darren than before, that's for sure.
Impressions:
1. Yeah, I had all the previous chapters in front of me in Word, so I didn't keep that in mind.
2. That was the intention of that paragraph, so yay!
3. Ah. That explanation is quite useful, thank you. I shall keep those things in mind.
4. I'm just laughing right now. XD
5. Audrey Cassidy is indeed a supermom and wiser than she lets on. That's why she's my favourite mom character thus far.
6. Modern Human, Young Human, Cartoon Human, and Humanoid? Those are certainly interesting observations, but it's a pity writing styles are so difficult to explain. I'm intrigued and would love to read what you mean. Either way, I'm pleased you like my dialogue. ^_^
Yeah, I just wanted to end that scene and be done with it. The next chapter starts similarly. I should work on my bridges...
Then you'll LOVE THEM in games. Like, even the animations for electric moves are thrilling (especially Thunder Punch and Thunder. ShockWave too, actually. And don't even get me started on Volt Tackle *_*)
Modern Human:
1. Eh. It's fine. It makes sense, as I saif.
2. *thumbs up*
3. Please do. Especially when you're doin' battles.
4. Good. Keep doin' that. 'Cause i'm cryin' T_T
5. Few of your Mom characters will top her. I can feel it.
6. I AM peculiar, so it's to be expected. Now read the Spoiler.
Spoiler
To me, Buggie's style feels like everything she writes, no matter the setting, makes the characters profundly humans, in a very realistic and 2000-ish way. That includes Flurry in PMD: she just talks like I'd imagine a 2000-ish youngster talk. Twinkiel or Gabriel for instance, do not fit that mold.
Young Human:
In Ender's case, despite the situation her characters are in, it feels like they're all... teens. Characters in construction, talking about they're future as something far away that's to come. That's mostly how it feels to me so far, and also because Ender makes a lot of modern references in her dialogue (to youtube or memes).
Cartoon Human:
My style of writing directly takes his inspiration from everything fictional I've seen, or lines I've heard from everywhere. My characters are thrown in a world that's a BIG FAT cartoon from which I sent my own rules. I'm working on my style so that when you look at it, it feels like some kind of big dream. And it reflects in the way my descriptions show off my characters, or just how themselves act.
Humanoid:
I can't define yoru style precisely, because it's... relateble, realistic, witty, kinda serious in the way your characters deal with things, and not as light-hearted as most of my stuff, for instance. Yet it DOES have a happy note sometimes, but it's just so... human, and so above it at the same time. Your writnig feels like it wants to be human, yet slightly above that - something thought-provoking.[/b]
There. Thoughts? Opinions?
Hello there! Sorry it took me so long to get around to this chapter. I was saving it for review day. (I think Tort's was the only one I didn't, since we decided to chat about me sketching his characters.)
Anyways, straight to the points:
Note 1: There is always something new to try when describing the elements.
After reviewing so many chapters of Tort's work, which also involves much attacking and magic and elemental whats-it, I have developed an odd dislike for using the name of an element to describe that element. In the future, when you describe electrical attacks, try to avoid using any variation of the word "electricity" more than once per chapter. Same goes for fire, water, and so on.
Note 2: You got really lazy at the end there. This might have been a good opportunity to explain how the move-learning system works in your specific Pokemon universe.
But hey, I'm sure you'll cover it eventually. That's what school is for.
Note 3: I am kind of confused about the last sentence. Is this dream something that actually happened once, or something Darren imagines happening? I assume, knowing you, that you'll be able to clear this up with little trouble.
Impressions!
1. Not much happened plot-wise, and I couldn't find anything that I could file under the "possible foreshadowing" title. Is this because you were still unable to access your planning, or are you stalling?
2. I loved the metaphor near the beginning about the power plant being the heart of the city. A++ It sounded like something something you would comment on in my own writing.
3. Also, I love the dialogue. It's very different from the seriousness and silliness that constitutes our other companions' work, and it gives the piece a solid, witty tone.
Euum... that's about it. Have a lovely review day!
-Buggie
There's no problem at all! The only reason I'm not reviewing today is because I still had to finish my chapter and that our internet capacity is being stretched. (Un)Fortunately, I got myself signed up to another project - the NaRevWriMo (National Review Writing Month) - so I shall be reviewing all of your, Ender's and Tort's chapters.
But in future chapters, when they actually start battling, you can expect variety from me.
Notes:
1. Believe me, I know what you mean. In this case, I didn't put much effort into it, since I was just stalling until I could access my planning - which I can now!
2. You want me to explain that system already? D: That only comes later, and once I do get there, it will be explained in such detail, you might even call it an infodump.
3. It was a dream. Darren was imagining using Thunderbolt (a powerful Electric move) to beat a feral flock of Staravia (something he might actually encounter).
Impressions:
1. Yes, that was stalling. You can call this a filler, since that is exactly what it is.
2. Yay! You can probably tell I put more effort into that description than all the others before it.
3. I am delighted you feel that way. I strive to make all my dialogue as interesting and enjoyable as possible.
Thank you for the review, and may you have a spectacular Review Day yourself!
MMMMMMMGH COMING IN
I'm going to try to get this week's reviews up before school starts, since when it does I'll feel REALLY lazy. *sobs* School less than two days? Where did summer vacation go?
I know the beginning is based off of the last chapter, but starting a new chapter on 'Therefore' can make things a little confusing. With a week-long gap between releases, readers (coughespeciallymecough) might lose track of the specifics.
I'm a little bit confused with the sandwich ordeal. He goes in with two sandwich bags and then somehow is only holding one when he gets hit with the electric-type move. It looks like he placed the other sandwich somewhere safe, but I don't see that action mentioned. Or, did only one sandwich get hit? If so, where'd he put the other one afterwards? Small nitpick, though.
The description is good, but I'd love to see a little bit more. Is the inside of the power plant just the office room, hallways, and the battery room, or are there more rooms for possible other workers? What does the battery room look like? Where's the battery? A few more details would make what you're doing right now even better.
Yes, of course, how foolish of me. I had written this part with the previous ones in front of me, so I didn't realise that it could be confusing. I shall keep it in mind in future.
Oh, and I couldn't understand what you had said about the one sandwich, but I read the scene again and realised I had edited it. During this edit, I had removed the part where I mentioned that, but Darren placed the one sandwich on his mother's office.
As for the description, yes, I woefully neglected it, but I think I'll leave the appearance over to your imagination.