Strain

Strain

By Ryan H.

As he turned the gas stove on to prepare his oatmeal, Allyn faced trouble getting the rickety pilot to light. Click, click, click muttered the stove. On the fourth click, the pilot finally ignited. As he gazed upon the flame, Allyn’s heart felt like it was going to burst and sweat began to drip down his face. Suddenly, he hears the faint screams of agony and torture coming from the small stove flame. He snaps out of his trance and turns the stove off in a frenzy as he yells at himself “I have to get ready for work”, he repeats “I have to get ready for work.” He quietly eats his oatmeal as he is unaware of the mouse scurrying across the kitchenette. Allyn finishes his oatmeal, showers, gets dressed and heads out the door. As Allyn stepped out the door, the sun was shining brightly on this summer day in Ox, Oklahoma. He walks towards his 1984 Volkswagen Jetta. He turned the key to start the car only to hear the sputtering engine. After several attempts, the engine kicked in and the car started. Allyn backed out of his driveway and headed to work.

Allyn arrives at the factory and walks through the door only to be greeted by an anticipated invitation to his boss’s office. He walks through the door and the boss states “good morning Allyn, why don’t you have a seat.” Allyn sits down in the chair situated directly across from his boss’s desk. Allyn was about to speak, however, his boss interrupted him by saying “I know exactly what you are going to say. Don’t waste your breath.” Without any interruption from Allyn, he continues “You are half an hour late on your first day and John put in a lot of time trying to get you this job. I will let you off with a warning this time son, but don’t let me and John down.” Allyn says, “yes sir” and leaves his boss’s office.

Since childhood, John and Allyn have always been best friends. They were neighbors in suburban Oklahoma. They always looked out for each other and stood up for each other when times were tough. After high school, they slowly drifted apart. In college, Allyn met a girl named Cassandra, Cass for short. Once Allyn and Cass graduated college, they got married and moved closer to Cass’s family near Oklahoma City. John, however, had different plans. After his aunt passed away, his uncle was left to manage his factory in Ox, Oklahoma so John moved there to help his uncle. Due to this circumstance, John never finished college. In Ox, John met someone who would later become his wife. He now has two daughters and is very content with his life in Ox. After Allyn’s life fell apart, John stepped in to help him out even though they hadn’t seen each other in more than five years.

Allyn finishes his first day of work and before he is about to leave he notices John talking to the receptionist. John notices Allyn and is happy to see him and waves him over. John asks Allyn how his first day went. Allyn responds, “it went fine.” John asks Allyn “where are you heading now.” Allyn replies “probably just going to head home. Nothing much else to do anyway.” John says, “I thought you had your first appointment with Dr. Ford tonight.” Allyn then says, “I almost forgot, I guess I am heading there.” John reassures Allyn by stating “there is nothing wrong with getting some help. I am worried about you bud and just want to see you get through this.” Allyn says, “thanks John, I’ll let you know how it goes.” Allyn heads out the door, gets in his car and heads to Dr. Ford’s office.

Allyn arrives at Dr. Ford’s office and checks in with the receptionist. The receptionist tells him to have a seat, complete a packet of forms and the doctor will be with him shortly. Dr. Ford is the only therapist in Ox. The only other therapy office is about 100 miles away. Dr. Ford is a native of Ox and always wanted to remain a resident to help his hometown. Allyn was nervous about seeing Ford as he never felt the need to see a therapist. The receptionist called Allyn’s name and showed him to Dr. Ford’s office. “Good evening Allyn, please take a seat and make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink? I have coffee, bottled water or soda”, said Dr. Ford.

No response.

Dr. Ford continues, “so Allyn how has life in Ox been going for you?”

No response.

The doctor then states, “I know this is difficult for you, but you need to meet me half way.” Allyn takes a deep breath, sighs and says, “Okay.” Dr. Ford asks Allyn, “What brought you to Ox in the first place?” “I just needed to get away”, Allyn replied. “Away from what,” asked Dr. Ford. “My past”, responded Allyn. “Please elaborate,” asked Dr. Ford.

No response

Dr. Ford repeats, “Allyn, please elaborate.” Allyn reluctantly states, my wife and I had a falling out.” What’s your wife’s name?”, queried Dr. Ford. “Cassandra,” replied Allyn. “Since you relocated to Ox, I presume you are legally separated,” stated Dr. Ford. Allyn replied, “the divorce will be final next week.” “Can you tell me more about the falling out?” queried Dr. Ford. “A tragedy occurred, and Cassandra put the blame on me,” muttered Allyn.

“Do you want to talk about the tragedy?” said Dr. Ford. Almost instantly Allyn replied with a faint “No.” In a soft tone, Dr. Ford asks Allyn “was your marriage on solid ground before the tragedy?” Allyn replies, “I thought so.” “So, the tragedy changed everything, correct?” said Dr. Ford. Allyn replied with a definite “Yes.”

“Okay, I think we are getting somewhere now. If we could restate what we discussed tonight would it be accurate to say that Cassandra made you feel bad about yourself when she blamed you for the tragedy,” asked Dr. Ford.

No response

Dr. Ford spoke to Allyn in a serious tone, “I think it would help me to understand how Cassandra made you feel, so if it’s too hard to discuss, let me give you a list of words and you can tell me whether you agree or disagree. Okay?” Allyn muttered, “Okay.” “Let’s begin,” said Dr. Ford. Dr. Ford “Hurt”, Allyn “Agree”, Dr. Ford “Sad”, Allyn “Agree”, Dr. Ford “Angry”, Allyn “Agree”, Dr. Ford “Useless”

Allyn did not immediately respond to this word. Rather, he began to sweat, and his heart started to race. In his head, Allyn began to hear a woman's voice in a very hostile tone telling him “You're useless you couldn’t save her” - Dr. Ford got Allyn to snap out of his trance. Once out of his trance Allyn’s mood took a drastic turn and he became furious. Allyn exclaims to Ford, “We’re done here! Don’t expect me back!” Allyn furiously storms out of his office to head home. Dr. Ford realized he hit a nerve and let Allyn go home to cool down. On his way home, Allyn, still angry from his session, is lost in his thoughts and not paying attention to the road and is greeted by a tree staring down the front of his car. Once he realizes the oncoming collision is approaching, he slams on the brakes, but was too late, crashes and gets knocked unconscious.

Allyn slowly but surely parts his eyelids, one from the other, to open his eyes and finds himself resting in a hospital bed. A nurse is standing next to him checking his vitals. Mumbling, Allyn begins to sit up in bed. Recognizing this, the nurse says, “Oh good you’re awake.” Confused, Allyn says “what happened after I crashed?” The nurse responds, “someone heard the crash and called for help. After that you were brought here, and your car was towed. You didn’t suffer any severe injuries and after a crash like that, I’d say you’re lucky.” Allyn then says, “how long have I been out?” The nurse replies, “all night. At this point it’s the crack of dawn.” “That clears everything up, thanks” Allyn replied. After a few hours, Allyn is visited by John. John says, “are you doing okay?” Allyn responds, “nurse said I got a bit scuffed up, and that’s it.” Relieved, John says, “thank the Lord, nothing but a few bruises.” He continues, “your car was put into the repair shop, it’ll be fixed within a couple days and I convinced the boss to give you some off time to recover.” John then hands Allyn a get well soon card that everyone from work signed. “Thank you,” said Allyn. John replies, “anytime.” A short time after this, Allyn gets discharged. Due to his car being repaired, John offers to take Allyn home. They leave the hospital and John drives Allyn home. Once Allyn gets settled in, John leaves and Allyn goes to sleep. The next morning Allyn gets a message that his car is ready to be picked up from the repair shop. Thankfully, his house is within walking distance to the shop. He gets to the repair shop and picks up his car. Driving home Allyn passes a park and notices a family of three – a mother, a father, and a daughter. Upon seeing this family, sweat begins to slide down his face, his heart pounding he senses an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Allyn understands this feeling far too well as of late. He knows what’s coming next. He pulls over to prevent himself from getting into car crash. In his mind, he sees a vision from the past. He is standing in an empty house, luggage at his feet and looking down at a framed photo of a family that resembles the one he just observed in the park. The father in the photo was Allyn, the mother was Cassandra and the girl, their daughter, Olivia. The vision continues, with Allyn leaving the house, luggage in hand and heading for Ox. Allyn snaps out of his trance that was filled with horrible thoughts corroding his mind. Allyn sought forgiveness, so he headed to church. Entering the empty church Allyn sits down in a pew and begins to pray. Priest Marlo had been at the church preparing for the Sunday sermon and notices a man he slightly recognizes sitting in a pew with an extremely grievous expression on his face. He approaches Allyn and says, “good afternoon I’m Priest Marlo do you mind if I sit down?” Faintly, Allyn says “yes.” “What’s your name son ?,” queried Marlo. “Allyn,” he said. “Oh, now I remember, you were here last week with John,” Marlo said. “So, Allyn, what brings you here today?” queried Marlo. “I am looking for forgiveness”, stated Allyn. “Forgiveness for what,” Marlo queried. Tearfully, Allyn says “my daughter died, and I should have saved her. I wish it had been me instead.” Marlo replies to Allyn, “No one knows why these things happen son. God has a plan we just don’t know it yet. Would you like to pray?” “I’ve been praying. It doesn’t work,” stated Allyn. Before Marlo could reply, Allyn gets up from the pew and says, “I’m done here, goodbye.”

Arriving back at his house, Allyn is sitting down in deep thought. In a haste, he grabs his keys and rushes out. Forcefully, slamming the door behind him causing ripples in his fishbowl. Pedro, his fish, is floating lifeless on the surface of the water.

With a plan in mind, Allyn gets in his car and heads to his favorite coffee shop and orders his favorite latte. He sits at a booth by himself sipping his latte until it’s finished.

Next, Allyn goes to his favorite restaurant and orders his favorite meal. He sits quietly in a corner table until his meal is finished. Upon exiting the restaurant, Allyn hears a holiday bell ringer and empties the contents of his wallet into the pot. He heads off to the post office and mails an envelope addressed to John. Inside the envelope is a check with his entire life savings. He makes one more stop to the hardware store and makes a purchase. Before he leaves, he notices a young employee having an argument with his boss about showing up late. The boy tells his boss that his parent’s car is not working and he couldn’t get it to start. Hearing this, Allyn approaches the employee and gives him the keys to his car and says, “you can have my car. Treat her well.” In shock, the employee stares at Allyn as he walks out the door.

At home, Allyn removes the rope he purchased from the hardware store. He ties the rope to the ceiling fan in his living room.

About a year ago, Allyn was living a happy life. Never thought he would come to this place. Until one fateful day when it all changed. His daughter Olivia said she was sick and didn’t want to go to school. Cass, Allyn’s wife, thought she was faking and wanted to get out of taking a test. Allyn did not think she was faking the sickness and stayed home with her. Cass conceded and called her off from school that day. During the day, Olivia was napping in her bed and Allyn had fallen asleep on the couch. Soon, the house was consumed with smoke. This awoke Allyn and he saw flames engulfing their home. He jumped up from the couch, ran up the steps hearing screams of agony coming from Olivia’s room. Unfortunately, the flames were engulfing the hallway that led to her room. Allyn tried to press on to save his daughter, however, the smoke was too heavy, and he passed out. A neighbor had noticed the fire and called 911 but it was too late for Olivia. Firefighters rushed in the house, noticed Allyn passed out on steps and pulled him out before the flames consumed him. After that tragic day, Cass and Allyn were broken. Cass blamed Allyn for everything which inevitably led to the divorce. With his life in shambles, Allyn headed to Ox.

Allyn writes a letter to Cassandra and places it on the kitchen countertop. Next, he steps up on a chair, puts the rope around his neck, kicks the chair out from beneath him. All the feelings that have been weighing him down guilt, torment, self-hate, helplessness were all shattered with one snap of the neck. Allyn is dead.

Worried about his earlier encounter with Allyn, Priest Marlo contacts John. John gives Marlo his address, so he could go check on him. Marlo arrives at Allyn’s house to be horrified at the sight he sees and calls the police. The police rule Allyn’s death a suicide. Marlo finds the note, reads it, and as soon as he can leave the scene, goes home and calls John to give him the bad news.

A few days later, everyone in Allyn’s life from Ox was at his funeral. Cassandra was notified but never showed. After the funeral service, Dr. Ford and Marlo chat about Allyn’s situation. Marlo says to Dr. Ford, “I am pretty sure he came to me as a last resort.” Ford responds, “I wish I had reached him sooner.” I’ve seen PTSD before, in my brother, after he got back from Vietnam. I could have helped him if I had more time.” Marlo replies, “please don’t blame yourself, he was probably planning this for a while.” Ford then says, “I have no doubt that he came to Ox with the intent to take his life.” He continues, “his note to Cassandra that you found showed that he was truly sorry and took the blame. This was much more of weight than I anticipated at first. In the end, he was just too strained.”