16+ Language

The Princess: Chapter 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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Chapter 1

My name is Cam. It's short for Camellia, which is my parents' favorite flower. Something about the sheer amount of tiny beautiful petals the flower has is captivating for them. It brings them joy, so when I came into the picture and did the same thing, they named me Cam. It's a nice name. I sure like it. It's meaningful but easy to say with only one syllable. I was told by them that they aren’t my real parents. They told me stories about how they found me as an abandoned baby, and how they adopted me as their own. I don't care too much about that. It's not like I always wonder who my “real” parents are. I don't need to. I have good loving parents right here for me. Well, at least I did.

"Cam it's time for school!" The director yelled through the orphanage. I looked at my big board of clues with several tacks and strings connecting them together. All of them lead back to the middle, where a solid white piece of paper laid. Every day I review all of the clues I have found thus far that could help me explain what happened to them. Documents, pictures, and more. Anything can be a clue and might help me find them.

"CAM!" The director yelled again. I picked up my backpack and ran downstairs.

"Coming!" I yelled. I arrived at the bottom of the stairs where the director stood with her arms crossed.

"Cam, you need to come down the first time I call for you. Everyone else is waiting in the bus and they could be late because of you," She said scolding me.

"Ms. Director I’m getting closer. I can’t stop now, not when I’m so close." She frowned. She opened her mouth to say something but decided not to.

"Just get on the bus," She said.

I went outside and boarded the bus, the director followed and went into the driver's seat. I sat down in the empty seat next to no one. All the other orphans sneak glances at me. A few glares added in, so I don't sit by them. I think they’re probably scared of me. Afraid I'll totally lose my mind and hurt them. Of course I'd never do that, why would I do something like that when my parents were the nicest people around? I can't hurt someone knowing my parents would look down on that action. Granted I do get... angry from time to time but I've never hurt anyone. Not even once, but I have to live with this label whether I like it or not. It's fine, I don't really care too much. I have my friend at school, that's all I need. I looked out the window and the bus started driving. I’ve never really liked buses, or really vehicles in general. I just can’t think well in them, and I’m nothing without my thoughts. Finally we arrived at school. A place where I can think. And a place I can meet with my best and only friend. And speak of the devil, the enigma was walking toward me, wearing a pink crop top, incredibly short shorts, and a flashy scarf. Clothes which he somehow convinced the principal to let him wear.

“Aha! Miss Camellia, how grand it is to see you!” He exclaimed to me.

“Good to see you too goofball,” I said with a slight smile.

“Haha, I try!” He said while chuckling with a big smile. His name is Fabio and he’s always happy. It’s honestly impressive, he must a super pure worldview. If he didn’t how could he be so happy with all the drama happening pretty much everywhere? Well, I enjoy it though, and it’s not just me, most people who talk with him are just happier. He cheers everyone up so unlike me, he has a lot of friends, but he tells me that I’m his best friend so he usually hangs out with me, which is good because otherwise I’d be alone.

We started walking down the hall to our first class.

“So Miss Camellia, any plans today, any clues to find, maps to follow?” He asked me.

“But of course. I have a few puzzle pieces I need to put together, and to do that, we need to go there,” I responded.

There… I see, so this is of utmost importance! When is the mission?” He asked.

“We depart at lunch, this is too important to wait until after school,” I replied and gave him a folded note.

“Roger that.” He gave me a thumbs up and we split off to go to our separate classes. After a few hours and classes it was finally time. I eyed the analog clock that hung from the wall of my class as it ticked slowly. Tick. Tick. TIck. And finally, three… two.. 0ne… the bell rung. I grabbed my backpack and quickly went to the cafeteria where me and Fabio always meet for a mission. Of course, he was waiting for me. We sat down at a table by ourselves.

“Alright Miss Camellia, I have concluded the backdoor is the least guarded area today. If we want to get out of school, there is the best place,” He said.

“Sounds good. We should get lunch first, we’ll seem less suspicious. You know what to do right?” I asked him.

“But of course, Camellia. Your note was quite clear!” He said and gave a thumbs up. We were ready to go… and the mission began!

I rushed to where the backdoor was and I hid next to it where I couldn’t be seen. One teacher was leaning next to the door making sure no students tried to escape from school. After about a minute Fabio came up to the teacher looking distressed.

“Sir! There are two students arguing in the halls over that way—” He pointed towards the direction opposite of the backdoor.

“It looks like it’s getting serious,” He says. The teacher looking very annoyed starts walking in that direction and after he’s far enough away me and Fabio slip through the backdoor. Fabio laughs.

“ANother mission well executed! Now let’s head t—” He paused. I looked where he was looking and an old guy stood in front of us.

“I didn’t think a teacher would be out here… we should run!” He said, and we did. We ran to the side and the man tried to grab us. We slipped out of his reach and kept running.

“Wait kids! We need to have a talk!” He yelled at us, but we ignored him. We had a mission, and no teacher was going to stop that mission from being accomplished. We kept running until we just about lost sight of the school.

“Well, that was eventful. Not a perfect execution, but we made it!” Fabio exclaimed. I nodded my head. I was too out of breath to say anything. After resting for a bit we started heading to our destination. After a few blocks, it came into sight. The park where it happened. I dropped my backpack on the ground and looked long and hard at it.

“Well we are here Camellia, now what is our puzzle?” He asked. I took a bunch of stuff out of my bag. A photo of me and my parents, and a piece of cloth.

“Well, I studied for a long time about dirt. Specifically what is in dirt.” I showed him the picture and the piece of cloth.

“FOr a long time I thought this piece of cloth was from my dad’s shirt, however I realised that it can’t be. If you look at the picture my dad was wearing a black and white striped shirt.” I explained.

“Right, but the cloth itself is also black and white striped, where is the difference Camellia?” He asked me.

“Well it’s hard to realise unless you pay very close attention to the cloth and the shirt. Not that this piece of cloth is from the bottom of a shirt.” I told him. He grabbed the cloth and picture and looked very closely until his eyes shot wide open.

“Oh my! The cloth ends in black, but your dad’s ends in white!” He exclaimed.

“Exactly my dear Watson, that proves that this piece of cloth is not from my dad’s shirt which means—”

“That this must be cloth from whoever took your parents!” He said, interrupting me.

“Correct, and we can guess that this person came from somewhere far enough away, due to the fact I can’t find them, which has different dirt.” I said and pulled out a microscope. I grabbed a pinch of the dirt in the park and placed it on a petri dish, sliding it under the microscope. I took a good long look at this dirt, spotting the different minerals that make it up.

“Now, there should be at least a little dirt that got caught in the fabric of the shirt. If it’s different than the dirt here, we’ll know for sure that this person came from somewhere else, and we can determine where.” I explained.

“Fabulously done Camellia! Smart as always. Where do I come in?” He asked.

“Well the plan to escape is really all I needed you for, but I do like to have a friend with me if this clue is as big as I think it is.” I responded.

“Aww! Camellia you precious flower! You are so sweet” He pounced on me giving me a great big hug and rubbing his cheek against mine.

“I’ll be here to support you throughout your quest to find your lost parents!” He exclaimed. I chuckled and pushed him off. I went back to my serious face and placed the cloth on a petri dish. I slid it into the microscope and looked through. I searched around, finding a tiny bit of dirt wrapped up in the strands of fabric and studied the minerals making it up… but they didn’t make sense.

“What are these…?” I asked mostly myself.

“What did you find Camellia?” Fabio asked me.

“It doesn’t make sense, I have never seen or heard of any of these minerals before… they are strange. Almost like they don’t even come from this planet…” I explained. Fabio gasped for about ten seconds.

“ALIENS!?” He shouted at me.

“For some reason I highly doubt that.” I said.

“Well, we did find a big clue today even if it doesn’t necessarily make sense. It’s progress. We should head back to school now and get an earful.” I said and started packing my stuff.

“Are you going to be ok? I know I kind of dragged you into doing something against school rules. You are a star student who almost never breaks rules after all.” I asked Fabio concerningly.

“Worry not about me Camellia, for I shall be fine. I’ll most definitely get a huge earful from both my teachers and my parents, but you are my most precious friend! I’ll help you through thick and thin, going on adventures no matter the consequences!” He said to me very enthusiastically. I paused for a second and thought about it. I never understood why he thought I was his most precious friend. Either way I cracked a tiny smile and gave him a hug.

“Thanks for coming out to help me today. I really appreciate it, this mystery I’ve been trying to solve is so very important to me, and having my only friend helping me is pretty great.” I told him while still hugging him. I let go and he gave me a big smile and a thumbs up. Suddenly, I heard a loud horn. I look to the direction of the noise and saw the director’s car.

“Well Camellia, I should be off now. I need to head home. Good luck with the director!” He smiled and waved as he ran off, and I waved back at him. I looked back at the car and sighed. The Director got out of the car with a disappointed look. She just pointed to the car and I got in.

We drove home in total silence, but this silence told a thousand words. I could see the Director’s very upset face in the front mirror. I just sat back and looked out the window until we got back to the orphanage. We both got out of the car and headed into the orphanage.

“Cam. Go to your room.” She said in a low voice. I headed upstairs without arguing and went into my room. I flopped onto my bed and looked at the ceiling. Damn. I didn’t think that silence would hurt as much as it did. I turned to my side and slowly fell asleep.

“Good night princess.”

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Ventomology
Review

Heya!

First off: I belatedly welcome you to YWS! It's nice to see new members being active, and I hope you like it here!

And now we can jump right into the review.

Technical Commentary:

1. It's generally not advisable to start with "My name is..." especially at the very beginning of a novel. Your opening words are the hook with which you catch people, and making that first sentence grab attention is super important! So you want to be careful there.

Some common tricks for openings include:
- imagery for a really impressive or compelling scene
- Weird or compelling facts about the character or world or situation in general
- heavy action (or compelling, now that I think about it).

In short, when you open a novel, you want to entice people to continue reading, and means creating a sentence that almost immediately generates curiosity. It takes a bit of playing around, and it might also help to pick up some of your favorite books and see how they open.

2. There's a strong vernacular voice in this, which is honestly one of the perks of writing in first person, and I like that! I think the work could use some stronger action verbs and setting description, but even as you do that, keep the slang and attitude that Cam uses to narrate.

3. Be careful with how you start dialogue paragraphs. I think there's like 30 paragraphs that start with quotation marks in a row in this chapter, which is probably not something you want to be doing. On the other hand, you do manage to get in action in those paragraphs, so I can't complain too much.

Plot, Characterization, and Misc. Items:

1. Given the title, I'm going to guess that aliens are not the reason why Cam has lost her parents. If you want Cam's origins to be fairly obvious and straightforward to the audience, then it's probably fine; simple is usually a good bet. Otherwise (I hate to say it), your title might be giving away a lot of the plot.

2. I enjoy Fabio's character. He's fun, even if he seems a bit like a caricature at the moment, but this is only the first chapter, and I'm certain he'll flesh out as Cam does. I look forward to seeing how you write out their dynamic and character arcs.

There's more to say, but I like to give novels a few chapters to settle before I get into the nitty gritty. I think there's a lot of potential for a really fun and charming story here. Let me know when you update, if you could?

Nice work. I look forward to seeing you around the site!

-Vento

User avatar
scarlettvee
Review

Hello, I am back again! I figured since my last review didn't really help that much (since I only brought up points that previous reviewers to me had) I should review the second draft of the same chapter! So here I am. Haha. This time I'm just going to jump right into the grammatical corrections and then I'll give my overall review afterwards. I like to mix things up I guess.

"Something about the sheer amount of tiny beautiful petals the flower has is captivating for them."
There should be a comma between tiny and beautiful

"I looked at my big board of clues with several tacks and strings connecting them together."
Okay, so this seemed kinda weird to me. Right before this, Cam was explaining that she never had a need to find her real parents because she had loving parents who adopted her. Then you wrote, "Well, at least I did." This, to me at least, means that she had loving parents but then something happened that spurred her into looking for her real parents, and that we're going to find out what this event that causes her to look for her real parents is, but then you go to the next line and she already seems to be determined to find her parents? Before Cam becomes determined to find her parents, you're going to have to show us that change that made her go from being satisfied with her adopted parents, to wanting to find her real ones. You need to show us what happens to change her opinion on the whole topic. I hope that made sense XD

"...could be late because of you," She said..."
Make the "S" lowercase

"Ms. Director I’m getting closer. I can’t stop now, not when I’m so close."
Wait is her name Ms. Director or does Cam just not know her real name? Cause I would find the former very coincidental and the latter unrealistic given she's Cam's director. Also, there should be a comma after "Ms. Director."

""Just get on the bus," She said."
Again, make the "S" in "She" lowercase

"I’ve never really liked buses, or really vehicles in general."
Delete "really"

"Finally we arrived at school..."
Start a new paragraph with this line

"“Aha! Miss Camellia, how grand it is to see you!” He exclaimed to me."
Delete "to me." You don't need it since he already said her name in his dialogue

"It’s honestly impressive, he must a super pure worldview."
I think there needs to be a "have" inbetween "must" and "a"

"If he didn’t how could he be so happy with all the drama happening pretty much everywhere?"
Add a comma after "didn't"

""...there is the best place,” He said."
Make the "H" in "He" lowercase. I'll also stop pointing all these out now, just know that after a line of dialogue that ends with a comma, the pronoun, if it's not a name (or I), needs to be lowercase

"...I rushed to where the backdoor was and I hid..."
Rewrite this section to say: "...I rushed to the backdoor and hid..." It will make the reading smoother.

"...enough away me and Fabio slip through..."
Fabio and I, not me and Fabio. Also, add a comma after "away." "...enough away, Fabio and I slip through..."

"I looked where he was looking and an old guy stood in front of us."
I think rewriting this sentence to say, "I looked where he was to see an old guy standing in front of us" would help it to flow a little better. Also, maybe describe this old man a little more, and give us some details about what he looks like.

"After resting for a bit we started heading..."
Comma after "bit"

"“FOr a long time I thought this piece of cloth was from my dad’s shirt, however I realised that it can’t be. If you look at the picture my dad was wearing a black and white striped shirt.” I explained."
Comma after "time" and comma after "shirt" instead of a period

"“Well it’s hard to realise unless you pay very close attention to the cloth and the shirt. Not that this piece of cloth is from the bottom of a shirt.” I told him."
Again, comma after "shirt" instead of a period

"“Oh my! The cloth ends in black, but your dad’s ends in white!” He exclaimed.
“Exactly my dear Watson, that proves that this piece of cloth is not from my dad’s shirt which means—”
“That this must be cloth from whoever took your parents!” He said, interrupting me."
Wait... why couldn't the piece of cloth that Cam has be from the middle of her dad's shirt, in one of the white stripes? Why does only the shirt ending in black negate this from being her father's shirt if there is still white on the shirt?

""You are so sweet” He pounced..."
Add a period after sweet.

"The Director got out of the car with a disappointed look. She just pointed to the car and I got in."
Okay question that might have to do with the beginning of the story: I thought you said that Cam has adopted parents so why does it seem like the director is her legal guardian? Did something happen to her adopted parents? If so, I think it would probably be good to mention that as well at some point in the story.
Also, director shouldn't be capitalized because it's not her name.

“Good night princess.”
Who says this? Does Cam say it to herself? Or are we not supposed to know who says this? Also, comma after night.

I really liked this chapter and I do definitely feel like it is an improvement to the last one. I also liked how you showed us more of Fabio and Cam's relationship by having them go on that small mission. Just one tiny question though, why exactly did Cam have to leave the school to study dirt? Isn't there dirt at her school? Why'd she have to go the park?

Also, I pointed it out a few times but just remember that if you put a tag after a piece of dialogue, the dialogue has to end with a comma, not a period.

Also also, I know I said in my last review that you shouldn't outright mention that Fabio is gay, which you didn't do, but if you wanted to do so, you could have him make googly eyes or check out a passing male or whatever just to further show the audience that Fabio isn't heterosexual. It would just be a thing you could through it to further solidify that he's gay.

Anyway, I think that's all I have. I know this is a ton of information, so if you have any questions about any of it, do not hesitate to ask. I am more than willing to help you out. Good job on this chapter though. It definitely improved from last time and it definitely has a lot of potential! Just make sure you keep writing, and keep working at it!

Until next time,
K.S. Valentine

Thanks so much for the review! This is one was very helpful, and it was interesting to see that this time, most of the problems seem to just be grammatical errors and plot points rather than the last one which including more how I portrayed the story.

About the plot points by the way, I might not have made them clear enough but, for the parents, she isn't looking for her real parents, rather she's looking for her adoptive parents. I can understand how that's confusing and I'm thinking of not outright revealing that she's adopted in the first paragraph, that way it's less confusing.

About the shirt, and the piece of cloth, it's really easy to find out if it's from the bottom of the shirt by looking at a shirt, the bottom of the shirt usually has that little fold in it. I think maybe I should have stated it had that fold in it, but that's why she was able to deduce that it wasn't her dad's shirt.

Finally about the:

"Good night princess." You are correct in the assumption that you aren't supposed to know who says this. I made it like that on purpose.



Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.
— Maya Angelou