Lonely in my chamber with them.
Them?
Them who glance,
But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Yet my mind remembers what my heart has never known.
Why did it notice?
Now I cry -
Tear, tear, tear, until even the tears disappear.
My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
And my heart thumped loudly within my sleeves,
As though it too wished to leave.
Why is it not in my chest?
Why do they glance?
Don't glance.
Please don't.
I wait for him at the threshold,
Beneath the warmth of sunny snow,
Where winter glitters in a golden glow.
His shadow never seems to return;
Only the silence remains, and the silence makes me yearn.
Only I -
I with them.
Them who glance.
Them who leave.
Them who never stay long enough -
For my heart to know their name.
Yet my mind remembers all the same.
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141,222 Literary Works • 674,281 Reviews
here's a quick review(i can't write very much so it might not count as a review)
i loved the imagery and concept, but i found it a little confusing to pin what the main theme was since some parts gave off different vibes or ideas. at fist it leaned on them, then he then i. but in the end it was just them which i personally didn't understand. but i really loved the style of this poem and it was a joy to read
Thank you so much! I'll try my best to improve 🌷🥹
Woah dude!🤑
This is sick, it's really evoking emotion in me.
I love the way you described "them" absolutely amazing.
I really liked the line: "Only the silence remains, and the silence makes me yearn."
Thank you soo much! 🌷✨️
Review time baby!
Alright so a first small mistake a noticed was at the lines: But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Yet my mind remembers what my heart has never known.
I think you accidentally added a comma by mistake instead of a period because if you meant to use a comma than “yet” shouldn’t be capitalized, there’s a similar mistake in the lines: My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
And my heart thumped loudly within my sleeves,
I love the way you convey string emotions of loneliness from being around people who don’t really see you and missing someone you care about, you make it very clear to the reader without stating it, you’re really good at showing and not telling.
Also the line: But never long enough for my heart to chance a feeling it could call its own,
Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense I think you meant to say chase instead of chance probably just a small typo no big deal I deal with them all the time.
Also I love the line: My liquor sat rotting, my mind sat bloodless,
I don’t even have much to say I just think it’s super damn cool.
I think there’s just some typos and awkward phrasing that you could work on but other than that I really like this poem.
I very much relate to the feeling of having people around you yet still feeling alone and not really seen or heard sometime and I think that feeling is portrayed really well.
I wish luck on your writing for the future ♡
Yess, there are a lot of typos, I should've paid attention 😭
Thank you soo much for the review!
I'll work on the remarks 🫡🌷