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137,717 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
This is such a beautiful work of imagery. The adjectives, the placement of words, the metaphor and analogy. The TITLE! Described in one word, this poem is captivating. There were times when I forgot that this wasn't out of a Literature textbook.
Hey Ash!
Quite overdue, but I would never forget. This poem is beautiful, though I've told you that; the rich imagery and the way you've chosen your words is lovely. I really like how vivid your writing is and you describe nature in a way that can only be done by one who looks upon it with a deep, abiding love.
Mainly I want to talk about presentation, because content is, I think, a question of personal interpretation (but I will admit I'm not certain I understood your poem entirely - which is fine! I love ambiguity in poems, but just thought I'd point that out c:). There are some lines I'd like to draw your attention to:
In your first stanza, you tend to end lines with nouns: smile, battlefield, heart. There's a certain finality to it, a charming consistency, and it seems thus far to be your style. I'm bringing this up because I feel that nouns make the ends of lines heavier, though, and whilst I'm not strongly suggesting that you change anything at all, I think it's worth considering shifting around your nouns a little more in the future.
However, I also know that 'red' is not a noun, and its position between 'rubies' and 'as' allows it to bridge the two lines. The only thing I want to raise about 'red' is that reading it for the first time, it made 'as' stick out uncomfortably because for me, 'rubies red' joined together so seamlessly that I didn't realise there was more to the sentence. It's hardly a major thing, though! Once I returned to it and read the two lines together, it becomes so brilliantly honey-smooth and I adore the rhythm :^)
There's so much wistfulness in your second stanza, and the parentheses were used wonderfully to accentuate it (in their own gentle way, mildly contradictory but I think you know what I mean); it's such a poignant, lingering part, and yet the way you've brought in 'wind' makes it sweep by so quickly as well. I really enjoyed that.
THIS. It's so apt a use of form to frame meaning, especially its first appearance in 'fracture'. The only observation I have to make here (beyond gushing and admiration) is that the continued spacing diverts attention from its original value (for want of a better word) in fracturing 'fracture', becoming slightly distracting, but at the same time the emphasis is really achieved here. And that's great too.
There's much I've left unsaid about your metaphors, your imagery, your writing, but I trust you can imagine what I'd say. How about 'i cut myself on the glass edge of your smile', or 'soft-sanded dunes of your thoughts', or 'half light of / dying stars'? The weeping wind that 'brushes away the ghost of my presence' and the 'feathering of silver'd morning mist'? It's so, so beautiful. Thank you for writing this. Please return to poetry again sometime :^)
~ hexglass
Hey there! I'm just stopping by to leave a few thoughts on your poem:
I love you opening stanza, you are able to talk about what the most common topics in poetry & literature (love) in a unique and beautiful way. Strong start with some nice metaphors.
Now I like the idea of "Sand Dune" Thoughts in your 2nd stanza, although I think the phrasing sounds a bit odd in my opinion with "soft-sanded". I don't think the "-ed" is needed at the end of sand. The 2nd stanza has some added filler words compared to the 1st stanza. For instance rather than saying "of daydreams you and i shared" you could just have "shared daydreams" and get rid of some of the wordiness. Just be careful not to distract from the beautiful metaphors you have hear by adding the filler in.
I love the phrase "lingering in the half light of / dying stars" it sounds great with the double "l" sound, as well as the the thought of "half light" is just cool.
In the next stanza the images and metaphors start to get a bit more pained, less joyful. The and i laugh" seems really out of place with the salty raindrops. and the following line.
I really feel like the formatting with the "fracture... lines" doesn't really convey being fractured. they are "clean lines" but it's a bit distracting since you don't really use any unconventional formatting before that. That's just my opinion though..
The last two lines are compelling, but I'm not sure the poem quite gets there. I feel like I'm missing a little bit more of the theme of "inevitability" that you have at the end.
I think you're using some interesting themes here mixing the bitterness of the end of a relationship with these beautiful metaphors as well, but I think that the conflict could be developed a bit more to give the reader a clearer idea of what is actually happening between the speaker and subject. Great job! Looking forward to reading more of your work!
~alliyah
Hello! It's Midnight here to review!
First of all, I loved the shape and format of your poem. It just looks so pretty to me. I especially liked all the words in parentheses.
The way you use figurative language is amazing, especially that metaphor for crying.
The criticism that I have is that some of the line breaks seem to stop the flow of the poem. I'm not sure if you did that intentionally, since you seemed to do it in similar places in the first two stanzas.
These lines:
crown myself with rubies red
as the sunset over the battlefield
And these lines:
Trailing prints like the shattered rmnants
Of daydreams I shared
Created stops in them that had me confused me for a moment.
Thank you for the poem!
Hello! Fea here to review!
"I cut myself on the glass edge of your smile,
crown myself with rubies red,
as the sunset over the battlefield,
of your heart."
Very well stated. The metaphor is very descriptive and conjures imagery in one's mind.
"I press my feet into the soft-sanded dunes of your thoughts,
trailing prints like shattered remnants,
of daydreams that you and I shared,
by the gold of the rising sun;"
Again, very descriptive and gives an image. I can feel the emotion strongly in this piece.
"(the wind weeps and brushes away the ghost of my presence
lingering in the half light of
dying stars; and yet)
I cannot bring myself to regret (not so)."
Bit unsure of what you mean by 'I cannot bring myself to regret (not so)'
"I taste salt on my lips,
seawater dripping past the creases of my eyes"
Nice way of describing weeping.
"you used to kiss, soft as the feathering of silver'd morning mist
and cold like the frost of your gaze;
more trails
like raindrops down the window pane, and I laugh"
I like how you compare to weather that is so beautiful and yet harsh at the same time.
"as I f r a c t u r e
a l o n g c l e a n
p r e d i c t a b l e
l i n e s,
all the more beautiful (terrible)
for its inevitability."
I like how you spaced the fracture bit, very interesting. However, I'd say maybe add a period after clean and before predictable.
Other than that, wonderful poem! I really enjoyed it
-Feather