Published June 8, 2016
Prologue
The Flux program was a very extraordinary program. The founders wanted to change the world, and use the Fluxes as a type of super soldier to protect it. And the students that they chose for the program didn’t seem that extraordinary. In fact they seemed pretty dull. The founders decided to choose long forgotten orphans that nobody wanted anything to do with, they chose the people with the most pain. How do I know? I am one of those forgotten orphans that the program just took in as students. They treated us like family, and most of us hadn’t experienced family in a long, long time. They took us to a place that they liked to call the Prepping Center, and they started preparing us for the new hellish reality of our newfound lives.
Running laps five times a day, and solving difficult situations was only the beginning. After, we moved to ultimate combat, and the beginning of being the ultimate soldier; the transition was not only painful, but brutal as they literally beat us into shape. We became stronger, tougher, and more equipped to handle life or death situations; receiving permanent scars in the process to remind us what’s at stake.Once the founders thought that we had mastered every skill in the program, we were injected. We were injected with a special serum that was made from a very powerful substance called arofite. When injected in a human, arofite changes human ability. It allows you to run faster, use telekinesis, even teleport, but the effect of the serum varies between humans, every orphan got a different ability. The injection was the most painful experience that anyone would ever have to endure. It was like something that someone would see in Paranormal Activity.It was bloody, it felt like your limbs were being torn from your body, and your organs were being pushed far beyond their limits. They put you in a silver chair, and let the serum sink into you as you scream and blood pours from your nose. Your eyes cry crimson red, as they stain your cheeks; a painful sacrifice in order to become better.
My ability involves electricity. I can make it do anything I want it to. I can absorb it and use it against people; it’s like a sixth sense. We all practiced and were mastering our abilities to change the world; but the government and us didn’t quite see eye to eye, in fact the government believed that we were destroying the world and sending them into a pit of despair. That soon, our superiority would destroy the world. They believed that the only way of stopping us was by terminating the program. They sent three bombs to our camp but luckily we took shelter, we lost a few students but most of us were okay. We tried our best to honor our brothers and sisters after they fell in a bloody horror that day. As soon as the government found out that the bombs weren’t destroying us, they sent out ten troops of soldiers to kill us, and it worked. They knew that if they sent enough troops to overpower us, that we would have no chance to defend.
They marched in and took us by surprise. They killed half of our students and staff and killed half more, I watched all of my fellow friends fall to the ground dead. Blood poured from the skulls as they died for the cause that they believed in. That day, the ground would forever be stained red, reminding us of the merciless battle. After I saw dead bodies covering the floor, I knew that I needed to get out of there before I was killed as well. I escaped out the back door and raced up a hill, as I stood there I saw the building beginning to crumble, and the troops exiting out the front door and leaving the dead sight, their stone-cold faces showing no remorse. Their hands and clothes were stained with pure, Flux blood, but they didn't care; they thought that they did the right thing. I saw the building fall in to a billion pieces, and saw nobody from the program escape. The foul stench burning my nostrils, allowing me to never forget this dreadful day. I peered down at my hands, tears falling down my cheeks as I felt unclean from the result of what had just happened. I knew that I couldn't stay there, they were going to see me and catch me and finely kill us all off; but I couldn't help it I had to see the last sight of it all. And as I stood there at that deathly sight, I knew that there was no one left, I knew that I was the last one. I have to carry on their legacy, I have to avoid the government, and I have to let the Flux live through me. It’s my duty.
Chapter 1
I’m running out of the program wreckage from five years ago. I see the bombs hit the building, and bone chilling screams come into play. I see a woman hold out her hand and grab me; she holds me close and says, “You can’t run from the future!” I wake up panting and covered in sweat, I run my fingers through my light brown hair, feeling the electricity running through my veins from a stressful night. I’ve had that same dream for several weeks now and I’ve never finished it. I never seen what happens to me or the woman; I never see how it ends. I wipe my pale white hands on my pants, as I dart my blue eyes around the room, unsure what to think. I let my hair spill over my shoulders as I contemplate. I wish that I knew what was happening to me, I wish that I understood. But I don't, and I fear I never will. My right artery pulsates within my neck, making me feel as though I'm about to burst. I tried my best to calm myself, trying to pretend like I was okay; but there was just a feeling deep down that I couldn’t shake. A feeling that was telling me something was wrong.
“Emma! Hurry up and get dressed before you’re late!” screamed my Foster Mom Linda, causing a bellowing screeching noise throughout my skull. I flopped my legs over the bed and began my morning routine, calming my nerves. I looked down at my hands, watching them slightly shake. "Oh, please don’t do this to me today." I whispered to myself. Even though I knew the symptoms of my Flux past were inevitable.
“Alright, alright! I’ll be down in a minute!” I screamed back, quickly rushing to get out of my sad excuse for a room.
I quickly put on a navy blue T-shirt, the color reminding me of the sea, I got lost in the deepness and purity of my pale complexion. I pulled on loose black pants that tightened up at the bottom, making them not flare out. The richness of the black made my shirt look like a starry night caught in the vast universe that is my life. I checked myself in the mirror, making sure that I looked presentable. Staring at my thin stature as my collar bone slightly popped out of my skin every time I took a breath. Then made my way down the rickety old stairs, taking one unbalanced step at a time; trying to keep my surroundings around me valid in my subconscious.
“There you are!” Linda said, “Now eat up your toast and get off to school.” she said as she kept herself busy, gathering papers and pill bottles from last night's shift at the hospital.
I sat down at the messy kitchen table, the old papers and clothes clouding up my eating space. I cleared a place for my plate, and sat down while eating the horribly burnt toast. The taste making my mouth frown at the corners as I choked down every gruesome bite.
“Oh, Emma,” Linda said while straightening out her scrubs, and tucking her ratty blonde hair behind her ears. “I’m gonna be home late tonight; so dinner is in the fridge.”
“Okay.” I replied, and went on eating my burnt breakfast. As I was doing so I started to feel a deep pain in my skull, and a slight whirring sound in my ears. My brain felt like it was pounding against my skull, and my body felt like it was going to faint from exhaustion. My eyelids began to become heavy, but I still tried my best to keep my thin body upright. My hands began to shake like the beginning of a seizure, while my mind told my body to be calm and wait for what is to come.
“You can’t run from the future!” I heard the women say. I saw flashes of bombs, the death site, and the same woman. And then it was over, the pain and the knowledge gone, instantly. After, the pain had gone away and the sound had disappeared from existence. I was rejuvenated with newfound energy, unsure what I should with my body. I felt it as though hard to contain, like my body had been in hibernation until this very moment of time.
I shocked my toast, and my body was raving with electricity, with power. I touched the table and the whole thing all of a sudden was coated with energy, the blue matter a magnificent scene as I was entranced by power.When I took my hand away from the table it returned back to normal. I should have been worried about if Linda saw me or not but I was more worried about why I was seeing parts of my dream during the day. Was I having a vision? I felt a small droplet of blood fall from my nose. I looked as it fell and discolored my hand; crimson a valiant color against my all too pale skin. The vision must also have affected my physical endurance as well. I rubbed the bottoms of my fingers along my nose, trying to forget that this ever happened.Streaks of red slightly stained along my fingers, it made me worried, causing more uncalled for uncontrollable breathing. "I need to get out of here." I thought to myself, keeping the secrets of my mind locked away where they should be.
I quickly got up from the table, and looked back at Linda to see if she had seen anything. But, gladly she was still standing at the counter, getting ready for work. I breathed in deeply, and tried to tell myself that everything was going to be okay, even though I knew better than that to actually believe myself.
“I gotta go.” I said to Linda, and put on some shoes and grabbed my bag; then hurried out the door, feeling tense and out of order, still rubbing my nose. I walked out the door uneasy, as I was still recovering from the current event. These dreams have been coming more and more lately, and now they came in the form of a vision. What if something big is coming, something that even I can't preview? All of these past memories made me feel like I was back in the program, a full fledged Flux soldier. But now, more than anything, I just wanted today to be normal; for my whole life to be normal.
As I was walking to school I thought about my dream, and why I was having visions, and why those visions were somehow counteracting with my electrical ability. And all that I could think of was what if I can’t control these visions? What if they just come at any time, at any day? And if so, I need to be extremely careful at school and at any public place. If anyone found out about me, and what I can do; they just wouldn’t understand. If my secret was revealed, I’d probably end up in the hands of the government. And who knows what would happen to me next. No one can ever know about what I can do. I want to live at least a semi normal life for as long as I can. “Control yourself today.” I thought “I don't need any trouble.”
I walked passed 42nd and kept on walking until I got to Parkview High School. I hurried inside and went straight to my locker, trying to look at ease. Putting on my best appearance, of an annoyed high schooler.
“Hey, how come you didn’t call me last night? I thought we were going to study?” said Lucas, my closest friend, smiling as his eyes met mine. He was slightly skinnier than many of the other boys, he had a warm feeling to him that just made you feel automatically comfortable. His cream colored hair and hazel eyes were all part of his overall handsome and pleasant bravado.
“Oh yeah, I totally forgot!” I replied sincerely. “But if it makes you feel any better,” I continued, “I forgot that we had our math exam today. So I’ll probably flunk it.” I finished, rolling my eyes for effect, pretending like I really cared about my grades
“Oh.” Lucas said, “It’s okay. I’ll see you in class.” as he walked away he turned around and told me, “If you need any reassuring hand gestures about the test, you know I’m just a few seats away from you!”
“I know!” I replied while laughing about Lucas’s response.
As my laughing was calming down, I tried to open my locker. “22, 34, 10” I mumbled to myself. I pulled open my locker door, got out my books; and hurried off to class to take an exam. My grip staying as firmly around the books as humanly possible, but we all know that I’m not full fledged human. While taking my normal route to math class, all I could think about were my visions. What do they mean, and why am I having them uncontrollably? And what does that strange woman mean by “You can’t run from the future!”? And what will my unknown future be? I don't like the idea of having my future set, I want to decide how I live my life.
I entered my math teacher’s classroom right before the tardy bell rang, and sat in my seat. I rubbed my icy cold fingers together, and tried not to fidget too much. I tapped my leg anxiously, and ran my dry hands through my hair, as I tried to prepare myself. Mrs. Miller walked in and started writing exam day on the chalkboard, and then took a seat at her desk. Her short hair over exaggerating her chiseled facial features.I looked over at Lucas and sure enough he gave me a reassuring smile, and a double thumbs up. It didn’t really make me feel any more confident, but it did make me laugh, lowering my stress a little. I weaved my pencil through my fingers, and watched as it slid smoothly across my skin; distracting myself from reality.
“Alright class, this is a forty minute exam. You will have the whole forty minutes of class to complete this exam. If you do not finish then I guess that you don’t finish.” said Mrs. Miller, “Any questions?” nobody raised their hand, I barely paid attention as I braced myself for the exam. “Alright we’ll get started right now. And please, try to do your personal best. And don’t cheat."
Mrs. Miller passed out the exams to everyone in the classroom, one at a time.
“Alright everyone, pencils up. And your time starts now.” Mrs. Miller commanded, then she walked back over to her desk and sat down. Wasting her time looking at her computer, while we had to go through the agony of testing.
I looked down at my paper and wrote my name; my hands shaking slightly. Question number one I skipped, and question number two I attempted and got frustrated, my anger beginning to get out of control. Before I even finished question two, I started to hear something. It was like a flat-line pounding against my mind, and hitting my skull. I held my head in pain, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. I tried not to scream out, even though my organs felt like they were being twisted apart. I looked around the room and saw that no one else was hearing the noise; and I knew that something was messing with my abilities. The noise got even louder, and the pain grew even worse. My nose even began dripping with blood, causing unneeded attention to myself. My abilities started messing with the school’s electrical system. The lights turned on and off, they started to flicker, and soon sparks came into play. Everyone was looking around the room, all confused. And then suddenly, I saw something, something that I truly did not want to see. Something that would've done well if it would've just stayed within my mind, but it wanted to come out and show me what is to come; or what already happened.
. . .
Bombs darting towards the program center. Ear splitting screams coming from former Flux students. Blood curdling images of girls and boys begging for their lives, as they were shot to death. The stench filling my nostrils with a foul taste.A dark flash of a cloud was coming for me; and a woman standing in front of me. The cloud crackled as it whipped against the buildings, and as more and more students burned to death. She grabbed my arm, and pulled me close, and whispered in my ear; “You can’t hide forever!” I didn't know what to think as I slipped away from the horrific sight, and began reliving the retched day all over again. Seeing death, thinking that my life was over. Now, I fear that it may be.
When I finally opened my eyes, I realized that I just had yet another vision; but this time in public. I looked around the classroom and the light flickering had stopped; but what was happening instead was far worse. Electricity was coating the whole room. The floor, the walls, and the ceiling; were all covered in white, blue type electricity, because of me. I didn’t know how I was causing this to happen until I looked down at the floor. My feet were touching the floor, and causing this energy mania to happen. The good news was that nobody thought that I was causing this in any way. Everybody just looked at the walls and the floor and looked all confused. People tried touching the wall, and got intensely shocked, so I knew what I had to do. I picked up my feet slowly off the ground and supported them on my seat. All of the energy came rushing toward, I took a big deep breath and absorbed all of the energy into my body; like it never happened. None of the students saw anything, but one particular person did. Lucas saw me use my abilities.
“What happened?” Mrs. Miller asked the class.
We all replied, “I don’t know.” and kept on looking around, expecting to see electricity on the walls. I pretended to be confused as well, but Lucas saw through me, he just wouldn’t stop looking at me with that same confused glare, burning his suspicion into my mind.
Mrs. Miller sat down at her desk, picked up the phone, and started dialing.
“Hello. I would like to report something.” Mrs. Miller said, and then paused to listen to the other line. She turned her back to the class, and stepped out into the hallway. Making sure that we couldn’t hear.
My hands were coated with sweat, my body felt like it was crumbling, I was too nervous to even think. I tapped my foot faster than a bullet, and covered my face with my hands. Trying to block out the world around me.
After that conversation was over, Mrs. Miller stepped back into the room. Her expression looked tense and overwhelmed, she barely made eye contact with anyone of us. She locked the door on her way over to her desk, and quietly sat there; staring at the back wall. Making me feel butterflies in my stomach.
I quickly got up from my seat, and darted my way toward the front desk.
“Mrs. Miller, can I go to the bathroom?” I asked eagerly, waiting to be excused
“No Emma. I was just on the phone with the police and told them what had happened here; they told me to keep all of you guys here for further questioning, so I can’t let you leave this classroom.” Mrs. Miller replied.
“Okay.” I told Mrs. Miller nervously, and walked anxiously back to my seat. Wiping the sweat from my palms, and barely maintaining balance as I walked.
I sat down in my seat, and kind of just stared at my desk trying to piece everything together. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, I felt like I was going to faint, becoming hazy by the minute. Watching the clock as the minutes passed by was agonizing, it was like watching little bits of your patience disappear along with the time. As I was sitting there all that I could think about was, what if they find out who I am? What if they decide to kill me, to finally end the lives of all of the Flux students, to feel some sort of a sick accomplishment? I sat there, contemplating.
There was a loud and clear knock at the classroom door, and my head was perked, ready for action. Mrs. Miller went over to the door, and let some government officials in. These government officials wore army pants, and a button up shirt that said “US Government” across the front. I was shaking with fear. I was worried about what they were going to do, and how they were going to do it. Next thing I knew, some other government people were marching in and hooking up some sort of scanner to the school’s electricity. They attached a computer to the scanner, while the officials were explaining to Mrs. Miller what they were going to do. And finally, they began, making me cringe in my seat.
“Alright, I’m going to call each one of you up for testing.” one of the officials declared. “You will come up here, and stand in the scanner so that we can see if any one of you are, “dangerous”. We have reason to believe that someone in here was part of a top secret program that we terminated years ago, or thought we terminated. Now after this is over you can not tell anybody about it. This program is top secret and we can't shed not even the slightest bit of detail as we have given you today." He looked around at everyone of us, striking fear into our eyes. "Alright, now that that's settled, we will call you up by rows, so the front row will go first, and the back row will go last.” we all nodded, scared to go against his wishes.
The official started calling us up one at a time.
“Maggie Dawson.” began the official.
Maggie went up to the scanner, with some caution, and looked nervous as she got scanned. After the computer said one hundred percent scanned, he looked at the results and shook his head. He did the same ritual with Lucas, Ben, and Sarah. Must be the universal sign that this person was not who they were looking for. After they called Sarah’s name; they called my name.
“Emma Chester.” the official said.
Trying to hide my fear, I tried to walk up there as confidently as I possibly could. I looked somewhat at ease, but in the inside I felt like I was being eaten alive. I stepped into the scanner, and looked over at Lucas, who shifted his gaze away from me and started looking at the wall. I looked at the official and smiled, trying to show more confidence. I looked at the part of the computer that was facing me. Ten percent scanned, twenty percent scanned, forty percent, sixty percent, seventy percent, eighty percent, and one hundred percent scanned. Once the official received my results, he was astonished.
After he saw that, he just kind of chuckled for a few seconds, and then grew majorly serious. He looked over to the other officials, and this time, he nodded. The officials came up behind me and grabbed my hands; gripping them as tightly as they could. Once the officials led me into an open area, I had to fight them off. I quickly freed one of my hands, hit one of the guys in the face, and stunned him with my abilities to finish it off, putting him down slightly. I did the same routine with the other guy, and they both fell to the floor. I looked up at the official who scanned me and I kind of smirked, but I knew that the fighting wasn’t even close to being over. Some more officials came up to me. I flipped over and then turned my legs in to kick the guy straight in the chest. One of them fell down onto the floor in pain, and the others came up to me with swinging fists, and angry faces. I swiftly hit each of them with power, and when they all surrounded me, I split jumped into a double kick so that I could at least strike down a couple of them. The ones who remained, I finished off quite easily and with some complex moves. Once they were down I ran out; trying to find a way out of this mess. I looked at the front door but I was too smart for that, I knew that just outside those two doors were more troops. Just waiting for me. Some of the officials came, and darted toward me. I ran as fast as I could through the foyer, and tried to outrun them. When I realized that there was absolutely no way that I could escape from these guys; I had to use my abilities. I stopped running and started absorbing some energy from the school. I breathed in the energy, and it became part of me. I used some electricity to start building an electric cube around me. First I flattened out the front side to delay the officials a little bit. Then, I made the backside, and the right-side. Once I was done with that I made the left-side and the top. The officials tried breaking into the cube, but it was no use. They were too weak and pathetic to face me.
“You can’t stay in there forever!” the head official screamed, and told his troops to wait it out; while trying hard to break through despite the amounts of energy entering his body
He was right, I couldn’t stay in there forever, and I can’t hold it up for forever either; so I was going to have to make a plan. I paced around in my energy cube, deciding what to do while I watched the officials waiting for me to give up. After that I decided that I didn’t have any other options, I decided to shut down the cube and try to escape. I quietly lifted up my hands, and absorbed all of the energy. The cube was breaking down piece by piece, almost as if it wasn’t real, and all of the energy became part of me, as if I were some hero from a comic book. There was no longer anything shielding me from the officials, so they each scrambled toward me one by one.
They came at me with their firearms out in front, aiming for my leg. Planning a shot that wouldn’t kill me, but would subdue me enough to be transported. As I was concentrating on what my next move would be, I saw silver bullets rip through the air, some of them too close for measure. Almost making contact with my raw flesh, making me cringe at the thought. Bullets shot through the walls, making screams erupt from the classrooms and powder shoot from the wall. The ear piercing screams made me nervous of this dilemma, made me nervous of what was yet to come. I ran in all directions, listening as officials muttered curses as they missed their shot, as if they thought catching me would be easy. A large official rushed towards me as others were trying to calm down the school crowd. He had a large build and stood mightily upon the ground as if he felt that his superiority trumped ours. His face was scrunched up, making creases upon his forehead. His complexion looked rather intimidating, and anger was written upon his face. He charged at me like a bull going for their victim, no sign of remorse could be shown on his face. He had a metal gun and swung it in the air as if it were a flag. He tried to point the barrel at my leg, but I quickly pushed it away, impressed by my amount of force. He regained control of his weapon and brought the butt of his gun up to my face, connecting it with my jaw. I could feel pain course throughout my mouth, blood taking place on my lips, making me dread the taste of defeat. As I tried to fully comprehend what had happened the official took it upon himself to hit me with another blow. He swung the gun through the air and let the bottom plunge me in my torso, making me cough up some blood from a un recalled hit. I lost balance and slightly stumbled onto the floor, trying to regain strength. I tasted warm blood coming from my teeth, my jaw feeling like it had a lump the size of an apple. The official looked down at me with his beady eyes and made direct contact with mine. An ugly smile began to form on his lips, a slight laughter escaped as well. He looked down at me with greedy eyes, and began to get his leg ready for another kick. He thought that he had won, he was extremely mistaken by his intuition. As he was getting ready for one final blow I quickly tried to think up a solution, cultivating my mind for ideas. As my hatred for this man grew more, pure blue energy weaved in and out of my fingers, making me feel a slight thrill. I looked up at the man and smiled as I began taking numerous amounts of energy from my very own body. The matter collecting onto my hand like a giant orb, the color glinting in the light as I initiated my plan. I was disgusted by my own vile intentions, but somehow I just couldn’t stop myself, something deep down inside of me wanted to brutally harm him. I quickly stood up before his foot connected with my body and shoved my hand towards his chest, letting the pulse of energy swarm throughout him. The energy traveled through his whole body, he backed away from me and started to lose balance, using the wall for support. More officials rushed towards him as others came over to me, staying clear in my path. I watched as the officials body convulsed up and down, struggling for oxygen, his veins began to glow blue and the rims of his eyes turned as well. As I was watching, his body looked like he just went into a fire, the room smelled like burnt flesh as crimson blood escaped his now open pores. His ear piercing screams could be heard throughout the halls, all the students watched in anticipation. Then, his eyes finally closed, and his suffering was over.
"What have I done?" I whispered to myself, looking down at my hands in disbelief. "I'm not a killer!" I screamed, as tears dripped down my cheeks, glistening in the light. As I fell down to the floor, the remaining officials grabbed my arms and took me with them, them and myself included recognizing me as a murderer. They dragged me with them, as others stayed back to clean up the gory mess. The destruction that was caused at the fault of my own hand. I looked down at my hands and aggressively wiped them as if they were unclean, desperately trying to wipe away the sorrow with my own pain. Trying to pretend that none of this had never happened.
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Hey there, Ashley! Pomp here for a review~ Nice title to the novel, by the way. 'Flux' is a cool word.
So the first things that immediately jumped out at me, when I started reading, were: A] the fact that this is a pretty long piece, yowch, and B] that the narrator has been very generous with info-dumps. As to the first issue, I think the piece seems longer than it is because both the prologue + chapter one have been posted together. Also, some of your paragraphs are massive blocks that I struggled to read through. They're not very pleasing to the eye and also make several scenes (and action scenes, at that!) drag on for longer than they should, because the reader is not given gaps to breathe in. I'd advise breaking them up some more when you edit.
Aside from that, I'm really iffy about prologues being used as information discs, or just as a means to dispose of information that would weigh down the first chapter. Usually, this is done so that the first chapter retains the right amount of 'hook', but I'd advise against prologues being used for introductory purposes. This is mostly because everything that was mentioned in the prologue, the MC's motives, their goals, their powers, the situation and circumstances that led to the present, etc., are all things that can be worked into the novel itself. You don't need to inform the reader directly of these bits of info; they are more easily remembered if a subtle hand knits them into the story itself. With high fantasies like Lord of the Rings, which has a huge cult following, a prologue is understandable; but you have to remember that almost all the information that has been conveyed through the prologue will have to be repeated in the novel anyway, for the sake of integration + the reader's understanding. I've noticed that prologues have become a massive 'do', especially for the sci-fi, dystopian genre--I've been guilty of indulging in them myself! In fact, one of the first prologues I wrote was a very dramatic explanation of the history and circumstances besetting the novel, a third world war, and a serum/medicine, the name of which I can't remember for the life of me!
Suffice to say, most people skip prologues. There are instances where they are used well, and very well, because they illustrate scenes that seem unrelated to the course of the main novel, but eventually interweave with the story as we approach the denouement. One of my favourite prologues is by Anthony Horowitz, in Eagle Strike; it's set some twenty years back, in the Amazon, and links to the main character's history and resolves some major issues nearing the end of the novel. My yammering aside, I'll drop this article here; if you're insistent on writing a prologue, it might be good to avoid the tropes that come with it~
Another thing I think could use some work is emotional output. The narrator pins down action after action in a manner that's very robotic and stifling to read through. The way they describe the bombings and the bloodshed is matter-of-fact; I don't know whether it was intended to be this way, but the fact that the narrator condemns these actions, is struggling against them, and yet manages to talk about them indifferently really isn't a good sign. I think the lack of emotion stems partly from the rigid syntax* that the narrator employs, and partly because each and every action has been stated as though it's simply another item on a list. This isn't good, because it bogs down the quality of your prose, and because it makes the writing dry; the story is difficult to enjoy, because it's tough to read through, and because it doesn't succeed in evoking a response from the reader. I used to do this often enough and still slip into the habit--so don't worry! I think what needs most work is just the syntax, and you're pretty set.
*Syntax is just a fancy word for sentence structure. Right now, the sentence structure is subject-verb-object, something like: 'I rode a bike/John rode a bike/Jane rode a bike.' I/John/Jane is the subject, the verb is 'rode', and 'bike' is the object. Take a look at the first paragraph in chapter one. It's a series of 'I's: 'I did this', 'I did that', etc. Similarly, in paragraph eight of chapter one, the sentences mostly begin with 'my'.
Another thing I'm going to suggest you avoid are clichés. Sometimes they may be very obvious--at others, they may not. One major cliché I spotted was in the beginning: the chapter opens with a dream, and the scene continues with the character waking up in the morning, getting ready for school, etc. I used to use this kind of beginning quite often, but it's become something of an overused formula; mull over this for a while! Similarly, you spend time on physical + clothing-related description that I think isn't that important, currently, and do we really need a complete breakdown on what exactly the characters were wearing? You can insert character-related description throughout the narrative more subtly; I'm honestly more interested in character actions/the way they interact with the environment, rather than what they're wearing while doing so.
~ Grammar-related nitpick: that period should be a comma. This article has more on punctuation within dialogue, so check it out!
~ Comma splice. Replace that comma with a period or a semi-colon.
Aside from that, there are several instances of incorrectly used semicolons littered throughout the piece. I won't point them out, but I'll drop this article on semicolons here for your perusal~ Semicolons do look cool and sophisticated on the page, but it's good to use them sparsely--and correctly--instead of everywhere all the time, as fun as it may be!
One thing I'm a bit sceptical of is how Emma was allowed to attend school in the first place, as well as the civilians' reaction to her old school/the training facility being stormed and all. Wouldn't it make sense for there to be public records of who attended the facility, and wouldn't these people be likely to be detained? and interrogated? I just find it weird that the government would go to the extent of carrying out what is essentially a massacre and let the students run free, when they initially saw them as a safety hazard. I'm interested in the gap in Emma's backstory, how she got to where she is, was adopted, etc. I do hope this is covered in future chapters!
I'll get to the next chapter soon. Until then, keep writing! Keep up the good work!
Apologies for if this was a bit harsh, but there's definitely potential, so keep at it~
Cheers.
~Pomp c:
Hi Ashley123, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.






This was the only problem I could find. You changed tenses. There were a few punctuation mistakes and grammar mistakes, but if you just went through it and read it slowly, I sure you'd find them.So this post has the prologue and chapter one. To make it easy on me, I'm going to review them both separately.
Prologue
Plot: I like this whole super soldier plot you have going. Kind of reminds me of Captain America cross the Maze Runner for some reason. Now personally I think you don't really need this prologue since it kind of gives away a lot of the characters past. I know that this information is quite vital to the story, but I think it would be more interesting if you slowly leached out her past for the audience to digest in small bits. There are two reasons for this. The most important is it will make the audience want to read more since they want to find out about the character's past. The second reason is that it will sink in a lot better. The way you laid it out was quite good, but it was still a lot to take in all at once.
Characters: There weren't really characters in the prologue since it was almost narrative. I connected to the main character, but I would have liked to know if she had friends that were killed. You got across that she was devastated about the bombing, but didn't really give a strong reason for why. Did she have friends that died? Was she really committed to the program even after all they did to her? This is another good reason for letting her past slowly leach out. You can drag it out longer and give more feeling.
Description: Your description was fairly good. I could see what was going on, but I do feel that there is space for more improvement. Add some more colour even if it's greys and blacks.
Grammar and Punctuation: As far as I can see, your grammar and punctuation is perfect.
Chapter 1
Plot: Well I will definitely say that the plot in your story is your strongest point. This chapter was full of character arcs and plot development. I can see a few places were you probably have a sub plot brewing too. So far I have no suggestions on how to make the plot better. I can't wait to read more and see what happens.
Characters: The characters in this chapter were really strong and I feel like I already know them really well. This whole problem with Emma's powers was really intriguing and you got across her fear and pain really well. So far all you characters feel realistic and their actions feel real and thought out.
Description: This is you biggest problem I think. There are multiple places in this chapter where I think you could have added a lot more description, but the biggest was the dream right in the beginning. You described that Emma was shaken awake by the dream, so the audience needs to see why she'd afraid. So I'd definitely add quite a bit more description when it comes to the dream. Make the audience become immersed in it. Make it feel like they are there experiencing everything she's experiencing. Make them scared like her. It will give it a bigger impact on the audience.
Grammar and Punctuation:
Overall this was a great story and I'll be reading more soon. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thanks. I'll defiantly make some changes to the prologue.
The idea is awesome but you're not giving me enough detail to enjoy it! I can tell that this story is going somewhere great, the character already seems strong, someone the reader can get attached to. You're doing a lot of telling instead of showing, I still have trouble with that. Something that helps me is watching the scene play out in my head, like a movie, I look at details and try to write them down without directly "telling".
When it comes to dialogue, it needs some work but not very much, I suggest listening in on peoples conversations and watching their reactions. (careful not to look like a stalker, I talk from experience -_-)
Aside from that, your story seems awesome, you're a natural writer! I can tell by your descriptions all you need is some tweaking.
(BTW thank you for the original powers, I haven't read about a character with 'electric' abilities)
Thanks. I will work on my dialogue and the small tweaking. I do have trouble with just telling sometimes. Thanks.
This was a really interesting read. I love the plot you have and the main character seems genuine. I do think you revealed too much of her past too early on, though. (I'm guilty of the same thing in the novel I'm currently revising, though.) Also, your dialogue is kind of off at parts. I used to be really bad at dialogue too, so I know how hard it can be. Try acting out the conversation in your head or out loud. That helps me make my dialogue more realistic. Keep writing! I really like this.
Colly
Thanks. This is something that I had written a while back and recently finished. There are more chapters soon to come that are already completed. But I will take your notes into consideration and begin editing my completed manuscript. Honestly your feedback was much needed, it really is helping me continue to make my novels better. But also I had written this a long time ago. But thanks.
Thanks. This is something that I had written a while back and recently finished. There are more chapters soon to come that are already completed. But I will take your notes into consideration and begin editing my completed manuscript. Honestly your feedback was much needed, it really is helping me continue to make my novels better. But also I had written this a long time ago. But thanks.
No problem! I really do like it. You've got something really interesting here.
Thanks. I have also been interested in reading some of your work as well. Your novel sounds very interesting, I have seen it in the Green Room.
It's my first LGBT romance. I'm kind of nervous about putting it out there. But I'll be posting it to the novel workshop when it's finished.
Cool. I'll be sure to check it out sometime. Really, I am truly interested. It sounds like just the type of material that I would like to read. And thanks again for your feedback.