12+ Violence

4021

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4021

August 21st, 4021

My hands were caked in black coal dust, making my eyes water just at the stinging sensation of the powdered form of a fossil fuel. I took a deep breath in, trying to breathe without getting grime and dust inside my body; even though I probably already had black lungs. I wiped my hands on my jumpsuit, trying my best to clean the black off of my bony fingers, but without much success. I sighed at the frustration of my uncleanly body, I had always hated to be dirty.

I looked over across the cavern, the cold, wet walls began to cloud my vision. Soon, my eyes found Emory, my friend who has stuck by me from the very beginning. Her dirty blonde hair was streaked with lines of black, as if she were purposely trying to dye her hair with the coal. Her eyes looked tired, as her eyelids began to curl up around her eye. Her fair, pale skin was covered in dirt and grime, as if she hadn’t taken a shower in years. I peeled my eyes away from her, trying not to get in trouble for not making my mining my top priority. There were some serious fines in the Republic Government for refusing to work, I couldn’t risk making my family even more poor than we already were. My parents struggled just to by ten rations of food for the month. I released a huge sigh, soon beginning to liftmy pickaxe up and over my shoulder and then swinging it into the rock wall. The sound of metal against rock make my head hurt, and created a monsoon of a headache between my temples. I stopped the mining, dropping my axe on the floor to rub my head. My brain felt like it was throbbing, and my skull felt like it was going crack open. Forget a headache, this was an earthquake of a migraine.

I heard the alarm sounding throughout the cave, the sound and light signaling that it was our one break for the day. The much coveted lunch break, that every worker was required to have by the government. At least they felt for us enough to let us eat a little now and then. I shoved my hard hat off of my head, my hands staining the yellow plastic. I picked up my pickaxe, and placed my hat under my forearm, heading towards the turn in station. I leaned down a bit to pick up my bucket full of my coal findings for the day, my right hand ached as I used my worn out muscles to carry the container. I peered my eyes down in the metal bucket, soon mentally screaming at myself for finding barely any coal. Now all I could do is pray, and hope that I found at least the average amount of coal.

I placed my pick axe back in its holder, and hung up my hard hat, wiping my hands clean as I did so. I soon carried my bucket over to the checkers, the lower class scavengers that were required to monitor the human quadrants instead of living in the city. I slowly breathed in and out, holding my bucket firmly. When I reached the front of the line I placed my bucket on the scale, hoping that the arrow would lean towards the average side of the numbers. I was too nervous to look, I closed my eyes in anticipation.

“You have below average.” said the scavenger checker in his bleak monotone voice. He looked down at the coal and picked up the bucket, pouring the rocks into the large crate that was going to the government. He soon looked back down at me, gesturing me to give him my wrist. I lifted up my wrist and he took it in his hand, he grasped it firmly, as if he had no regard for my pain. He took a small scanner out of his pocket and scanned my I.D chip embedded inside my wrist.

“Kameron Lewis.” He said, looking into my eyes. I said yes to confirm that that was indeed myself, they were always required to ask this since there was a big industry of I.D fraud. Some things in the human society never changed I guess. He checked all of my records, and pricked my finger for some DNA to put in his scanner to make sure that I truly was, one hundred percent, Kameron Lewis. After he finished with his thorough research he looked me in the eye. “The punishment for getting below average of the Republic’s required work habit findings is half a ration for the rest of the week.” He said, soon inputting the knowledge into my chip.

I sighed, half a ration just wasn’t enough to finish out the week with. A full ration was barely anything, after you eat a full ration you still feel immensely hungry. With a half a ration I was going to feel sick to my stomach practically every day. I pulled my wrist away from the scavenger’s cold grasp, his eyes looked like they were staring straight into my soul. If you could even call them eyes. The scavengers were beginning to look more and more like humans it was starting to get harder to decipher man from machine anymore. They took over our world, and then took over our society, leaving us to be slaves. No one even remembers really what it was like before the scavengers. Before America became known as the Republic, and we bowed down to their control. I guess that the world leaders thought that it would be better to surrender to machine than it was for the entire human race to be wiped out of existence. But in some ways, I think that most people would gladly rather die than be stuck with scavenger government.

I made my way out of the checking line and went over to the cafeteria. The old, molded walls were caked with dirt and ivy growing all over the cheap plaster. The gray walls made the place look more like a prison than it did a cafeteria; it was almost baffling how scary and dirty they could make a lunchroom look. The doors were old and creaky, making a high pitched whining sound every time you decided to stop in for lunch. The tables were low and crusty, caked with old rust and food remnants that the workers refused to clean. The overall appearance of the building was enough to make you sick to your stomach before you even sat down to eat.

I made my way over to the long line full of hungry and tired workers. Some were older than me and some were younger. I could pick out the five and seven year olds that looked like stick figures instead of human beings; I felt bad for them, I mean they should be at home, but every child over the age of four was required to work for the Republic. I looked around in the line for Emory, trying to find someone else who was close in my age group. When I spotted her I made my way over to her and she let me cut in front of her. She immediately began whispering in my ear about what happened at home, and how her brother was forced away from his house to participate in the Republic Army. It was rare for any boy from around here to get chosen, but the demand for young and fresh soldiers was high around harvest time. I placed my hand on Emory’s shoulder, trying to comfort her about her brother, even though I knew it would be nearly impossible.

When we reached the front of the line they scanned my chip, and handed me half a ration; I scoffed still upset about the lack of food that I was receiving. The rest of the day seemed like a slow and cloudy blur, my head felt as though it were spinning, and my heart was pumping a thousand miles per hour. I felt something different, something almost alien rise up inside of me. I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t know what was happening. But, before I knew it, when I arrived at home my head started to spin, and my breathing quickened. Then, without warning, I fainted on my bedroom floor, a deep pain rising up in my chest. And then, everything was black.

...

I woke up with small amounts of blood seeping out of my nose, the burning sensation climbing its way up my nostril. I sat up, holding my throbbing head in my hands. I looked around at my surroundings, completely and utterly astonished at what I was seeing. I was no longer in my room, instead I was outside, my legs digging into the grimy dirt. I stood up on my feet, my body wobbling, and my head spinning. I felt deep aching cramps in my sides, and my legs felt like they had been stretched beyond their capability. I struggled to continue standing, the pain was swelling and going down a bit but it still felt nearly unbearable. I looked up, my eyes meeting the blue sky, my skin soon basking in the glowing sensation of the sun. My lips were dried out beyond comprehension, my weak body craving for water. I could barely hear my own thoughts, much less my own voice, but I still somehow managed to speak. I looked off in the distance, city lights gleaming everywhere, and people chattering and car horns honking.

I took one small step forward, my bare feet feeling like jelly beneath me. I tripped falling back onto the moist soil. My throat ached, the skin feeling raw. “Where am I?” I whispered, the words even sounding inaudible for the beholder. Before I knew it I heard a car rolling forward along the dirt, coming towards my slump body. I could barely keep my eyes open as people rushed towards me, their faces blurry to my vision. I began to slowly close my eyes, as the strangers poured water into my mouth. I felt rejuvenated, the water tasted purer than anything that I had ever tasted, without the familiar metallic taste. I moved around, struggling to move my limbs. I looked up at the man above me, his light brown hair spilling over his shoulders. He placed his fingers on my arm.

“It’s okay, everything is going to be okay. We’re going to help you.”

I nodded slowly, before falling into a deep sleep once again, the calmness took over my entire body, making me feel peaceful and serene.

...

I woke up to the sound of a microwave beeping, the sound digging into my mind. I felt a thick migraine develop between my temples. I looked down at my body, my legs covered in ice packs. I could feel my leg muscles becoming less tense, the cool material helping to ease my pain. I moved my leg slightly, still wincing from the stab like pain. I rubbed my hands, trying to distract myself.

I heard feet shuffling over to my closed door, I felt a bile sensation rise up into my throat, my anxiousness heightened. When I heard the brass doorknob slowly turn I began to shake, my breathing made me sound like I was hyperventilating. I brushed my hair out of my eyes, barely able to focus on one thing. Then, without warning the door swung open, three people walking in.

“What’s your name?” asked one of the adults, his brown hair helped me to recognize him immediately. His chiseled, soft features reminded me of my father, with caring hazel eyes. He looked down at me as if I were some sick puppy, his face full of compassion. The woman standing next to him looked similar in age, her long blonde hair was pulled up into a ponytail. Her pale skin made her face look as though it lit up, making me feel a little calmer about the whole thing. Behind both of them was a young looking boy, he looked about sixteen or seventeen. His face was scrunched up, he looked as though he was not happy to be here. I redirected my eyes from his gaze, soon feeling a thick wave of tension in the room.

“I’m Triston.” Said the first man, soon holding the blonde girl’s hand. “And this is Vera.”

I looked over at the Triston and Vera, the corners of my mouth soon coming up into a smile from their impressive hospitality.

“This is my brother Kyle.” Triston said, gesturing towards the young boy behind them. Kyle waved slightly, looking at me for a brief few seconds and then directing his gaze back towards the ground. I smiles, slightly moving as I did so, wincing with more stabbing pain in my left thigh.

“Where am I?” I asked, my voice still raspy.

“You really don’t know? Wow, you must’ve really hit your head. You’re in New York City.” Said Triston.

New York City? How was that even possible? New York was destroyed years ago, in the Republic War. Way back in 3630, two years after the machines were created and the whole fight for humanity began.

“What year is it?” I asked, rubbing my head in confusion.

“3627.”

3627, how could that even be possible?

“N-no, the year is 4021. It’s not possible for it to be 3627, how-, what?” I whispered slightly.

“Calm down, you’re not making any sense, you need some rest and-,”

“N-no! You have to believe me, something happened, something is not right!” I yelled, soon looking out the far window. “My name is Kameron Lewis, I live in quadrant two, in the far part of the Republic. With the scavenger government. How could this have happened? What is happening?” I whispered.

“Scavengers? As in artificial intelligence? How could you possibly know about that? That is a top secret project.” Triston stared cold into my eyes. “Who are you Kameron Lewis?”

I stopped in my tracks, barely breathing. “I don’t know anymore.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what you are. You are a spy for Global Tech. Tell your boss that Triston Truman is not going to tell you his secrets.”

“Wait, Triston Truman? As in True Tech?”

He nodded. I knew exactly who this man was, and what he was going to do. He was the man who would destroy the world, he was the father of the scavengers.I looked into his soft eyes, soon seeing the world being destroyed just because of one man. Who knew that one man could cause this much havoc? Could destroy the world?

I looked up at him, his expression looked nearly emotionless. I put my head down, trying hard to think about my next careful words. Triston could hardly keep his composure, he must've had billions of thoughts racing through his head.

"Triston, listen to me. Please. Okay everything that you have done, and everything that you will do in the future, it's going to change the world. And not in a positive way. If you create these scavengers billions of lives will be lost and enslaved." I said, practically pleading for the human race, becoming their advocate. Triston shook his head, as if he refused to believe me. Now instead of the soft side of Triston I was witnessing the strong angry side, the defensive side.

"Triston, I need to see your scavenger prototype." I said, pleading, and gazing directly into his eyes.

"Why, so that you can show Global Tech? I don’t treat spies with hospitality. Get out of my house now before I throw you out!"

"No! Triston please, you have to believe me. I'm from the future, 4021. Okay, I have no idea how I got here. But, I come from a future possibility of a world ruled by your invention. Artificial intelligence is a real thing, and is a real threat!" I screamed, now about ready to get up off of the bed. He was quiet for a moment, contemplating his newfound knowledge. I eased up a bit, confident in my skills of persuasion.

He scratched his face, rubbing his dry skin around his mouth. "If you're who you say you are, Kameron Lewis, then prove it. Prove to me that you are from the future, and don’t work for Global Tech, and I'll help you." I nodded, letting a nervous smile crawl up my face. I had absolutely no idea how I was going to prove to Triston how I was indeed who I said I was. That I was from the future. How are you supposed to prove something like that if you didn’t have any evidence to match your claim?

I took a deep breath in, trying my best to focus on the task at hand, proving myself. I averted my eyes away from the group, just focusing on my own inner thoughts. I concentrated so hard, that I felt as if my brain were going to explode. I looked down at the floor, my gaze being redirected to my wrist.

"Exactly what I thought. Another liar from Global Tech." Triston announced.

"Just give me a few more minutes!" I directed, trying to continue my focus nature. As I looked down at my wrist, I began to notice something that just might prove my innocence, and that I truly knew what I was speaking of was the truth. My I.D chip, a technology developed before my time, but after 3627. I tried to remember back to what my parent's had taught me about the Republic War, and how our society and technology was developed. Because I knew that the scavengers forced one company in particular to design them for the machines. A company that designed them. True Tech designed these chips, and that’s got to be a valid piece of evidence, I hope.

I rubbed my fingers across the skin that was just slightly above the chip, trying to activate it. Everyone's chips could be activated either by a diviner, a type of scanner that the scavenger checkers used, or by the I.D's owner. It was very hard to master, and was basically a built in cheat that everyone knew about. Only the diviners could pull up personal information, and change your status, but the owners of the chips could activate it too for a brief second just to look at their stats. My mother had taught me this little trick when I was only five. When I first went to work in the mines, my mother wanted me to know how to check my stats, so that I would never forget. Things like my security code, and, and my worker I.D. Things that were hard for a young girl to remember. I used to activate my chip every night, just to make sure that my codes were still the same. A trick that I thought was useless at first, might just come in handy now. If I can prove to Triston that he invented it in the future, maybe he would believe me.

I slowly rubbed my thumb across my skin, trying to get my fingerprint in contact with the chip itself. As I was rubbing my skin, the details on the chip began to slowly light up, giving my skin an almost unrealistic feel. The lines lit up, the blue a faded color. I brought my wrist into view of the three contenders standing in front of me, my head streaked with beads of sweat.

"I hope this is proof enough for you." I said, my voice deep and raspy.

I swiped my wrist, my stats soon coming up immediately. The pale blue lit up the room, causing Triston's face to twist into amazement. The imagery looked like my own personal hologram, like it was standing up by itself, full of life. l I swiped through everything, trying to find something that would sell the proof even more. When I began to deactivate my chip, I remembered the whole process that would happen at the end, a process that would make them believe. When the information began to disappear, the blue turned to a faded white, and then, in the middle of the hologram a logo popped up. A logo that was two T's crossed together. Symbolizing the much well known True Tech. The image powered down, returning into it's chip. I rubbed my hand, looking straight onto Triston's face. I breathed in, my body tired.

"Your company designed this chip. They designed it after the scavengers were made. True Tech is the author of all destruction in 4021. Please, Trison, you have to believe me. The whole world is at stake, you will destroy the human race if-"

"No more to be said." Triston said, holding up his hand.

"But-"

"No." He paused, "I'll show you my prototype. But promise me, promise me that if I do this I won't be the man that caused all of this pain." A look of hurt flashed across his face.

"I promise." I said, confident.

"Alright, then follow me." He said. "We're gonna take a little trip downtown. To True Tech HQ."

I nodded, happy that I convinced him, and that I was going to help save the world from destruction. I slowly began to rise from the bed, the pain from my legs surprised me, but in a good way this time. Now that all of the stress, and tension from the previous argument was gone, the pain seemed to have somewhat melted away. I could bear weight on it, the feeling was no longer completely and utterly unbearable, it was now a much easier task than what was invoked before. I took a breath in as Vera rushed over to the side of the bed to help me better ease into it. I exhaled, giving out short, sharp breaths at a time, leveling my weight. I soon weaned off of Vera, ready to hold my own weight. As we began to walk out of the house, and I walked past Kyle, who was now heading toward a couch, beginning to slowly close his eyes. I felt Vera's hand touch the small of my back as she and Triston led me towards their car, I slightly limped from behind.

When we reached the car, I was immediately confused on how this machine worked. In the human quadrants we weren't allowed to have any other modes of transportation other than our own two feet. I had seen cars before, but only from pictures of the city. Only scavengers and wealthy humans were allowed to live in the city, therefore only they could own the luxuries such as cars.

My breath was taken away by the shiny, gray metallic car sitting in the front of their yard. The car was not like the cars that I had imagined that lived in the cities. There you had the most expensive possessions, which included hydro-cars, and hover carriers, things that required a stronger and conservative energy source. The type of car that I was seeing in front of me was a much more old fashioned design. I'd only ever heard about gas powered cars, never had I actually seen one, not even in a hologram. There was just something old, and vintage to it that made me fall in love with it, that made me beam with pride and joy.

When Triston opened the door for me, I slowly began to crawl in, trying to manage my leg in the process. I let my skin touch the cool leather, the material felt softer than cot back at home. There was just some sort of a distinguished smell that the car had, a natural fragrance that just let you beg the question. I moved my hands throughout the back part of the car, trying to take it all in at once. Even though my hands were still rather dirty, Triston and Vera didn’t seem to care. They just let me stay in my own personal bubble of excitement, my joy for new things, and for this new world. Triston laughed slightly as he climbed into the front of the car, soon putting some keys into the vehicle. He then turned them, in one fast and swift motion.

"First time riding in a car?" He asked, his voice sounding sarcastic. I nodded, now letting out my shy side, as if I had just met them two minutes ago. "Okay." He said, turning the keys, "Buckle up Kammy, we got a long ride ahead of us. Well, somewhat long." Triston remarked, as he began to move the car. There was a sudden jerk as we began to move, my stomach felt like it was rising up in my throat.

"Buckle up?" I asked, completely embarrassed by my lack of knowledge.

Vera peered back at me, and leaned back from her seat to help me. She pulled a strap from my right side, and pulled it over my shoulder, soon securing a buckle at my left side. The fabric felt odd and unfamiliar to me, but I still remained still to go with it. When we backed out of the driveway I could feel my heart pumping with adrenaline. We were going to save the world, get rid of the scavengers. Now all i could do is sit back and wait, wait for everything to go okay, without too much intervening with the past.

The car jerked forward and so did my body as the car came to a stop. I seemed to be the only one making such drastic reactions to the vehicles every move. We all got out of the car, the pain now almost completely gone from my leg. I turned around, now looking at the True Tech headquarters. The building looked as though it was constructed purely from glass, every sharp edge was striking. The sun seemed to glare off of the material in just the right way, making me smile just from the strong effect. The structure looked as though it were ten or twenty stories high, my leg winced just thinking about how much walking I was going to have to do. Above the large, glass doors hung a giant sign. The sign was full of vibrant and exciting colors. The logo was outlined in black, helping the words True Tech really pop.

"Follow me." Triston said once again, as if Vera and I were his interns on our first day on the job. I traced my steps to Triston's, now only slightly limping with the pain that was almost dormant now. When we reached the big glass doors, I cautiously walked into the lobby of the headquarters, the feel felt to fancy for someone like me to be walking in. There was a big, burly man at the front of the desk. His face had a stubby beard, and his ear held an earpiece. As we walked past Triston retrieved his key card from his pocket, scanning it on a sensor on the wall as we walked past.

We walked through what felt like miles and miles of halls and platinum grade doors. There was so much security I felt like I was being investigated by the Republic government. When we finally reached the end of our journey, Triston looked back at me, as if to check to see if I were still following. He entered a code into a keypad that looked almost transparent to the wall. The wall then slowly opened up, leading to another scanner. He then scanned his eye, his eye lids somehow managed to stay completely open for the whole time. After that, the system finally let us into the secret room. As we walked in the doors closed behind us, forming back into what looked like an ordinary wall. A sudden chill crawled up my spine as we went deeper and deeper into the room, if you could even classify it as that. The room was bigger than my entire house back in the Republic. There were high ceilings and machinery placed everywhere, the white paint seamlessly opening up the room even more.

"It's breathtaking isn’t it?" Vera said. "The first time I came in here, I was completely amazed." I nodded, agreeing with her original remark. Everything about the room was just so sheer and crisp, so clean. A feeling that I had never had for a room before, not even any constructed figure.

I looked across the room, my eyes scanning every small detail of the entire room. Triston began across the room, while Vera and I followed. Then, we came to yet another security door, another prepaid precaution to keep just anyone from getting in. Triston typed in the code, the doors soon unveiling into the room within a room. This was a smaller area, but yet still bigger than I had imagined. The walls were lined up with certificates from colleges with the name TristonTrumenwritten across all of them. There were tables, and chairs scattered everywhere, small bits of previous inventions of True Tech that I had recognized. It was magnificent, I was caught up in my own little fantasy of what was Triston and his brilliant mind. I began to let my gaze go back to Triston, him and Vera both frozen in fear. I began to slowly follow their gaze, and that's when my eyes deceived me. In front of us two guarded men stood, guns drawn. They were hiding a man behind them, his face hard to make out. They each had padding after padding of black fabric to protect them from bullet wounds. They wore black helmets, and looked as though they had spent their whole lives working out in the gym. Across their chests were two familiar words, Global Tech. I looked from them to Vera, my body now as frozen as theirs. I wanted to speak, but my brain was telling me to keep my mouth shut.

"Triston Truman." Said the man in the center, soon coming into plain view. He had bleak, white hair, his skin full of wrinkles and old age. He wore a black suit, and sleek glasses hung upon his face. Where Triston looked young, and full of life, the man made up for it in old age, and wrinkles.

"Jedidiah Fussell." Triston said, his lips curling into a scowl. I looked around, surprised by what had just happened. This was Jedidiah Fussell, the CEO of Global Tech, True Tech's competing company. "How did you get in here?" Triston retorted, trying to investigate the man to the best of his ability.

"You only need to know, what I tell you Triston. You stupid boy, you're too young to be running this company." Jedidiah said, a smile creeping up his face.

"Get out of here now. Before I call security!"

"You know what Triston? I think that I'd much rather stay, and I don’t think that your security is going to have a big problem with that." When he finished, Jedidiah gestured toward one of his bodyguards, soon the man pulled a small tablet out of his pocket. Jedidiah took the tablet in hand, soon turning the image toward us, a menacing look on his face. The image was horrifying. Kyle was tied up to a post somewhere that I couldn’t recognize. The ropes around his wrists were streaked with blood, from struggling, his skin was beginning to develop rope burn. His legs were scrunched up against his chest in an uncomfortable looking position, he looked absolutely sickly. His face was a pale white, the edges covered in dirt and grime. His eyes were streaked with tears, and duct tape was secured over his mouth. A gun was pointed at his head. Triston's face was looked as though he had just seen a ghost, something that he had never seen coming. Vera covered her mouth, muffled cries soon came into play, she tightened her grip around Triston's arm.

"Let him go or I swear to God I will make you pay-"

"Don’t get all brave on me now Triston. Your brother will be just fine, as long as you do, a little favor for me." Jedidiah said, slyly. Triston and Vera took a deep breath as they waited for Jedidiah's last words. I myself felt like the world was spinning, and that everything was crashing down around me, me the focal point for everything that is wrong with what I had set out to do. "I want everything that you had finished so far for Project X."

"How do you even know about that?" Triston began, "It's been under raps."

"Like I said before Mr. Truman. I have my ways."

The two men started at each other, as if they were trying to mentally outwit one another. There was a thick wave of silence in the air, something that seemed as though unbreakable.

"What's Project X?" I said, interrupting the two men. Jedidiah fixed his serpent like eyes on me, his glasses framed around his face.

"And who is this, Triston?" He questioned, his eyes full of wonder.

"Nobody. S-s-she's no one."

I was a little hurt by Triston's response, I drew back a little on my interrogating.

"It's a deal Fussell." Triston ended, soon shaking hands with the man.

"Smart man." He said, his eyes soon taking on a mind of their own. Fussell made his way over to line of technology that paved the wall. My eye had completely overlooked what was at the far back of the room. I struggled to see over Fussell's men, but then the image became clear. Along the wall lined the comings of Project X. Along the wall there layed the prototype for the scavengers. I took a sharp deep breath in, trying not to draw attention to myself. I couldn’t let Triston give those away, possibly creating yet another generation of those vile machines.

"You can't do this!" I screamed. "You'll destroy the world."

"If I don’t they'll kill Kyle!" He retorted, tears streaking down his cheeks.

"And I understand that Triston. But if you do this you'll kill millions."

Triston nodded, as if faced with his own predicaments. "You're right." He said, as if those were the last words coming out of his breathless lungs. "They can't activate them without the activation code." He whispered, making sure to keep his voice low. "I have a plan." He said, more tears touching his skin. I nodded, I now had full trust in him. He has done nothing but proved himself, he was a true American leader.

"What's the activation code Truman?" Jedidiah said, his voice stern. "Don’t make me remind you of what's on the line."

Triston looked to me, and then to Vera, his expression was full of heart wrenching sadness. "32476." He whispered.

"You better not be lying to me, or I will tell my men to kill Kyle right now."

"I'm not lying. I would never lie to you about something like this."

Jedidiah nodded, imputing the numbers into the computer. Triston leaned down, and whispered something into my ear. "Make the world a better place Kameron Lewis, do it for me." He whispered, softly and faintly. Soon the computer beeped, and made a loud alarm sound, causing everything to glow red.

"Triston, what have you done?!"

Before I knew it, everything went up into a bright luminate flame. The building began to crumble, and the walls shook. Triston gave them the self destruct code, he was willing to kill himself for his brother, and for the world. I felt immense heat, the place scorching around me. The smell of smoke and ash made my throat feel raw. The world around me began to disappear. A large headache developed between my temples, and blood soon seeped through my nostrils. And then, everything was black. Everything was a dark, familiar, black.

I woke up to the sound of an alarm clock, a sound that I had only hear from working in the mines. Everything around me was new, and smelled cleaned. My hair was clean, and smelled of flowers, and my clothes felt like they were made of pure silk. My headache so bad, and my legs felt the same familiar pain as last time. I could feel faint memories of the past world, of everything. But, they seemed like more like a dream, or was it a memory. Everything about everything seemed do surreal. I couldn’t tell if the adventure that I had just had was real, or fiction.

Soon, the world around me was spinning, blood came out of my nose, and my headache grew even more. And then, before I knew it everything was black. My life seemed like a distant memory, I couldn’t decipher truth, from fantasy.

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felistia
Review

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Observations

I took a deep breath in, trying to breathe without getting grime and dust inside my body; even though I probably already had black lungs.
This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me and reads awkwardly. If she was try to stop stuff from getting into her lungs then why did she breath deeply? Wouldn't she be taking shallow breaths?
That's the one thing. The other thing is that the structure of the sentence makes for a confusing and awkward read. I'd look into revising this sentence.

the cold, wet walls began to cloud my vision.
Do you mean
the cold, wet walls began to cloud in my vision.
Because why would the walls cloud her vision?

Grammar and Punctuation

There are a few places where you need to fix run on sentences and replace commas with full stops.

Overall thoughts

Story plot: This was a really interesting story and got hooked with in the first paragraph. It's quite obvious that this is well thought out and that you had the plot details all laid out before you started writing. It's a pity this isn't a novel as it seems like a great story that could do with a bit of expanding. It would be nice if the story had dragged out just a bit more. You could have given more details on characters and surroundings. I really think you should consider turning this into a short novel. :D

Characters: I really liked Kameron. She seemed like such a sweet little girl, but at the same time far older than her years. It would have been nice to spend a bit more time with her. Maybe drag out a few scenes with her to make me feel what she was feeling. Like the first time she time travels. You could have lengthened that part. There are a few other places where I think you could have really given me a bit more of her emotions. :D

Description: Your description in her was really nice, but I do feel that you could have gone a step further. Describe sounds, smells and tastes as well as sight. There are a lot of places where you could have described these senses. It would add a more realistic feeling to the whole story and would get the reader more engrossed in the story.

Title: I do think that you could have come up with more interesting title. While 4021 does fit the story, it doesn't exactly pull readers towards you story. Maybe something like
Scavengers
? That's a lot more interesting than 4021.

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image

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acm
Review
acm wrote a review · Sat Dec 10, 2016 3:24 pm

Hi Ashley123, acm here for a review.
I really liked this writing, especially with its twist ending. There was a good story line in it, and you didn't give too much exposition in the beginning. That is one thing that many writers do when they're starting a science fiction story. This story, however, didn't have information dumps and let that information come in throughout the story.
I just have one thing that I would work on.

A lot of your sentences began with the word, "I". That is okay when you're writing in first person, but in some paragraphs, every sentence was the narrator saying, "I did this..." or "I heard this..."
For example, this paragraph.

I woke up to the sound of a microwave beeping, the sound digging into my mind. I felt a thick migraine develop between my temples. I looked down at my body, my legs covered in ice packs. I could feel my leg muscles becoming less tense, the cool material helping to ease my pain. I moved my leg slightly, still wincing from the stab like pain. I rubbed my hands, trying to distract myself.

When you hear this, it seems like the narrator is just saying what is happening, instead of actually showing it. Instead of saying that the narrator heard the microwave, you could say this: The microwave beeped, and the sound dug into my mind.
That way, it isn't so choppy.

That is the only thing I noticed. Other than that, I would reread for typos or punctuation, because I saw a few places where I would put another comma or a space after a period. Other than that, though, I thought this was perfect. You are a very good writer, and I can't wait to read more of your work.

Thanks, I will take your advice and revise my work. Thank you for the review. :)



Prometheus, thief of light, giver of light, bound by the gods, must have been a book.
— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves