The wind howled. The rain poured down in heavy sheets pressing down on her body. Her mouth was sore and dry. Her chest was heaving and threatening to burst. She panted like a wild dog
Pant, pant, pant.
Her knees were shaking. Her naked feet were bruised and wet with the new spring rain. Her heart was racing and beating wildly, yet somehow still in rhythm with her thumping feet.
Thump, thump, thump.
She grinned. Her body was telling her to slow down, that this was too much. But her mind and heart said otherwise.
She loved the adrenaline rush of running in the rain. She was free. Away from those nasty children at school and their lies. Free. Away from her mother's new funny, yet odd, boyfriend.
Free, free, free...
Her roaring pace slowed as she neared the little white house. Well, she thought, hopefully it would rain again tomorrow. For, as long as she could run, it didn't matter what those horrid kids at school said. It didn't matter if Mom was engaged or not. Nothing mattered. Her spring runs were a sanctuary, and there was nothing, nothing, that anyone could do about it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Yay, running in the rain! Fun, isn't it?
Anyway, the fist thing that struck me was that you have to stop saying "was." (I know this because it's one of my problems.) A lot of was's take away from the action. Say "she panted like a wild dog," not "she was panting like a wild dog." Believe me, it'll make it SO much better.
Also, I feel like her reasons for running away don't need to be explained yet. For now, just have her run. And I do agree with kitty that some detail would be good.
Great job, and an intriguing start to a story. I look forward to the next part!
Hi!
I liked this. I loved the way you had the three words all alone in their own paragraphs and italicized... very cool.
It is a bit cliche, as others have pointed out, and I think one way to fix that (among others) is to switch it into present tense. You don't have to, just a suggestion.
This being flash fiction, there isn't really much to critique, but I'll do my best
Period after dog... you knew that, but no harm pointing it out.
You can actually delete this bit. I think it will be better without it.
Delete the second Free. Repetition is good, but you do it later so having it here is overkill.
I think these should be in their own paragraph and italicized like the "pant pant pant" and "thump thump thump"
If this isn't a prologue, I think you might want to delete the whole last paragraph. If it's flash fiction though, then you can keep it.
Remember: These were just my opinions and when you get down to it, I did like it... it can just use some work
PM me if you have questions!!
~A~
I agree with the previous reviewers. I did find it a bit cliche, with the
"don't stop now" and things like that. Some sentences I also found a bit repetative. This was probably intentional, but it still doesn't run smoothly. Some grammatical editing, mayhap? Other than that, I like this as a beggining. It wants to be continued
PM me if you have questions
Aye, I agree with Kitty on this one. It's a very eloquent piece, but it really should be expanded. Unless you want to just leave it as flash fiction, which is pefectly okay, but it could also have more conflict.
Keep it up, though! You have some talent to work with.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
*Moved to Other Fiction*
Hello! Just wanted to say a quick welcome to the site and it's lovely to meet you!
Okay. Now for the story. I think you have some really nice descriptions here and you use short setences and italics effectively but it's rather short and uneventful. Perhaps you could extend this and have her meet someone while running in the rain? Just add a little conflict to the story and it's nice that you gave us some idea of why she's running and the visuals helped me to visualise this but remember to describe surroundings. Is she running across grass, through a field or along the pavement? Is it very windy? Also, perhaps add a few short sentences about how her clothes and hair are wet and how the air smells and what she can hear. What time of day is this? Afternoon when there's lots of traffic, early morning or night?
Just a few questions to get you thinking but generally, this was well written and I enjoyed reading it. Keep up the good work and it's lovely to meet you =)