Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Prologue
There were so many thoughts rushing into James Donne’s head: one was remembering all the good times he’d be having right now if he wasn’t there; another was why he let himself get caught by the most powerful man he knew; lastly, was one that forced all the other thoughts out of James’ head, "I need to breathe!"
James finally felt the relief of fresh air after a man named Xander took the soaking cloth off his face.
“Well that’s one way to hydrate someone.” He said still catching his breath.
“Where is he?” Xander asked.
“You torture me and then ask me questions? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I’m sure you would get quicker answers if you just-” Xander slapped him.
“Mr. Donne, I really don’t want to be hurting you any more than I have to. How about you just tell us?” James still had no idea what accent Xander had, he was considering Polish.
“You know what? Waterboarding isn’t all that bad.” That was a lie; he had experienced torture before but waterboarding was definitely the worst.
Xander looked at his comrade and gave him a nod. Fists rained down on James’ face until he was one punch away from passing out. His face was so bloody and numb; he could barely manage to breathe. He was wondering how much experience they must have with torture to know precisely when to stop. Then he stopped wondering when Xander pulled his head back and put the cloth over his face again, screaming as he heard the water gushing out the hose.
At that moment someone else entered the room, Xander stopped what he was doing and so did the water. James wanted to cry, but he knew that crying would only encourage Xander do something even worse, it was a fetish of some kind. The man pulled a chair in front of James and sat down. It was quiet. Copper coloured water dripped from James’ hair.
“Good morning, Mr. Donne.” The man said casually. James recognised the voice. “What? No good morning to me?”
“U-uh, yes, it truly is a good morning, sir. Did you sleep well?” said James a little muffled from the cloth, he was slowly getting his wits back. The man chuckled.
“You’re a funny man Mr. Donne, and please call me, Mr. Nowacki. Xander, get that dirty cloth off him so I can hear what he is saying.” James is actually glad he had the cloth on his face, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have picked up that Mr. Nowacki’s accent was slightly different than it usually was. This means that Mr. Nowacki had spent a lot of time in a different country.
“Now,” continued Mr. Nowacki, “I hear you are being a little stubborn, even after all you've been through. I respect your strength.” James thought then that if Mr. Nowacki hadn’t come in just then, then he actually might have talked. “But being strong isn’t going to help you much longer.” Continued Mr. Nowacki again, “With or without your help we will find him, but understand this: if we don’t get an answer from you right now, we are going to be hurting innocent people. Can you live with that?”
“I don’t care anymore.” Said James a little angrily.
“Now, now Mr. Donne. I know what it feels like to have someone taken from you, and I know I would do whatever it takes to get them back. So you must understand that I have my reasons.”
“Fuck off!” shouted James feeling the tears come up again. He just knew Xander had a big grin on his face, waiting for him to burst into tears.
“I would love to, but I need to get an answer from you.” James could hear him getting more impatient.
“Do whatever you want, I’m not going to be the reason someone I love dies again.”
“I admire your courage Mr. Donne, but like I said: with or without you.” He looked at Xander and gestured to the door he came in. Xander walked over, opened the door and two men walked in holding a woman with tears running down her face and gag to stop her from screaming. At first James had no Idea who this woman was but then he remembered she would come by every few days at night to give him some water, food and clean his wounds.
“This woman, Mr. Donne, was stealing food from me and giving it to you.” James was dumbstruck. Why did this woman risk her life to help him? She must have known exactly who these people are it’s not a secret, even to the Police.
James looked at her, “Why? Why would you steal from men like these?” he paused, not expecting an answer,” It’s not fair!” James said this not because he thought that punishing this woman was unfair, rather he meant he felt it unfair that anyone who showed him any kindness would die.
Mr. Nowacki stood up and moved the chair back to where he found it. He nodded at Xander as he pulled out a pistol from his waist and they all left the room.
“This is your last chance Mr. Donne.” He kicked the woman on her knees in front of James and pointed the gun at her head. “Where is your brother?” James stared blankly, trying to get himself to think of a way to get her out of this situation. He needed someone to swoop in and save the day. He wanted his brother to burst through that door and laugh at him for crying. He wanted so desperately to think that his dear old brother was just pulling pranks on him again. Mr. Nowacki cocked the gun.
No, this is real. If I don't tell him where Em is then this woman is dead. He looked at the powerful man, and then looked deep into the eyes of the woman in tears.
“I’m so sorry.”
There was a deafening noise. James’ heart raced, hers didn’t.
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125,035 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
Hey there! I'm about to read chapter 1.1 in the Green Room, but I thought it'd be a good idea to read this first. So my review won't be that detailed, I'll just point out anything that catches my attention which you may or may not like to fix.
There were so many thoughts rushing into James Donne’s head: one was remembering all the good times he’d be having right now if he wasn’t here; another was why he let himself get caught by the most powerful man he knew; lastly, was one that forced all the other thoughts out of James’ head, “I need to breathe!”
A prologue is an introduction to the story, and this paragraph was an excellent introduction to your prologue. Just one thing that I couldn't get past was the wording. Although I don't think this is technically true, in my mind it sounds like you've switched between past and present tense. 'He'd be having right now' and 'he let himself get caught' are the culprits, I think. The only way it makes sense to me is to add 'had' in the second phrase. But like I said, I don't think this is an actual error, it's just my reading style.
“U-uh, yes it truly is a good morning, sir. Did you sleep well?” said James a little muffled from the cloth, he was slowly getting his wits back. The man chuckled.
Another personal preference sort of nitpick: I would add a comma after yes. Without it, the sentence just flows unnaturally fast.
There was a deafening noise. James’ heart raced, hers didn’t.
Oh. My. Goodness. Talk about writing genius. I love how you don't even mention that the gun was actually fired, but your words make it obvious in such a dark way. This is a great ending to the prologue! I'll head straight over to the first chapter now. I'm interested to see how you'll link the two.
Hey there! Thanks for the review, you made some good points. I disagree that the first paragraph was switching tenses, but I did manage to find something that would make it clearer (thanks for that)
I fixed a couple punctuation errors too.
Really appreciate the help! Hope you follow the story
Hey luv. I think this was very good, i loved the humour , you should contiune with that , his character will defiantly draw peoplw to your book. I also think the first paragraph is a bit awkard or doesn't really make sense . A little gramtical erros as well, but that can be easily fixed. Other than that i can see this being quite a good book, just make sure not to make it a cliché kind of hero book . :p
Hi, AlyTheBookworm here with a review!
This was pretty interesting and the beginning immediately jumped into the action, quickly catching my attention. I will definitely be keeping an eye out for the first chapter! It feels a little strange to be critiquing someone so much older than me (I just keep imagining nerdy little me trying to give writing advice to my older brother, an amazing writer) but I hope you take this review into account anyhow and that it helps you out.
Most of the things that bothered me were simple grammar problems or the occasional awkward sentence that didn't flow. I didn't notice any big plot problems in this prologue, except for one small thing that didn't fit. Unless there's some unknown reason that will be revealed in the later chapters, it's unrealistic that the woman would risk her life for James. Even with a well-meaning person who would want to help, it's unlikely that they would help a stranger who had gotten into trouble with such a powerful and dangerous man.
A small thing that got on my nerves was the title. 'The Powerful Man' doesn't sound good. It's too plain and not very exciting. Changing it may attract reader's interest better.
Here's another nit-pick: The first paragraph was kind of awkward, and your first sentences are pretty important. They're the reader's first impression of the story, so you want to give a good one. "These are some of the thoughts going through the head of someone who did wrong against a powerful man." Again, the phrase "a powerful man" doesn't really grab my interest and I feel like the word "going" should be replaced with something less bland. I would prefer even a simple, "These were some of the thoughts running through James' head." You could add another sentence after, "He wondered once again why he had gone and upset someone with so much power." The change of tenses is also a little disorienting for readers.
I'm not going to go over grammar, but I did notice that most of the grammar mistakes were with punctuation.
Overall, I really liked this and I hope to see more of it! I especially loved James' witty, humorous answers, and just from that he seems like a likable character. I hope this review helps you out!
-AlyTheBookworm
(By the way, I love your avatar)
Hey Aly, thanks for the input definitely appreciated.
My greatest struggle in writing seems to be punctuation so far, it hasn't quite sunk into habit.
First of all, the point of the woman who risked her life was to show that innocent people who help people out of sheer kindness does happen, I understand you wouldn't quite know that because of your age (no offense). Secondly, I wanted to convey the pure ruthlessness of Mr Nowacki.
The title "The powerful man" was simply to attract readers to read my Prologue, it is by no means the title of the novel. I don't exactly have a title for the book yet so I decided a description of the prologue would suffice.
I agree that the first paragraph is a little strange, I'll look into changing it.
I struggle sticking to one tense too (I'm working on it)
I'm glad you enjoyed the Prologue and I hope you follow the story because I will definitely need someone of your analytical skills to keep me in check
Thanks again for the review.
You're welcome for the review!
I guess I can believe that the woman would want to help, and no offense taken, but since I'm young wouldn't I be more innocent, immediately believing that someone would be willing to help a stranger?
Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Haha, its more got to do with your not believing that a woman would endanger herself for a stranger involved with dangerous people. It happens, that was all.
Hey, Sokka! I had to.
Overall, this came off as a strong dramatic action scene due to the focus, budding sense of character, and pacing, but suffers where the prose falls short and punctuation stutters.
The best part of this is the dialogue. The dialogue here gives a strong sense of character, pushes the action forward, and feels almost cinematic. Kudos there.
I also liked the final sentence here. It's good dramatic contrast and closes off the chapter with a sense of the definite.
Alright, it's grammar time! As mentioned above, there's some punctuation oddities in this work, specifically in the comma use area. Let me pull out a segment or two to analyse.
I really do love the variety of punctuation choices here, but it's not all being used correctly. Here's a source on punctuation for you:
http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/
The best advice I have for this is simply to read. A lot. Of published work. Like most grammar rules, the best way to learn it and have it stick is to just be exposed to it.
Anywho, here's my fixed version of the above statements.
You also use a lot of passive voice here. That's when the word 'was' is used in a sentence along with another verb, and it's generally something to avoid, especially in action sequences. This is because passive voice weakens the stronger actions by clouding up and distancing the sentence.
The plot works great for an action sequence. What is going on is always clear and one gets the sense that there are no throw-away lines.
Overall, I think what's going on here is great for a opener, but the prose lacks polish, and that's too bad. In any case, I'll be reading the next chapter when it's up, so you're doing something right!
Eternity here to review your work!
What I think of the title: I'm interested to see what this is. //reads
What I think of the plot(line): Hmm, very interesting. I really like this! I think it has true potential. Now just for the actual advice and the Et that nobody really sees until I begin reviewing. I'll apologize in advance for anything that comes off rude. I am honest in my reviews.
What I like: I like the plot and the entirety of this story. It's very interesting to me and Action/Adventure/Mystery isn't my favorite genre, so you got me there.
What I dislike: Hmm, I'm just going to speak from experience. People don't really like Prologues, and the majority of the time, people skip them. Prologues are very ever read and many don't find them useful at all. It's kind of like stepping into something that is time travel to Chapter one. I, personally, love to write prologues, but I have learned that those normally do not get the reviews unless they are connected to chapter one all written in the same work. I get the whole, sneak peek kind of deal, but speaking from experience, they're mostly skipped.
Character Development: I can't say much about this because I'm not sure how a character can develop in a prologue so SKIP.
Descriptions: I like the detail you used. My biggest thing in writing is DETAILSSS. When people just jump right in and not include detail, even if it's a prologue, it drives me nuts. So thank you for pleasing me there! Haah. Anyway, I really do like the descriptions. Perhaps a little more on the character description though. What do they look like? History? Etc.
Suggestions: Please add periods after "Mr" or "Mrs" or "Ms". That's all.
Dialogue: I like the dialogue. You didn't flood it. You didn't overuse it. It was nice and continuous when needed. So props to you on that!
Sentence Structure: Ehh nothing to say. I've touched upon everything pretty much.
My Comments: I really hope I helped and that you continue this story because you have hooked me. I'm interested as to what will happen next. I do like this, and this genre really never pleases me to THUMBS UP. Well done, mate! Have a nice day.
Thanks for the input Eternity!
I made this as a prologue because James isn't the main character, his brother will be. So this prologue isn't really necessary for the story to make sense, as any prologue should.
Glad to see I got you hooked, I'll try to dish out a Chapter one soon enough.