Chapter 1
India can be a very beautiful place, rich with culture, religion and vibrant colours. But despite its beauty it is also a very dangerous place. India has trouble dealing with rape, theft and violent crimes. But worst of all, there is a criminal organisation that is known to kidnap women and children and send their families ransom letters. There’s not much that can be done about this because the population of 1 billion makes it near impossible for the police to make any real progress. There is also suspicion that the police are involved in it too, at least partly anyways.
It was an especially hot day in West Bengal, India; the streets looked like schools of fish gliding in swift easy movements, moving as one. But these were not fish; if you looked closely then you would find tourists being pickpocketed, women being treated unfairly and children begging for money. But among all this rustle and bustle there walked a white women quite out of place in this busy Indian street.
Alex Baluch was glad she was wearing a common purple and blue Sari that hid her face; this helped her blend into the streets without being too much of an eyesore. It also brought out her stunning green eyes. However as much as India is advertised as a tourist friendly country, the locals sure weren’t shy about staring and showing their disgust when they saw her face.
Alex was walking with a piece of paper from the police that told her where crimes happened in the past few weeks. She had already been wandering the streets of West Bengal for a few days now, but never managed to find anything, other than a child she saw stealing a mango from an unsuspecting man carrying a basket of fruit, she decided to let that one slip. Sweat was dripping down her forehead; she wondered how women managed to spend the whole day in those clothes.
Earlier she had taken a look at the list of reported crimes in the area and managed to see a pattern. It seemed they worked quite sporadically in small areas, but if you looked further back you could see that they almost zig-zagged through the streets. For the past few days she’s been waiting for the crime to come to her.
She saw a woman walking around the market wearing clothes that looked quite expensive, Alex’s instincts told her that this seemed a likely suspect, so she kept an eye on her while keeping her distance. Weaving through the crowd Alex could just manage to see the woman strolling from stall to stall, browsing and buying clothing and jewellery. After half an hour Alex almost gave up following her, this was until she walked down an alley, losing sight of her. Alex pushed through a group of men she was walking behind; they said something in their language that Alex figured must have been insults. But she had no time to apologise. She quickly made her way to the alleyway that the woman walked down earlier, but as soon as she looked around the corner the woman had walked around another corner a distance away. She started to take a little jog.
Alex got to the other corner and sure enough there was the well clothed woman, also being followed by a local man in rugged clothing who didn't look like he had good intentions. Alex didn’t like the way the situation looked but she decided not to engage and followed them close enough so that she could keep an eye on them, but far enough so that the man wouldn’t notice her. She needed him to make a move.
As soon as the woman walked into another alleyway and the man had turned his head to make sure no one was watching, he started moving towards the woman. This is when Alex decided to close the gap between them in case she needed to chase him. Suddenly the man went in to swipe the woman’s bag of clothes and jewellery; the woman had heard the man approaching and made an effort to keep her grip on the bag. The man was tugging at the bag viciously and the woman looked terrified and yelled for help, she continued to manage a hold on her bag. Alex ran in, pulled a gun from her bag, pointed it at the man and yelled something to get his attention. The man looked up and instantly pulled out a knife from his pants and grabbed the woman from behind keeping the knife at her throat.
Shit.
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Canary word: Present
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
Hello,
I thought this was a good first chapter overall.
I didn't really care for the opening paragraph. I thought it felt a little too much like a book report for my taste. After that however I think the story started to pick up.
Even thought this is the first chapter I feel like this will be an intense story full of action and suspense.
Looking forward to reading more.
Hey, thanks for the review.
It seems several people weren't too keen on my first paragraph so I suppose I should alter it a little. If you would be so kind would you explain what kind of paragraph you would like to expect from the first paragraph of a novel like this?
I'm glad that you liked my post, I hope you read my prologue and my future work as well.
Thanks again!
Seeya.
Hello, Sokka.
The first chapter emerges!
It makes for a dramatic departure from that prologue on content.
I am iffy on that opening paragraph. The way it's written sounds like a discovery channel nature documentary - I can practically hear the calm, older man with a British accent reading the lines over stock footage of an Indian city. That works just fine for establishing a setting, as it does.
The reason, I think, I am iffy on it is that this objective factual narration slides into the causal, opinionated type of language that documentaries try to avoid. Perhaps this is the sort of information that could be better transmitted via character-building dialogue.
The second paragraph, meanwhile, feels like a starting point. It has a hook, an establishing setting, a follow-up contrast, and a set-up for the rest of the chapter's viewpoint character. Well-constructed, gets the job done, and gets in a nice metaphor. (Pst. 'a woman', not 'a women'.)
The straightforward style of language used here works well with the genre. Action scenes, as you've probably discovered, work best when they're punchy and simple. Boom, boom, boom. You've got that down for the most part, and as a result, the action reads like action. Yes!
This principle also means that the less commas (and the shorter sentences) you have, the more exciting the action becomes. Some of your sentences here go longer than would be ideal.
Right! However, overall, I find this a competently executed thriller chapter, and will be reading the next one when it comes around.
Rei out!
Coming straight from the prologue, I can say that I like the transition between the two. You go from a woman being murdered in cold blood to 'India is a beautiful place'. This feels like a top-notch thriller novel in the making.
Yes, I just called all the crimes and pickpocketing and stuff 'sub-plots'.
There’s not much that can be done about this because the population of 1 billion makes it near impossible for the Police to make any real progress.
Nitpick. Unless there is a secret organisation which goes by the name of Police, the word doesn't need to be capitalised.
The streets looked like schools of fish.
This is a really creative simile, and it emphasizes the 'underworld' setting of the novel. How everything seems normal on the surface, but if you go in deeper there's actually a lot of sub-plots happening in the city.
She had already been wondering the streets of West Bengal for a few days now, but never managed to find anything,
Wondering should be 'wandering'. Wonder is to do with thought, wander is to do with strolling.
As soon as woman walked into another alleyway
You forgot to type 'the'.
I like the way you ended it. Especially since it's the first time we really get into Alex's head. Sure, her thoughts are narrated, but this is the first time she really communicates straight to the reader. It's a nice 'welcome to the story' sort of effect. So yeah, overall this is a well-polished chapter. Keep writing it!
Hey there again!
I realised as soon as I posted this work that I capitalised 'police', it must've just been a subconscious action, fixed it though.
I'm glad you pointed out the 'wondering' part, I know it's wrong and it's a WONDER how I hadn't picked it up. Anyways that has also been fixed.
And forgetting the 'the' was simply a mistake that Word should've picked up but didn't.
I really appreciate the review, you helped me improve my work and that means a lot. I hope you continue following!
You're welcome! It would be great if you could tag me in a comment each time you post a new chapter.
I like the way you opened up the chapter and made it an informational paragraph. It was really helpful because it painted a picture for the reader and showed us how India was; portraying the kind of place the story was going to take place in. Of course, I should say that you should watch out for your spelling because organization is spelled wrong. Also watch what you capitalize, because police doesn't need to be.
After reading, the direction you decided to lead the story in is great and has a lot of possibly that could happen but right now it doesn't seem like much is happening...well I mean on a big scale. But the story is interesting and I really get the feeling that I'm actually in India.
When looking at your sentences, there doesn't seem to be much variety when it comes to certain paragraphs, which is fine but just be careful not to overuse the same sentence starters.
Overall, I really like the story and will wait to see what happens next. Good job on the story!
Hey, thanks for the review! Organisation is written in British English, strangely enough that makes a difference compared to US English. I realise now that police shouldn't be caps, I guess it was just subconcious.
As you can tell from the title this is part one of chapter one, I want my posts to be in short bursts so that my readers don't have to exert themselves just to read it. When this chapter is finished there will be a clear story that, I'm sure, will give the story a little more mystery and adventure.
As for the paragraphs: when dialogue is set in I'm sure that it'll look less stuffed.
Anyways, thanks again for the review, I hope you keep following my work! And look at the prologue if you want to see another example of the direction of the story.
Seeya!