Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Alex was stunned, she couldn’t move or think. She was trying to think about how she could’ve approached the situation better but the only thing passing through her mind was how frightened she was.
“Let her go or I’ll shoot you.” She managed to say, remembering her training.
The man didn’t acknowledge that he planned on listening to her demands. He yelled something at her in his language. She was incredibly annoyed that Indians refused to learn English as a second language, but who was she to get in the way of tradition. The man was now pointing at Alex’s bag impatiently and mumbled on about something. Realising her confusion he then gestured to the woman he was holding and then to Alex’s bag. He wanted to trade the woman for the bag. Alex didn’t like this deal; she had so many important documents and personal information in that bag. But she couldn’t let this woman die.
“Ok,” said Alex. And she threw her bag about halfway. The man looked exasperated; he didn’t like that she threw it short. But then he whispered something in the woman’s ear, she nodded nervously and they started shuffling forward together, keeping the knife at her throat. It was clear what he was planning, he was going to use the woman to make sure he gets the bag and doesn’t get shot.
What a greedy fuck.
He stopped when he was near the bag. He then nodded at Alex’s gun, she lowered it. Alex was on edge, she was looking for any indication that the man might cause this thing to go further than it has to, but it seemed the only thing he really wanted was the bag. So Alex watched as the woman picked up the bag for the man, obviously scared out of her wits. They slowly shuffled back to their initial position.
“Now let her go,” Said Alex, keeping her gun lowered, showing she had no intention of shooting at him from such a distance with an innocent woman in the way.
The man had a grin on his face. Alex was petrified that she might have read his intentions wrong. This was when the man put his knife away and they both turned around and ran, the woman leading the man.
What just happened? Alex stood a few seconds in confusion. They disappeared around a corner. Still confused Alex ran after them. She turned the corner and there was just an open road, she looked right and found the man and woman quite a distance away. She could still make out the grins spread across their faces as they sunk into the vast ocean of the marketplace.
Was I just scammed? Alex stared at the flow of the marketplace, feeling defeated; but also quite impressed.
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125,035 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
Four reviews before I even get to read it! Dang, Arouet, you have a following.
Clever.
fanbase...shhhh
Reading the first paragraph, it had nice emotions that really draws the reader right in and has a nice flow. But I feel that "She couldn't move or think" could be cut out because "She was trying to think" and "She couldn't move or think" means the same thing in a way.
"The man didn’t acknowledge that he planned on listening to her demands" doesn't really make any sense and I think it would be better if it was cut out. But I like how, once again, you manage to make us, the reader, feel as though we are actually in India.
Reaching the end, I was left impressed at the twist that you presented because it was unexpected and almost refreshing. So good job with the story so far.
Hi, Aly here with a review!
First off, what I liked about this. This is more about the first chapter (didn't get to review it, I might do that later), but your writing and descriptions make the setting actually feel like it's in India and at the end I could imagine the busy marketplace. I also loved that twist at the end and the scam itself. I did not see that coming!
Now, with the things that could be better. You have some problems with grammar, mostly with tenses (I know you're working on it, this is definitely better than your prologue was in terms of tenses, but the problem is still there) and punctuation (some sentences don't have commas which should be there).
Other than grammar, in "This was when the man put his knife away and they both turned around and ran, the woman holding the man’s hand," I just couldn't imagine them running while holding hands. Seems a bit awkward. They're trying to get away quickly right? Maybe to show that they teamed up to scam Alex, you could instead say, "The thief suddenly put his knife away and they both turned and ran, the woman laughing triumphantly and the man flashing Alex a malicious grin." Something like that, anyways.
About the ending sentence, "“Was I just scammed?” she thought, feeling defeated." I imagine defeated as sad, beat-down, giving up. This is only my personal preference, but I think it would fit Alex more and the way that you add humor into the story, if Alex was incredulous and angry at the end rather than defeated. Just my opinion. You know more about your characters than I do, of course.
Overall, I liked this a lot. I liked the setting, the scam, and Alex as a character. Looking forward to the next chapter.
-AlyTheBookworm
Hey Aly! Thanks for the review.
I appreciate your points about how I display Alex in the end, I'll think about changing it. As for the woman holding the man's hand, I see that it's a little impractical. I'm gonna have to be a little creative about that one.
And of course I try to keep correct grammar and punctuation. And my tenses are slowly improving (training my brain to notice them).
Thanks for pointing those things out.
I hope you continue following!
Seeya.
Heya, Arouet!
I'm Casanova, and I'll be your reviewer this evening.
I'll start this off simple- I'm going to list the good(if any) then the bad(if any) if that sounds okay to you.
Anyway- to the points!
To the good! The grammar is well versed. You obviously know the difference between bad grammar and good grammar, so props for that I guess.
You have a well thought out idea and it's well put. Your imagery is really good, and I feel as if you've got written down exactly what you've wanted to write down.
The one bad thing I have to say- it kind of falls flat towards the end. It starts off strong but in the end it kind of just goes down. Kind of like you had been on it a long time and just wanted to get it done/gotten bored towards the end. But that could be my sleep deprived brain putting too much into it.
In any case- Here's the lines I liked the most,"“What a greedy fuck,” thought Alex."
I'm sorry but I read these lines and I almost bursted out laughing. Really funny, really random.
The only other thing I have is this- don't use the quotation marks for speaking and thoughts. Differentiate. Use italics or bold for the thoughts- sometimes using the quotations for both can really confuse people and they have to read it a couple times. I struggle with this myself.
Anyway- I hope to see more from you.
Keep on keeping on.
Sincerely- Matthew Casanova Aaron.
Hey Cas! Thanks for the review.
I appreciate the good things you said about my post, it means a lot.
The point you made about this post where it all rushed to a finish was probably because the previous post was where I built it up. You see these aren't chapters they are parts of the same chapter that I am posting separately. So I'm sure if you read the previous part then it'll all come together smoothly.
I really had my doubts about using quotations for thoughts, but no one until now had a problem with it. I think it would help improve the fluidity of the writing. So thanks for that.
Anyways, thanks again. I hope you continue reading!
Seeya.
Imma go back and read the other after I review.. I really wanna.
Thanks for tagging me, Arouet!
This was a surprising turn of events, I didn't think that anything like that was going to happen. Though overall this part was written well, I would add as a general comment that you might want to read through again and check your tenses. They seem a little muddled in some places. But again, I enjoyed reading this and I hope you don't stop writing the story anytime soon.
“Let her go or I’ll shoot you.” She managed to say.
In my mind, Alex slightly stammered as she said this. She spoke with authority, but a little quieter than normal and with a heck of a lot of nervousness in her voice. There's nothing wrong with my interpretation (it doesn't change the story) but it might not be your interpretation. I'd love it if you could add some more description about the way she said that tremendously important sentence.
The man looked exasperated, he didn’t like that she didn’t throw it all the way.
Didn't is used twice here and it's a little repetitive. Perhaps try rewording.
She turned around the corner that they had and there was just an open road.
You don't need to say that it's the same corner. It's pretty self explanatory and the extra information just draws out the sentence unnecessarily.
“Was I just scammed?” she thought, feeling defeated.
I would feel defeated too.
Hey Drac! Thanks for reviewing again.
About your first point, I want to write Alex as a hardened yet inexperienced character. I did change the text though, you were right when you said it needed something more.
I also changed the repetitive 'didn't' that you mentioned.
I guess I can see how the over explanation of the corner was can be disruptive, I changed that too.
My biggest problem in writing are my tenses, I don't suppose you can point out a few so that I can catch on to them quicker?
Really appreciate the reviews, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.
Seeya.
Things like this: It was clear what his intentions were, he was going to use the woman to make sure he gets the bag and doesn%u2019t get shot.
Tenses corrected to 'past' tense, it would sound like this: It was clear what his intentions were, he was going to use the woman to make sure he got the bag and didn't get shot.
@Dracula @LoyalDay @AlyTheBookworm @reikann @Eternity