Published March 1, 2009
Right, this is my first story, not really a story, but i would love to hear feedback, good or bad. And also, I'm not sure whether to write more or just leave it at that. Thank you for reading(:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pebbles sizzled under the angry sun and threatened to burn those who dared tread on them without wearing any protective footwear. There is something different about the sea today, it seems furious at those who are here. The waves are attacking the beach and forcefully dragging pebbles back, like a bear dragging its prey back into its cave.
The heat seems to have an effect on people, it makes the old slow and weak and it gives the young energy and excitement. The beach itself is swarming with youth, laughing, socialising, and drinking. They are all crammed in close to each other, sharing their towels and their food without hesitation. But there is an exception.
A circle of free space surrounds her, about five meters each way. Her fellow age group does not embrace her into their activities as they do others, instead, they shun her, as if she’s a bad memory they do not want to remember or think of.
Unlike most who are shunned, she embraces the loneliness, in fact, and it seems as if she is the one who decided it to be this way. She simply lies there on her sapphire blue towel, ignoring the others as they ignore her. You do not see her eyes as they are concealed behind large ray bans, all you can see is the slight smile on her lips. In one hand she holds her violet iPod; she nods along to the music, slowly.
Something breaks her trance. She sits up slowly and takes her sunglasses off, pulling her earphones out at the same time. She rises quickly and looks straight out into the ocean with deep concentration on her face; the slight smile is no longer there. And before anyone close by to her can realize what it is she’s doing she breaks into a quick run, towards the ocean, her things are left on her towel, waiting for her return. People soon start to understand what’s happening, pairs of eyes follow her as she runs toward the ocean, some mutter questions while others stand to get a better view. She reaches the water and immediately breaks into an agile breast stroke. It takes her only two minutes to reach the depths of the water. Her head disappears as she dives into the water. 15 seconds pass. People really start to wake up now, some suggest a suicide, hers. But 5 seconds later, this theory is dismissed immediately as she rises with another body in her arms. And that’s when the youths start to panic, phones are rushed out and a few boys start to run to the water to help her. But by the time they get to the water’s edge she’s already halfway to the shore and the hard part of her task is over. She swims quickly back to shore, half dragging the boy she has saved. The two boys who had started swimming to her aid are now helping her with the boy; they each take an arm and fling it round their necks, carrying him to a towel. The boy coughs and looks up at her.
“How, how did you know I was out there?”
Everyone turns their attention back to her. Instead of answering him she starts walking to her belongings and packs them up, quickly putting a loose summer dress over her bikini and her sunglasses back on. Flinging her bag over one shoulder she starts to walk away, with a slight smile playing at her lips.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,455 Literary Works • 674,469 Reviews
Welcome to YMS
I really liked this story, i don't know if you
were going to carry on with it? But i think
you should as i found it gripping and mada me want to read more!
Cheers
Borntoshop
Hiya and welcome!
Overall comments:
Person: What person is this? Most of the lines are third person, but this line:
Is in second person. It wouldn't be so bad if you used second person again, but this seems to be simply about "her" and not "you." So, if it's about Her, then re-work these lines so that they're in third. ^_^
Ending: I find the ending is incomplete, really. You don't have room for much else, but it would be nice to find out why the boy is in the water in the first place. And how she knew he was there. This would make a great cliff-hanger for a continuing story, but right now there are a lot of questions about this at the end. I do like it the way it is. I simply wish you would continue!
*Gold star* Nice work!
If you have any questions about this, PM me.
~Rosey
Hey =]
Welcome to YWS!
I really liked this. The concept is original and that in a sense made it more enjoyable to read.
Most of the nit-piking has been done and I couldn't find anything extra to add.
Overall it's a short piece, but it seems to be the right length for the story. The only thing I would do is add in a bit more emotion, but apart from that it's fine.
Great job!
xDudettex
Welcome to YWS Armagan!
Just as a first thing I noticed. Try to break this up into some more paragraphs. Just one big long paragraph is very tiring on the eyes. I'll try to show some places where this would be good.
I'm thinking that this could be in italics and it's own paragraph to kind of set things up.
Hmm...interesting ending.
I liked the story over all, it was pretty well written and had a good plot. I think it would be best to leave it as is though, without a continuation. The reader can make up their own ideas as to how she knew and what not.
Nice job.
If you have any questions or need anything feel free to PM me!
-Carly
Hey Armagan, welcome
Firstly I like the fact that she (a 'reject') saved the boy's life, it's a good story line. Although I do think that you write in telegram style (well almost). Its all short and without a lot of emotion, which isn't wrong but it sounded more like a scene in a text.
Is quick and to the point, maybe if you want to write a STORY work on that. Otherwise, I think you will write good texts
Hi Armagan,
Welcome to the Young Writers Society. Just to inform you that we do have a rule that before we post a piece of our own, we review two other pieces. This helps ensure that everyone gets a review.
Secondly, it is remarkably difficult to read a story like this, as it is one big chunk, rather than small paragraphs. I would suggest that you go through your story and paragraph it, as it will make it easier to read for us reviewers. I would also suggest capitalizing the title as a story looks much more appealing to read with appropriate grammar.
Now, Let's get to the review:
Remember, this is your first sentence, you want to make this into an exciting sentence that is grammatically correct. Your opening doesn't quite draw me in. In fact I would do away with the entire sentence, and save yourself the cliche as well as the trouble of coming up with a more appropriate first sentence.
I don't know if you realize it, but this change in tense, from sizzled, in the past tense, to the next sentence in the present tense. I would suggest correcting this.
It has an effect on people, and therefore affects people.
I would suggest killing off one of the redundant words, laughing, or joking, and replacing it with something more fitting.
I don't really think enthusiastically is the right adjective to use here.
But there is an exception, might read better.
You've just told us this, do you need to tell us again?
Does not read nicely.
Join the two sentences, they are really one.
I don't think the word "retro" really works with your tone.
I'm not sure how this relates to your story. We don't really see how her shame of her lower body compliments her upper body, and why.
As she runs toward the ocean.
"She reaches the water and immediately breaks into an agile breast stroke."
Perhaps, "It takes her only two minutes to reach the depths of the water.
Dialogue begins on a new line.
Perhaps, "Everyone turns their attention back to her.
Stop the sentence here.
Perhaps, "with a slight smile playing at her lips.[/quote]
I hope the review helped!
Have a good one!