z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Alyssa Stewart and the Mystery of the Scarlet Orb: Chapter Two: Bruise in One's Mind

by Aritra


Allysa's childhood days had passed at the Stewert Manor at Bristol. She and her mother, alone, were the only dwellers of the manor, save for the butler, Uncle Castle. 

As because, Dr. Stewert remained busy carrying out expeditions, nearly all through the year. When he found leisure, he spent time reading, writing and researching about numerous unsolved mysteries across the world. 

He afforded very less time for his family. Henrieto greatest pleasure of all was to spend his leisure time with Allysa, her only daughter. 

Henrieto used to bring back ancient relics from the places he explored. Consequently, he developed a marvel of vast collection of ancient artifacts in his manor. 

He used to share the stories of his adventures, either a success or a failure with Allysa. 

As Allysa grew up, she began reading her father's writings about his adventures. Knowing more about Henrieto's expeditions and discoveries, she grew more and more interested in archaeology overtime. 

Allysa started dreaming of being an archaeologist like her father, Henrieto. Her dream was to " WALK IN HER FATHER'S SHOES." 

All was well and fine, until three years before Allysa gets afmitted to the University of Elderwoods. Now things started changing. Henrieto was gradually becoming more and more insane. He started becoming isolated from his family, even from his beloved daughter. He spent hours after hours in his study. Sometimes, he even insisted on having meal there. He gradually built up a long streak of spending sleep less nights. 

Allysa often found her father putting his head down on his study table, or leaning back against his armchair, closing his eyes. 

Allysa could feel her father's stress, that was slowly killing him mentally. 

Allysa believed that some kind of thought or some incident, is torturing his father from within. Torturing---- it was no less than torture, surpassing all sorts of non-lethal physical pains. 

Henrieto was slowly being killed internally by something, something Allysa never thought of, something that might not be earthly. Her father was gradually being killed. She had got nothing to do. 

Time passed, Henrieto's pains went on increasing. Allysa's belief became more firm, that Henrieto was being mentally killed by something supernatural, something unearthly. 

Henrieto began planning for what he started calling his Last Voyage. His rendezvous was the Tomb of Yamatsu situated in an island near the Japanese mainland. Before the voyage, strange things started to happen. 

********* 

It was a nice, sunny morning. Sun was shining warmly over the Bristol suburb. Henrieto had been a little stress free recently. He was having a cup of tea, seating on an armchair on the third floor balcony of his manor. 

Allysa stood by her father. She kept her palm on her father's shoulder. 

"When will you return from your next voyage, dad?" 

Henrieto avoided replying directly. Instead he answered, "This is my Last Voyage. " He faced the ground, and said, "I may not ever return." 

Henrieto then leaned towards his cup for having tea. He had one sip and again leaned back against the armchair. No sooner he leant, than the cup shattered into pieces. The tea spilt over the table and even on his trousers. 

Henrieto took one second before he realised what happened. He instantly stood up, grasped Allysa's arm and shouted, "Get inside." 

Henrieto almost dragged Allysa into the house and shut the balcony door. 

All these happened, before Allysa could understand anything. She took her time, but finally figured out what happened. 

The sniper must have misfired the bullet, when leant his head back against the armchair! 

********* 

A day after this incident took place, Henrieto began making arrangements for his self-protection. 

Henrieto hooked a large-sized mirror against the wall in his bedroom, which lied opposite to the balcony. 

Henrieto used to sleep on the third-floor, alone. He kept a loaded shotgun by his side for his security. 

One such night, 

Allysa was waken up at the dead of the night, by a loud roar of gunfire. She found that her mom was awake too. 

"Dad!" she exclaimed anxiously. She darted upstairs and knocked the locked door of Henrieto's bedroom. 

"Dad, dad, are you all right?" 

Answer came," Yeah, I am fine. I am just fine." 

Henrieto opened the door. He had the shotgun in his hand.

His wife Nancy followed Allysa upstairs. "What's happening?" she asked in a trembling voice. 

"It's all right. Nothing to worry about." Henrieto gave an assuring reply, " I was practising shooting." 

"At the dead of the night!" Allysa was bewildered. 

Allysa looked straight into her father's eyes, "You are lying, aren't you? Someone attacked you, no?" 

Henrieto stood silently. The silence clarified his reply! 

********* 

Henrieto's youth friend and partisan, Dr. Norman Butler came to see him, some days later. Butler had assisted Henrieto in many of his previous expeditions. 

Butler and Henrieto were discussing about their upcoming expedition, the one which Henrieo used to call His Last Voyage. 

Allysa stood silently outside Henrieto's study, with the motive of eavesdropping on the conversation between Butler and his father. 

"This is our last chance, Norman. If we fail, it's all over. And, if by luck, we succeed, then also, it will all be over." 

It was Henrieto's voice, it was graver than ever. Allysa took her years closer to the door. 

"We'll succeed, Henrieto, won't we?" 

Henrieto did not reply. 

Time passed like a river in its upper course. 

Soon, Allysa and Nancy Stewert were alone in the manor. There was no other man, except Uncle Castle. 

And, Henrieo was engaged exploring the Tomb of Yamatsu. They were miles apart. 

One day, the news reached them. Henrieto had been missing, in the midst of the expedition. 

Rescue operatives scoured the island. They did not find him, nor they found his cold, lifeless body.They only found a cube, plated with bronze, bearing a symbol----- a crescent in a polygon. They concluded that it belonged to Henrieto. Norman Butler was also never found. 

The operatives gave up after a month or two. 

Soon after, Henrieto Stewert was declared as dead, unofficially. 

******* 

When Allysa woke up, she found herself palpitating. Her face was covered with perspiration. She sat up on the bed, trying to figure out what she saw in her dream. 

This was the nightmare, that repeated itself in Allysa's dream over and over after her father died. 

It was like a bruise in her mind. A nasty bruise that perceived over a long time following Henrieto's death. 

A purplish flash of light, illuminated the dormitory, followed by a rumble of thunder. Allysa saw her father putting his head down upon the table, spending days in the study, the attempts to kill him and most pathetic of all--- Henrieto's word----"My Last Voyage". 

The nightmare had ceased to repeat itself with time. It had returned, with the return of archaeology in Allysa's life. 

Thunderstorms continued. The resumption of archaeology had brought with it the bruise---- the nightmare.


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Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:29 am
JadeBunny wrote a review...



It's Jade again!
"She and her mother, alone, were the only dwellers of the manor, save for the butler, Uncle Castle. "
Shouldn't that be "inhabitants" instead of "dwellers"? Because "dwellers" sounds awkward. And why is the butler called uncle? Is he actually their uncle, because if he isn't, then it sounds awkward.
I notices you keep spelling "Alyssa" as "Allysa". Which one is the correct spelling?
Honestly, I feel like "The Last Voyage" would make a better title. "Bruise in One's Mind" is very awkward phrasing.
You should really work on your spelling and grammar, but the story is good. Keep up the work!




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Sat May 13, 2017 1:50 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi there! Since you asked for the review on the team wall post, I'll give it to you.

I agree with the reviewer below that these events could be fleshed out more. It's kind of the dream is rushing headlong, but still...I feel as if the dream is simply an excuse for a backstory dump and as it is a dream, perhaps the only important scenes--the most *memorable* ones--could be included and fleshed out instead. That's just my two cents, but I don't really have experience in stuff like dreams and flashbacks after all.

The time she realized that something supernatural was killing her father, the reader doesn't know *how* she came to that conclusion. Was there some kind of evil aura chasing her father? Or something like that? She felt something really unearthly nearby? I'm assuming this is an early draft so you can fill in the details later, but just as a heads-up.

The other place was also when she figured out that there was a sniper. How did she figure out? Did she later find a bullet lying on the floor? Ooh~the teacup was supposed to be an exciting scene and the teacup shattering was also exciting, but then there was a lack of tension. Not having too many details is good, but having too less makes it feel flat.

Which leads me to my next, and final point: setting. In this chapter, even if it is a dream, the characters wouldn't have the dream on white walls right? I don't think there needs to be a WHOLE bunch of detail that indefinitely slows down the dreams, but a little description can really set up the atmosphere: the bane in the peaceful area and so forth.

I think that's all I've got to say here. Feel free to message me if you have any questions and remember you can use my suggestions or not!

Image




Aritra says...


Thanks for the review. I see that you raised many questions. It is an early draft, I can flesh it out properly later.
I will now try to answer the questions you raised, firstly you asked how Alyssa realises that something supernatural was killing his father. This is very clearly depicted in the fourth chapter which I will post later on. Hence, I did not write it here.
In the case of sniper, finding the bullet was impossible, it just broke the teacup and darted away. But being an intelligent girl, Alyssa guesses it when his father fired the shotgun in the middle of the night. From there she realised that someone was trying to kill him and he was trying to defend himself.
This is what I have to say.



PrincessInk says...


Alright, I see! Hope I helped :)



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Sat May 13, 2017 11:29 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there!
I haven't read the first chapter of this, so hopefully my review will make sense to you.

As because, Dr. Stewert remained busy carrying out expeditions, nearly all through the year. When he found leisure, he spent time reading, writing and researching about numerous unsolved mysteries across the world.

Do you mean as before? Currently, this doesn't make sense.

He afforded very less time for his family. Henrieto's greatest pleasure of all was to spend his leisure time with Allysa, herhis only daughter.

I presume this is her father? It doesn't seem as though he wants to spend time with her if he prefers reading and writing and researching.

All was well and fine, until three years before Allysa gets was afdmitted to the University of Elderwoods.

Watch your tenses!

Henrieto was slowly being killed internally by something, something Allysa never thought of, something that might not be earthly. Her father was gradually being killed. She had got nothing to do.

Time passed, Henrieto's pains went on increasing. Allysa's belief became more firm, that Henrieto was being mentally killed by something supernatural, something unearthly.

There is no indication as to how she came to this conclusion? He might have just become obsessive or old or ill, what leads her to this conclusion?


I like this overall, I think you're just a little too orientated with pushing the story along that you miss out on places where you could go into more detail.
Definitely an intriguing story so far!

Icy




Aritra says...


Thanks for the review.

Actually, though Alyssa's father is busy., he get some time to spend with her daughter. I will clarify in the fourth chapter how Alyssa realised that something supernatural was killing his father.

Thanks, please feel free to drop by and read the next chapters.




“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing