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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Alyssa Stewart and the Mystery of the Scarlet Orb: Chapter One:Doorway to Dreams

by Aritra


  Chapter  One:Doorway to Dreams

Elderwoods was a beautiful countryside, with landscapes immersed in evocative beauty of nature. With snow covered slopping mountains on the north and west, grassy pastures all over and drained by a small brook, Portsaw, the countryside of Elderwoods stood as a sanctuary of marvellous scenario. 

The place is situated inland of Central Britain, surrounded by the forests of Elderwoods which lie at the foothills of the north-western mountains. 

Feudal administration prevailed here till the mid-nineteenth century. The countryside of Elderwoods was under the landlordship of the Duke of Elderwoods. The Duke and the Dutchess both were assassinated on their way to London, for a holiday trip in June, 1856. 

The Elderwoods fort was remodled and the squeky, old castle was turned to a University. The University was founded in 1860. 

The University of Elderwoods boasted of its eternal legacy of the excellence of its notable alumnis, decades after decades, especially in the stream of archaelogy and exploration. 

The day was 3rd of January. Chilly gusts of winds, of the Northerlies, flirted by, over British lands on the lap of winter. The perihelion sun sank beneath the lustrous snowy patches of the mountains, west of Elderwoods. 

The forestlands to the outskirts of Elderwoods were clad in lunar luminence on winter's full moon. A convoy of hooded wagons meandered through the winding trails of Elderwoods forest. 

The convoy brought new students of first years to the University. 

The Annual Winter Holidays of the university were over. It was the day of re-opening of the University. 

The convoy approached the gates of the university. The giant wooden gates of the castle opened flapping over the canal circling the castle. The convoy entered the University campus. 

********* 

A stout man with an interestingly curved moustache stood at one corner of the first floor platform. The man was assigned with the duty of enrouting the first years to the assembly hall. 

"First years to the left, then the third door on your right." 

"This place is a labyrinth.", someone muttered. 

The Assembly Hall had been gorgiously decorated for the Annual Welcome Ceremony. The hall was gradually being filled with students, who began to arrange themselves in ques. 

At one end of the hall, an elevated platform had been made for the ceremony. On one side of that platform, a table has been placed for the Professors of the University.

Mild sounds of conversations and gossips inside the hall faded away, as a tall, sharp-nosed lady came to the front of the platform. 

She cleared her throat and greeted,"Good Evening, students." 

The new students greeted back in a chorous,"Good Evening,ma'm." 

The lady began her speech," Students, I welcome you to the University of Elderwoods. I am Prof. Skyrie and I teach the art of keeping away the effects of curses and boons by inflicted various powerful artifacts." 

A violent rumble of thunder zapped everyone in the hall. 

"There's storms tonight", softly declare the professor. She gazed at the hazy windows through her cubical glasses for once, then at once peered back at the assembly line. 

"Now let's register the names of the students present tonight, shall we?" 

"Starck, Jefferina" 

A girl from the third row raised her hand,"Present" 

The registration continued. A few more dozens names had been called before Prof. Skyrie cried,"Stewert, Allysa". 

A brown haired girl from the back of the fifth row raised her hand saying,"Present, ma'm." 

Skyrie called the name of a Russian girl next, Ellina Vorshevky, who stood at the second row. 

The registry ended with the call,"Brown, Samuel" 

Samuel was standing at the far end of the third row. He was blonde-haired, he raised his right arm replying,"Yes,ma'm" 

Skyrie shifted a few steps back and said,"I would now request the respected Headmaster of the University, Sir Allistaire Marseille to step forward and say a word or two."

A partially bald person, clad in a dark black robe, stood up from the Professor's table and came to the front. 

Marseille was a hexagenarian but it is a must to mention that his extra-ordinary enthusiasm and endevours far exceeded that of an average man of his age. 

With a sweet, soft smile on his face Marseille began his short speech. 

"My dear sons and daughters", he began and a silent mirth of cheerfulness surged through the hall, " as the Headmaster of this University, I wish your admission to this University usher a bright future upon you all." 

Marseille paused for a short while. He then inhaled a deep breath and resumed," As you may be knowing Elderwoods has been turning out eminent personalities in varied aspects, from explorers to famous scientists. I personally prefer to look upon each and every one of you as a future prospect. And, hence I"ll always tell you: If ever in your life, you are lost in the dark, light up the fire, the fire within you. This fire will show you the path to light and bring you out from the pits of darkness." 

Cold, frosty fire! Like camphor flames--it brings light, though not burning one to ashes. 

********* 

The warmth of the Welcoming Ceremony would have faded away without the sumptuous dinner at the Banquet Hall, which followed. 

The large, round wall clock at the hall entrance struck nine. The man with that interestingly curved moustache appeared at the hall. "All the students of archaeology stream please come forward." 

Sounds of confusion and curiosity echoed in the hall. "Archaelogy stream students, come forward.", repeated the man. 

Half of the students present in the hall slowly gathered round the man with the interesting moustache. 

"Follow me, everyone. 

The gathering slowly followed the man up the stairs on the left. 

"Stay close, or might get lost in this castle.", the man said in a warning voice. 

On the third floor, the man pushed open a large hall door. Another spiral stair case in this hall led to the upper floors. 

A middle-aged man, clad in a silver robe and a hood stood at the foot of the staircases. By him was a watch dog, ferocious as well as wild. 

The moustached man went forward and asked,"Mr. Wesley, please show the students to their quarters on the fifth floor." 

"Oh sure, Prof. Stony.", replied the man as he removed his hood. 

Stony shifted his attention towards the students and said,"This man is Mr. Wesley, the nightsecurity cum caretaker of this castle. Follow him to your common room on the fifth floor." 

"Everyone after me." Wesley instructed. Then he shifted his attention towards the Professor and greeted,"Good night, professor." 

"Good night to you as well, Mr. Wesley." Stony greeted back with a soft smile. 

Wesley guided the students up the spiral staircase onto the fifth floor. Reaching the fifth floor he addressed," This is the common room for the archaelology students. " he said, as he pointed towards a closed hall door. He unlocked the door, switched on the light and then let the students in. 

The room was moderately decorated. The walls painted light blue." To the left is the girl's dormitory and boys, yours is to the right." Wesley spoke as he made some arrangements inside the room. 

Huge suitcases, backpacks and trolleys lay one over the other at one corner of the room. Students busied themselves in shifting their luggage to their respective dormitories. 

"Are we alone, tonight?" asked Jefferina. 

"Yes, you are." Wesley replied," Second, third and fourth years are coming tomorrow. And the students of fifth years are arriving the next day." 

The wild watchdog of Mr. Wesley's sat outside the common room. It barked out loud in order to draw their attention. 

"I should be away now." 

The dog barked again, staring at the new students. 

"Coming, coming, Wolly." 

"So it has got a name, Wolly." Jefferina commented. 

"Yes", Wesley said as he left the room," You people get your luggage and head to your respective dormitories." Mr. Wesley closed the door as he left. 

The dormitories comprised of dozens of linearly arranged beds, with a few almirahs. The beds were labeled with name tags. 

Lights were soon put off in the girl's dormitory. Allysa leaned back onto her bed and looked around. The bed to her left was assigned to Jefferina Starck. To her right was another girl named Maria White. Most of the beds remained vacant. They seemed waiting for their yet to come 'owners'. 

The thunderstorms still raged across the skies. Frequent lightning bolted now and then. Allysa soon drowned into her sleep, as she was awfully tired by the long journey of the day. 


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17 Reviews


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Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:07 am
JadeBunny wrote a review...



Hi there. JadeBunny here with a review!
One thing I noticed about this story is that there were many typos and grammatical errors. For example, you misspelled "sloping countryside" as "slopping countryside", and had some awkward word choices, such as "perihelion sun". The prose in general was kind of stilted and the introduction was quite info-dumpy, but the premise was intriguing enough to keep me reading. One thing I have to ask is if this is based on Harry Potter, due to both being set at a magic school. Flaws aside, I definitely want to read the second chapter of this story.




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Sat May 13, 2017 9:26 pm
papillote wrote a review...



Hi, Aritra. First things first : this first chapter was too long. You need to cut it into smaller sections if you want to attract more reviewers.
This first chapter made me think of an Harry Potter fanfiction. Am I getting fanciful in my old age or were you perhaps 'inspired' ?
The one big difference with Harry Potter's arrival in school was that first part where you describe Elderwoods. While I loved it in principle, I think you might have made a few grammatical mistakes and several sentences sounded just weird. I'm not going to point them out all through what you write but you should proofread everything again.
The first paragraph was somehow off, especially the use of the word 'scenario'. Maybe you are trying too hard. It's not all bad, though, you taught me a few words, especially « perihelion » which is just lovely, thank you.
The second paragraph was better, clearer but why did you go from past to present tense ?
The next two paragraphs should be re-written too into something more like :
« Feudal administration prevailed there till the mid-nineteenth century. The countryside of Elderwoods was under the landlordship of the Duke of Elderwoods but the Duke and the Dutchess both were assassinated on their way to London in June, 1856. Elderwoods Fort was then remodled.
In 1860, the [squeky?] old castle became a university. »
I think it's the logical connection you meant to make but it wasn't clear.
« Especially in the fields of archaelogy and exploration. » looks better to me.
Then, there is the Harry Potter part. When I read « If ever in your life, you are lost in the dark, light up the fire, the fire within you. This fire will show you the path to light and bring you out from the pits of darkness. » And I was, like, Go, Dumbledore !!
I'm joking about it now but I'm not trying to be critical. I had my own 'HP' period and I remember writing a lot about dark-haired wizards and first days in school. It was right around that time that I read one of Rowling's interview where she explained that it was natural in the beginning to copy the authors we admire. It's instinctive. You should keep writing what you want to write, never mind that it's eerily reminiscent of famous novels. That's how you develop your own style.
Keep writing, Aritra. I will read your next two chapters when I have a moment. Good luck.




Aritra says...


I absolutely agree with you. Being a great fan of HP, some of its influence unconsciously poured onto my writing. Though the plots are absolutely different. I tried to free myself of that influence as I proceeded to the next chapters- I think to some extent I was successful.

Thank you, please feel free to drop by and read the next chapters.



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Fri May 12, 2017 4:52 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
WELCOME TO YWS!!!!!!!!
Well a mystery involving magic does sound quite compelling however while reading this I was experiencing 'CHARACTER SOUP" you intro'd so many characters before establishing who the MC was I was very confused. But other than that I found nothing wrong with it. You may have introduced several characters at one but they were good characters. I could tell maybe Harry Potter influenced this story a little bit, Mr Weasly seems a lot like Mr. Filtch and Prof. Skyie seems like Prof. McGonagall. I like that's awesome but make sure it doesn't go to far to the point people think you are copying J.K Rowling. I think this was a wonderful first chapter other than I had a bit of trouble with the characters. I hope to see more chapters soon!

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Fri May 12, 2017 2:22 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello Aritra and welcome to YWS. I'll be leaving a review here. Well, a mystery sounds *really* cool, especially one involving magic!

I made the mistake of reading BlueAfrica's review before I started mine and I find that I completely agree with her.Even if I know that the MC is Allysa, I find that in this chapter this is not really in her POV. The events, you might say, are seen from Allysa's eyes but still, I don't see how she interacts with the setting other than the last few paragraphs. BlueAfrica's suggestion about not dropping too many names will kill two birds with stone: one, establish Allysa as the MC; two, prevent the reader from getting mixed up in all the names. Having too many characters introduced as once is a syndrome called "character soup".

I also think that quite a few sentences are passive. For example,

The forestlands to the outskirts of Elderwoods were clad in lunar luminence on winter's full moon.


This can be turned active like (I changed "lunar luminence" because I feel as if this is redundant when we know that's the effect of the moon)

The winter's full moon clad the forestlands to the outskirts of Elderwoods in a chilly glow


Now, not *every* sentence HAS to be active; for example, if you don't to say who/what did it or you don't know, but it generally strengthens the narrative if the sentences mainly consist of active sentences--but remember that some can be passive.

Perhaps this is only me, but this strongly reminds me of Hogwarts in Harry Potter. There's a caretaker and his pet--Argus Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris. The welcoming speech and a professor calling out students' names does remind me of the 1st-years ceremony in Hogwarts a lot. I have nothing against to share some similarities but I would like to know what makes the setting truly different. Perhaps it will be different in the next few chapters, but remember that this chapter is important because it's kind of "first impressions" for the reader.

I think that's all I've got to say on this one. Message me if you have any questions about this review or YWS, and feel free to use my suggestions or not! I hope it helped!


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Fri May 12, 2017 1:09 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Here as requested!

Before I read any further: HOLY MOTHER OF THESAURUS OVERLOAD, BATMAN.

Look, I love the English language. I love words that are just a little out of the ordinary - words people keep telling me to stop using, because "no one will know what you mean." I mean, I learned most of these words by reading. I wrote a whole narrative on how tired I was of people telling me to "stop using big words."

That said...

*dons English teacher hat*

I think the use of impressive words needs to be genuine. You need to understand what they mean, as well as their connotations and nuances, and you need to know how to properly use them. Otherwise they either a) don't make sense or b) end up changing the meaning of the sentence in ways you can't predict. So these, for example.

with landscapes immersed in evocative beauty of nature.


the countryside of Elderwoods stood as a sanctuary of marvellous scenario.


The perihelion sun sank beneath the lustrous snowy patches of the mountains


Going through these one at a time:

1. "evocative" basically means "suggestive of." So if you insert "suggestive of" into this sentence in place of "evocative," it doesn't make much sense, right? What you could say is "landscapes immersed in beauty evocative of nature," which is the correct placement of "evocative," but it still doesn't make sense - after all, the beauty of natural landscapes isn't suggestive of nature - it is nature!

2. "sanctuary of marvellous scenario" doesn't make any sense at all, mostly because of the word "scenario." It's usually used to refer to a sequence of events, although one more obscure definition related to literature is "setting," but it doesn't really work that way here either. The landscape might be marvelous, but "sanctuary" means it has to keep something safe from either a physical threat or the ravages of time or something. Which could work, but then a "scenario" really can't be what's being protected.

3. "perihelion" is a noun referring to the closest point of a heavenly body's orbit to its star or sun, but you've used it as an adjective meaning...I'm not entirely sure what.

Now. I am all for using big words/obscure words/impressive words, but you need to know what they mean and how to use them. I almost never go searching in the thesaurus or dictionary for a word - not unless I have a word on the tip of my tongue but can't quite remember it. The words I use are readily available to me - I know them well - so I use them naturally, without going off looking for them to make my writing more poetic or whatever.

And if I'm not quite certain I'm using a word correctly, you can bet that I'll look it the heck up. More often than not, I end up not using it - because if I had to look it up, I was probably using it wrong in the first place.

ANYWAY. Moving on. I just had to go over that, because it was a consistent issue I ran into while reading.

Moving on.

I think your biggest issue at the moment is that there's no viewpoint character until almost the end of the chapter, here.

Lights were soon put off in the girl's dormitory. Allysa leaned back onto her bed and looked around.


I knew Alyssa would be the viewpoint character because of the title of the story, but I didn't have anyone to follow along with or relate to for nearly the whole chapter! It's fine to start off like you did, describing Elderwoods and the university. But! If you want to do that, I'd suggest not dropping so many names in this chapter. Let Alyssa be one of only a couple - maybe Alyssa, the headmaster, and a professor or two - so that we know she's who we'll be focusing on. That way, even if we're not precisely in her head until very late in the chapter, we'll at least know who our main character is.

Write on!
Blue

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Aritra says...


Hi, thank you very much. If you have time, can you please drop by and give some review on the second and third chapters.
Thanks,




If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec