Published March 24, 2010
This was a conversation between me and my brother. I just realized its a poem.
You have to jump without feet!
No, thats not fair.
You could jump with your hands...
Through the air? Still not fair!
Well then jump with your head!
What if I don't have a head?
Well, then, you're dead!
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You have to jump without feet!
No, thats not fair.
You could jump with your hands...
Through the air? Still not fair!
Well then jump with your head!
And if I don't have a head?
Well then, I think you're dead!
Hi Aristotle!
This was a pretty silly poem, but the rhythm felt really off. Like Hannah said, you're not limited to what you can write just because this came from a conversation with your brother. Use that conversation as a starting point, and then bend and stretch it so that you've got something you really like, because right now, it's barely passable as a poem.
PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor
Hello, Aristotle!
So, this a nice little piece. It's silly, so there's not much to review concerning the message, but I still think you could fix it up a little bit to make it solid.
This relies on fixing the meter of your poem, which is how many syllables you have in each line. There's more about the meter that can be relevant, but for now it's just based on counting.
The problem is mostly here. First, read your poem and tap out the beat of the poem. Try to read it pretty naturally, speaking quickly through words that would naturally be spoken quickly. Does the rhythm mess up for you in these last lines? For me, it's just the last two, really. The second to last line has too many syllables and the last one is too empty to go along with the other full lines.
I think the second to last line would work as 'And if I don't have a head?', while the last line might be better as 'well then, I think you're dead', or something like that. It's up to you in the end, but as you experiment more with poetry, pay attention to the rhythm!
PM me if you have any further questions. :]
-Hannah-