Published February 8, 2010
My second poem!
Dance of the Moon -by Aristotle
The moon is now full,
Illuminating Bright.
I see the shadows of the firelight.
Many things have been seen,
By my friends.
But the fire always gives a different answer in the end.
I think of the moon,
How it dances in the sky.
It dances across the night like a fly.
As it dances,
And the fire roars.
I look inside and feel myself soar.
As I dance across the sky,
I feel just like the moon.
And as I soar I cry to the sky.
I know how it feels to,
Be the moon!
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This line made me pause while I was reading your poem. A fly dancing across the night? It's not common knowledge to know that flies rarely fly at night, but still the image of one doing so isn't quite as romantic as the moon. Though I'm guessing you were trying to rhyme here, but maybe you should reword it and use fly as a verb and not a noun. Or not the animal.
I liked the poem, just that one line threw me off.
Hi again Aristotle. Well, this poem was a bit better. I especially like how you've woven them into a continuous story. First you spoke about the sunset, and now you talk about nighttime. Are you going to continue this pattern? Anyway, to the review.
This first part is alright. There was a nice hook into the poem here, but I do have two minor problems. Firstly, 'Bright' should not be capitalized. Second, I'm not too fond of the way you shaped the qualities of the moon. You wrote them as if it were a list, but missing the necessary commas, and it just looks weird. So, I would change it to this: The moon is now full, illuminating, bright. Or, if you don't want the qualities to be in list format, you can structure it something along these lines: The moon is now full. It illuminates bright. Either way works, but the way you have it now seems just sort of empty.
Um, what? This part is a bit confusing. Do you mean this to be in the literal or figurative sense. Because, if a moon was full [and illuminating brightly!] I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be any traces of sunlight left.
Comma after 'seen' is not necessary.
The rest of the poem was just okay. You had some great word choice and flow, but overall it was just confusing. I couldn't really understand what was going on the poem. Talking to the fire? Dancing like the moon? Try to make things a bit clearer. Your poem is short, and short poems can be good, but don't be afraid to add a little bit.
Another thing that bothered me was that I couldn't really see a message that I was supposed to walk away with. Oh, the moon is so pretty! Okay, so? Tell the reader why they should care. It doesn't have to be blatant, but once you know a message that you wish to convey, I'm sure you can find a way to stick it in with the subtle flow of the poem.
PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor