His Juliet

Hi, looks like you could use a review!

ARIAM [color=blue]<<< Alright so I'm not sure if this is just your name or part of the poem but it confused me. If it's part of the poem, I think perhaps drop those capitals and use a semi colon to tie it to the next line. If it's just your name uh... you don't need to do that? We know this is yours because we can see your username at the top.

He sat next to the window

I thought I'd use this line as an example of where you can improve your word choice. 'Sat' is a very weak word. It tells us little about who this person is or what they're like. You could have lurched or lurked or almost anything would give more character. Perhaps relaxed or teetered. I'm just throwing out random stuff, but this is your poem so think about what impression you want to give.

The Rhymes

I feel like this is a bit too driven by your rhymes and they're too simple and not adding anything to the poem. Where's the imagery and the visuals, where's the rushing rhythm or the firm, haunting voice? It feels like you're missing some elements of poetry here and maybe you're better off trying to write a poem that doesn't rhyme to help you learn about what else you need to do.

Overall

I haven't much to say about this poem except that I found it a little confusing and would have liked more visuals and emotions! At the moment, all we know is that it's a Romeo and Juliet style of story where Romeo ends up killing his Julliet. We don't know the reasons behind this tragedy or how he feels about it, how hard it is for him. There's so little here which makes it difficult to connect to the poem so try filling in the details and see where that takes you.

I hope this helps,

Heather xxx