Hide and Seek: The Child
I can hear voices. I feel the warmth of a hand touching me gingerly. “Are you sure?” asks a soft, quavering voice.
“It’s positive, Kayla,” says a second female voice. “I’m sorry.”
Kayla. That’s her name. My mother. We are playing a game. I am hiding here inside her, where it is warm and dark and safe. I like it here.
But who is seeking me? That’s how the game is played, isn’t it? One hides and the other seeks. But there is a catch, which makes the game even more exciting. If they catch even a tiny glimpse of me, even for an instant, we lose. But I’m not worried. No one can hurt me here.
“This is bad, Callie. This is really bad.”
We lean a little as Callie places her hand on my mother’s shoulder. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
My mother sits. I can feel her body move slightly and there is a humming below us as we turn in different directions. We stop.
“What am I going to do, Callie?” asks my mother.
“Well you don’t want it, do you?” Callie returns.
“Why would I? My God, my parents are gonna kill me when they find out. What am I supposed to do?” I can feel my mother’s panic as acutely as if it was my own and I want to comfort her. “Oh God, it’s moving! Make it stop!”
“You’ve got to get a hold of yourself, Kayla!” I can feel my mother being shaken, and I shift uncomfortably. I don’t like this rattling.
My mother sighs and I feel her run a hand through her hair. I feel almost everything she does. “You’re right. What should I do?”
“I’ll take you. I’ve got a study hall first period tomorrow that I can cut without too much trouble. Your parents will never even have to know.”
“Are you sure? They can’t find out, can they?”
“No, there’s some kind of privacy law or something. It won’t take long, and I’ll drive you home afterward. You can just tell your mom you were too sick to stay at school. How far along are you?”
My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. Three months or so.”
“Then you’re not too late. I promise this will make everything right again.”
I can feel my mother sigh again; this time she is relieved. I am glad she feels better. I shift again, just to let her know everything is all right. Her hand goes to her abdomen and I become still. I suppose she doesn’t mind Callie knowing I am here.
“Thanks Callie,” she says and I feel her stand. There is a slamming noise, then a creak, and we’re somewhere safe. We’ve been here before.
My mother sits quietly and places her hand over me once more. “Friday,” she murmurs. “Tomorrow, all of this will be over.”
Suddenly, the feeling of security is gone and replaced with one of fear. What is going to happen?
When we wake up the next morning, my mother hugs her mother—my grandmother—and travels to school. Somewhere in the distance, a bell rings and a cacophony of feet moving toward different rooms frightens me. I try to remain calm but I curl up slightly. I remember I am safe inside my mother, here in my comfortable hiding place. No one knows I’m here; we’re still winning the game.
A door clicks and the loud noise is shut out. All that is left is a few voices, speaking quietly.
“You’re late, Kayla,” Callie’s voice. “I’ll probably have to speed now. If I miss any of second period we’re both caught. Come on.”
“I’m sorry.” I feel my mother being pulled by her arm. “I had to make up an excuse for my mom. She kept asking all kinds of questions about why I needed to come early.”
As we drive along, I can tell my mother is nervous. But about what? I shift slightly, just so she’ll know I’m here. Her baby. I hear her soft intake of breath and I decide that perhaps I startled her. I resolve to be more motionless.
“We’re here,” says a Callie, and we stop.
My mother climbs out and we step inside a place we have not been there before. Immediately, I am filled with cold fear. This is not a good place. What is my mother doing? Will they find me?
We shouldn’t be here! my mind cries out. I think my mother hears me, for she grows more agitated.
“I’m ready,” she says. No! I don’t know what’s happening, but it can’t be good. Panic fills me. My mother is ruining our game.
My mother and Callie are ushered into a cold room. My trepidation grows.
“Sign here,” says a female voice. I don’t like this voice. It is empty and utterly devoid of compassion. I am afraid of it.
Don’t sign! I want to scream, but I feel my mother do so anyway.
“It won’t hurt, will it?” she asks tentatively.
“Of course not,” the woman reassures her.
“I’m right here,” Callie says, squeezing my mother’s hand.
Don’t hurt my mother, I want to say. Leave her alone!
The door we came through opens and shuts again. A male voice speaks and I learn that he is a doctor. Perhaps he will help my mother. She is so afraid. I hope she isn’t sick.
“If you’ll just lie down here, miss,” says the doctor.
I feel my mother comply. The very air in the room feels as though it is filled with pure terror.
“I’m scared,” my mother whispers.
“It’s okay,” Callie says. “You’ll be all right. This is the end of your problems.”
My mother screams and suddenly, I am wracked with pain. They found me.
I feel as though my life is being sucked away, and it is torture like I never knew existed. My mother and I are both screaming, our bodies filled with agony.
“Oh God!” my mother cries.
“Shut her up,” orders the hard female voice and I am vaguely aware of Callie’s hand being clamped over my mother’s mouth.
“Shh…” she says to my mother. “It’s almost over.”
I feel myself being pulled out of my mother. I cling desperately to her, but I’m not strong enough. If I could, I would be crying. We lost the game; they found me.
Then, abruptly, my anguish is over. There is no more pain. I am filled with warmth as I feel myself being lifted out of the machine. They are gentle hands that carry me to my new hiding place. Heavenly hands.
I can see my mother now. She’s so beautiful, but she is weeping, sobbing as though a part of her has been stolen. I want to reach out to her but I cannot. It’s too late.
I look away from my mother’s heart-wrenching form and tilt my face upward. I can see light. My suffering is over. I feel myself float upward, resting in the arms of my Protector. And now, I am home.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This was so sad!
I can't believe that the child dies. 'Kay so I do kinda have a review for you this time instead of a long list of compliments. 
I totally agree with Rei here. I would take out the words "her baby". The mood is so mysterious, and this seems a little too blunt and it's kinda out of place.
For some reason, I don't like this sentence. I feel like a baby would never say that. Maybe, "I decided to stop moving"? I know you used big words before but I just don't think it fits here. Or maybe I'm just being an idiot. Feel free to ignore this xD
Till now you italicized what the baby thinks. So, shouldn't these be italicized too?
'Kay done with the nitpicks! Excellent job on this! Loved it, as usual. You write really good shorts, you should write them more often.
fluteluvr77<3
I can't add a lot to what others have said.
Hide and Seek: The Child <<there's been some debate about the title...I suppose "I could hear voices" could refer to the baby's awareness of it's surroundings, that it can hear people and wonder what's going on. I don't have any suggestions, except to take off "The Child". Then it's not so obvious at the beginning. You don't need to have that, because it's clear that it's a baby in utero.
I can hear voices. I feel the warmth of a hand touching me gingerly. “Are you sure?” asks a soft, quavering voice.
“It’s positive, Kayla,” says a second female voice. “I’m sorry.”
Kayla. That’s her name. My mother. We are playing a game. I am hiding here inside her, where it is warm and dark and safe. I like it here. <<Ooh...I like it. Reason why you don't need "the Child" in the title: my mother...I'm hiding inside her That makes it pretty clear.
But who is seeking me? That’s how the game is played, isn’t it? One hides and the other seeks. But there is a catch, which makes the game even more exciting. If they catch even a tiny glimpse of me, even for an instant, we lose. But I’m not worried. No one can hurt me here. <<If she knows about the risk, why isn't she worried at all?
“This is bad, Callie. This is really bad.”
We lean a little as Callie places her hand on my mother’s shoulder. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
My mother sits. I can feel her body move slightly and there is a humming below us as we turn in different directions. We stop. <<I only just realized that they are in a car. It seems a little abrupt here. Could you maybe round it out a little?
When we wake up the next morning, my mother hugs her mother—my grandmother—and travels to school. Somewhere in the distance, a bell rings and a cacophony of feet moving toward different rooms frightens me. <<how does she know they're going to different rooms? Just say cacophony of feet, maybe, or describe more of the disorder I try to remain calm but I curl up slightly. I remember I am safe inside my mother, here in my comfortable hiding place. No one knows I’m here; we’re still winning the game. <<that makes me think already that she'll die
The whole abortion scene...is not realistic. Maybe that doesn't matter to you. You can decide. But I would think the mom wouldn't be awake for it, even though it makes it more dramatic. A friend of mine who read it said it's confusing because of it...she knew it was an abortion, but it seemed more like she was giving birth. So you could make it clearer.
When I first read it, I thought it was amazing and original. Seeing this through the ears of a -3 month old baby is the masterstroke.
Good luck on getting it published!
~Jacquie~
Cool, good story... nice angle on abortion, unique. Awesomely Fantastico, give it an A.
It got a tad bit confusing at the end for the not-so-sharp reader though.
Well... do you have a copy of the old version you can put here so I can compare them? Then I can show you why I liked the old version better and what I liked about it.
I also liked the old title too. It doesn't make sense until you read it, but then it makes perfect sense. This title - nay, the whole "hide-and-seek" idea that is repeated through the story seems too overdramatic.
I like the title 'I Can Hear Voices'. It could be a bit misleading, though, it sort of hints at skitzofrania(sp).
'Hide and Go Seek: The Child' seems a little overdramatic, like a video game title (AtackForce: Alpha Version) Lol I just made that up.
Yep, this version is slightly different. I was having issues with the title because I only made it "I Can Hear Voices" because writing.com insisted upon it having a title (silly people
) and I didn't know what else to make it.
If you have any suggestions for titles, than I'm all for hearing. Do you think you could expand on how I give the surprise away? I'm not sure if I subconciously changed some of the beginning to make it more clear or not. If I did, it was because one of the most common pieces of feedback I got was that people had to read the first bit several times because it was confusing.
Suggestions for killing angst/pointing out specificly angsty parts are always appreciated.
I like the first version better. It has more of a surprise element to it that makes it more tragically beautiful because of the innocence involved. This version seems a bit overdone. You give away the surprise straight at the beginning and use the title "Hide and Seek" as a crutch. But you don't need to use the crutch because it stood alone anyway. This version seems angsty... I like the other version better.
You did edit the beginning, did you not?
Hey Areida; I read this a while back and thought I had critiqued, but apparently not. Hmm. Note to self: Must upgrade memory.
But, seriously now folks, I think Sam pretty much covered everything. This story is amazing; the hide-and-seek analogy, the perspective....incredibly well written. I adore the dialogue. You make me so jealous (I cant write dialogue worth beans). A lot of people are fussing over how the baby could feel this or that or know whatever; I say that while some points do need to be touched up, fact is, baby probably couldnt understand any of these sensations anyway, so these people need to loosen up a bit, hehe. I'm not so good at critiquing long stories coz I have the attention span of, like, a mouse...what was I saying? Oh yes. But I'm going to make a special effort here and critique in WORD before I post so that I have space (and a larger font size…going blind…).
So, here goes:
Hide and Seek: The Child << Not sure about this title. Gives too much away? But that’s up to you.
I can hear voices. I feel the warmth of a hand touching me gingerly. “Are you sure?” asks a soft, quavering voice. << I think the dialogue should be on a new line.
…
My mother sits. I can feel her body move slightly and there is a humming below us as we turn in different directions. We stop. << I think this is a little abrupt here. Needs to be softened a bit and dragged out slightly perhaps.
“What am I going to do, Callie?” asks my mother.
“Well you don’t want it, do you?” Callie returns.
“Why would I? My God, my parents are gonna kill me when they find out. What am I supposed to do?” I can feel my mother’s panic as acutely as if it was my own and I want to comfort her. “Oh God, it’s moving! Make it stop!” << Fork in the heart? Try several bullets and an apple-parer for good measure. Brilliant, just brilliant.
“You’ve got to get a hold of yourself, Kayla!” I can feel my mother being shaken, and I shift uncomfortably. I don’t like this rattling.
My mother sighs and I feel her run a hand through her hair. I feel almost everything she does. “You’re right. What should I do?”
^^^ Think you should separate the dialogue here.
My mother shrugs. “I don’t know. Three months or so.” << and here
“Then you’re not too late. I promise this will make everything right again.”
I can feel my mother sigh again; this time she is relieved. I am glad she feels better. I shift again, just to let her know everything is all right. Her hand goes to her abdomen and I become still. I suppose she doesn’t mind Callie knowing I am here. << This bit confuses me. Why does the baby become still if s/he knows the mother doesn’t mind Callie knowing s/he is there?
...
My mother sits quietly and places her hand over me once more. “Friday,” she murmurs. “Tomorrow, all of this will be over.” << separate dialogue! (sorry, but my teachers always used to crack down on me about dialogue, so...hahahaha...now I get to do it to you :p)
...
The door we came through opens and shuts again. A male voice speaks and I learn that he is a doctor. Perhaps he will help my mother. She is so afraid. I hope she isn’t sick.
“If you’ll just lie down here, miss,” says the doctor.
I feel my mother comply. The very air in the room feels as though it is filled with pure terror.
“I’m scared,” my mother whispers.
“It’s okay,” Callie says. “You’ll be all right. This is the end of your problems.”
My mother screams and suddenly, I am wracked with pain. They found me.
I feel as though my life is being sucked away, and it is torture like I never knew existed. My mother and I are both screaming, our bodies filled with agony.
“Oh God!” my mother cries.
“Shut her up,” orders the hard female voice and I am vaguely aware of Callie’s hand being clamped over my mother’s mouth.
“Shh…” she says to my mother. “It’s almost over.”
I feel myself being pulled out of my mother. I cling desperately to her, but I’m not strong enough. If I could, I would be crying. We lost the game; they found me.
^^^ why is she awake???
Then, abruptly, my anguish is over. There is no more pain. I am filled with warmth as I feel myself being lifted out of the machine. They are gentle hands that carry me to my new hiding place. Heavenly hands.
I can see my mother now. She’s so beautiful, but she is weeping, sobbing as though a part of her has been stolen. I want to reach out to her but I cannot. It’s too late.
I look away from my mother’s heart-wrenching form and tilt my face upward. I can see light. My suffering is over. I feel myself float upward, resting in the arms of my Protector. And now, I am home.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13
^^^ Love the Psalm. Beautiful. The ending is slightly cliché, but it only rankles me because, well, not being particularly religious...anyway. It’s brilliantly written and the Psalm is a PERFECT ending.
Overall, an absolutely beautiful piece, very well written and emotional. I really loved it and I dont think you'll have any problems getting it published. Let me know how it goes!
~bubblez
Sam pretty much covered it all.
I thought this was really good. Even though i'm a guy and i'll never experience anything like this, it still has an impact. It even has sort of a dramatic, hurt feel to it (in my opinion).
Maybe something along the lines of : "See? THIS is what your doing when you involve yourself in abortion!"
Generally, it's like a wake up call to reality, it shows the reader that "Everything's going to be fine" isn't true.
Let me know if you get it published, though.
Very nice job, m'lady Areida. Good luck.
All right, answering to your plea for help (and to justify the inadequate response I typed back when I was young and stupid)...
But still.
I'm listening to Death From Above 1979 at the moment, so I'll be rather cruel, as this particular band is known to raise heart rate/blood pressure/susceptibility to spasms...
'A hand touches me gingerly'
If this is the baby-which I'm pretty sure it is- then how exactly are they touching it directly? I might have missed something. We'll have to see. If it's indirect, try something like, "I can feel the heat of a hand over me".
"second female"
Wait a second! FREEZE! Did I miss something? You can't automatically assume that the reader knows the mom's a lady. The baby could be the result of some freak sex-change accident, and we'd never be sure. Say just "a female voice". (Also, for yumminess purposes, I'd also put some description in with the voice, since some unfortunate women sound like husky bodybuilders *cough* school librarian *cough*.)
"But who is seeking me?"
This sounds rather Pre-K to me, although I do know that it's an unborn child. Still! You should have a better grasp of the English language, Ari! Try: "But who is seeking me out?" One word moves you up a couple grades in language mastery.
"I am hiding here inside her, where it is warm and dark and safe. I like it here."
That's a fairly awesome sentence, Ari. Good job.
"But I’m not worried. No one can hurt me here."
As the Uber-Emotional Perceptor person, I must say, that when one is playing hide and seek, you feel a little apprehensive. If they even catch a glimpse of you, you lose. I'd add a little extra "But there's a catch..." to this sequence.
“This is bad, Callie. This is really bad.”
Who's Callie? And why would being pregnant be bad to Callie if she's not the mom? Unless this is indeed the result of a freak sex-change accident, and it's a shared pregnancy. *shudder*
"I feel Callie’s hand on my mother’s shoulder."
...how? Explain to us a little, like if the baby can sense heat coming from different directions or something like that. Fill us in!
"“Oh God, it’s moving! Make it stop!” "
CLASS!!! Twist that fork in the heart a little more, would you? Very, very well done. I love how the baby's just sort of there, loving the hanging around, and the mom is obviously pretty stressed out.
"I feel almost everything she does."
HOW?? TELLLLLL MEEEE!
Oooh, a White Stripes song has just come on. Allow me a moment for a dance break, will you?
"“Then you’re not too late. I promise this will make everything right again.” "
ARI! QUIT WRITING SO AWESOMELY!!!
Why is this section so particularly awesome?
We have an extremely detailed, acute notion of what's going on, though you don't tell us. We're seeing this whole-ooh, scandalous- story through the eyes of the most innocent protagonist the world could ever come up with. CLASS!!!
" this warm darkness. "
That's the exact same way you described it earlier, you just changed the words around. Think of a couple different ways to say the same thing without making us groan.
"inside a place we have not been there before."
How does this baby know? Again, I don't think he/she's psychic, and it's driving me crazy because he/she seems to be and knows all this good stuff we don't.
"with cold fear."
I happen to know that this baby is in a spot at exactly 98.6ºF, not cold. Why does this baby feel cold all of a sudden? Good God, it probably doesn't even know what cold is...sorry, thinking aloud.
The ending was still awesome, but I'm sort of confused. I must admit I haven't done much research on abortion, but from what the baby was describing, I thought they were going to a clinic...so why is she awake? If the whole thing's being done with a coat hanger in a back alley, then the atmosphere as the baby describes it would be different. I'd touch up that bit a little more.
Other than that...you managed to give me the fork-to-the-heart feeling, which is uberly good when writing a piece such as this. Good job!
And good luck with the publishing thing. I'm sure it'll be great.
wow! i loved this! I liked the 'spin' you took on the theme of abortion. I have no critisism.. i loved it. I also liked the psalm you wrote at the bottom. I think that the scripture seemed to add to the story, but instead of giving the story extra meaning it gave the scripture more meaning as i really thought about it ina completely different light! Well done, your work is amazing. mim x
LOL! Of course not. Grammar can be broken and will be broken, but it needs to be skillfully done.
Okay. Sorry.
I hope I didn't sound rude...
Nah... it's a short enough sentence not to need it.
But!
DO NOT USE THIS FOR AN ANTI-ABORTION CAMPAIGN.
Seriously... if you purposely knew that this was a prolife message and you were prochoice, the first thing that would happen would be that your mind closes permanently. No matter how good this story is, people will begin to say it's horribly stupid. And why? Because the message seems to be in a prepackaged box. The reason why the story is good is that, when it finally gets around to the message, you're so sucked into the story that you can't get out.
Wow, thats so sad! Really, really good though! You have the emotions so captured. Sorry to repeat everyone else.
One thing..
“Thanks Callie,” she says and I feel her stand.
You need a comma after thanks.
Wow. thats an extreamly powerful peice. Almost set us off crying (by us i mean myself and 2 other hostel girls who i am currently sharing the computer room with) There was only one thing....The whole time Bubba didnt seem to fully grasp everything which is understandable considering baby can not see but then you say "the Van" how does baby know her/his mummys in a van when nobody says van? and doesn't it say that its a bus (a bit before it)
other than that its so great! Really you should get it turned into an anti abortion campain thing, it would work wonders!
=D>
I thought I'd already posted on this, but apparently not. I just thought I'd drop by and tell you how much I loved this. It really put an interesting point of view on this subject and I loved how you ended it. Really, great job.
But that's why you love me.
I... let people off easily?
I LET PEOPLE OFF EASILY??????
Geez... you're such a n00b.
*blinks* *refreshes the page to make sure it's not lying to her*
I think Snoink and Shriek just let me off easy.
*celebratory dance*
Actually, when I saw your names I expected you'd be full of suggestions for things to fix, since I've been meaning to edit this one for a while.
Why does she feel that way? Expand a little more. Other than that... [insert what everyone else said.]
Such a sad piece of work...
Gah, this was sad. I was able to hold off the tears until I read the final verse--that was a hard-hitter. I liked the emotion behind the narrator, especially that it was so closely tied to its mother, physically and emotionally. Such a stark contrast with the mother...
Excellent job as usual.
emotion_less-- It happened right as school was beginning. She was running a bit late. But no, I never get tired of hearing people say they like what I write. Thanks for reading.
nickelpickle-- Wow, thank you...that's such a compliment.
Arvy-- Thanks. What specifically was confusing?
three letters w-o-w
a bit confusing but very very amazing
oh my god areida....that was amazing....you are amazing at emotions.... i felt the emotion and love the point of view you wrote it on...i think you could easily get it published
I hope you're not tired of hearing this, but it was really good. I especially liked the hide and seek analogy. The part that confused me was the part where, I'm assuming, Kayla is at school. I thought she would be having the abortion before school, not during school, since Kayla mentioned later that her mother asked Kayla why she was going to school early. However, you also talked about a bell, which I thought was the bell signaling the start of school, and kids running to the classrooms. Did she have the abortion during or before school? Other than that, I really liked the story.
There's not a whole lot I can say except what others have said and what I would say would sound stupid compared to all the other compliments you got. I love your way of writing and style. Beautifully written and I can't wait to read what other stories you have. I really liked this...your imagery and discriptions are incredible and I'm left breathless by the end. Keep writing!
P.S: This is my favorite part:
Suddenly I feel myself being pulled out of my mother. I cling desperately to her, but I am not strong enough. If I could, I would be crying. We lost the game; they found me.
Then, abruptly, my anguish is over. There is no more pain. I am filled with warmth as I feel myself being lifted out of the machine. They are gentle hands that carry me to my new hiding place. Heavenly hands.
Great job on that part!
I was only suggesting removing two words.
Wow! I think I know where you got the idea from. Though it might not of shown on your T.V. It was about how a baby is made in a mother's womb, and a man started saying poems and so on. Though this is really moving and I was addicted. And Reichieru it sounds prefect like it is. There is no need to change it. Sometimes this kind of style is good. I love it. Its great!
Really fascinating. It's one of those few cases where being vague and mysterious actually worked for me. I did guess pretty quickly what it was, but that didn't making me want to stop reading because by the time I'd figured it out, I cared about what happened to the baby. However, at one point you actually say outright that the narrator is the baby. I think that spoils the mysterious tone just a little. Might be better if you cut that out.
Oh wow, I am ashamed I didn't read this earlier. Oh wow, this was a really great sympathetic piece. It nearly made me cry, to think that.... how old do you think she was? Wow... I can't say much, Overall I'm the I like it or dont' type of person. Wow.... wow... I really liked this...
Thanks so much, RiaBaby. That really is a very high compliment.
You guys are awesome.
I think this might be the most powerful sentence in the whole story. I really liked this, and must echo everybody else by saying you have a lot of talent. The only thing I found wrong with it has already been said--the word "voices" is used way too much in the opening paragraphs. And I thought that the very last paragraph was a little trite which is so contradictory to the rest of the story, because the whole thing was so original. I just think if you re-wrote the last part to make it a little more powerful then everything would be absolutely perfect, because it felt sort of cliché at the end. But hey that's just my opinion, and it's your story so it's up to you.
But I think is safe to say that you definitely won't have a problem getting this published.
Wow, this is amazingly written.
It could even be used in Abortion campaigns!
Extremely good, yet terribly sad.
Keep writing!
I like it a lot...I believe in abortion a lot, women's right to choose, and I have a little idea of what you believe in by the rich description and amazing imagery. It felt like a beautiful poem instead of a story. You have a lot of talent! Keep writing!
....shameless bump....
kewl...good luck!
Thanks for letting me know, Sam, I hadn't even noticed that! I'll look into it, but I might leave it the same.
That's really flattering, Misty Lynn...but surely there's something that can use work!!
I really appreciate y'all's feedback- I'm thinking about trying to get this published, so whatever advice you can offer is awesome. Thanks again for reading.
it's actually really amazing. I like it alot. but it's so sad...good job.
I don't have crit, I like it as it is.
Wierd...
yet interesting at the same time. My only critique- cut back on the number of times you use the word 'voices' in the first paragraph. It's kind of redundant.
Good job.