Published July 16, 2011
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Right then. I'm intrigued as to why 'you' as within the poem only come in about half way through? This is an interesting choice.
'her daughter is beautiful to my eye...' Also, depending on the age of this unnamed narrator this could be a bit creepy. LOL
The way you have incorporated a stanza of speech also works really well and I don't think I've seen anyone do that before.
This work is very original, I wonder what has inspired it? But I like it.
Especially the last line: Sigh... the sound of a baby crying.
I find this piece quite dark... I like it.
~Bloodink
This reminds me of a woman who is suffering from postnatal depression. I like how the face of the song or poem appears simple, but once you really look at it, you can really discover the complex emotions it hides. Well done
Just add a little bit more punctuation and perhaps a tad more descriptive language, that aside this is brilliant.
I like that it's vague. I think it's supposed to be vague so you're left thinking. Reminds me of Julianne Moore in the film The Hours.
Also...everyone loves a bit of repetition.
xoxo
pretty cool
I'm guessing the mother is depressed or something around that area.
its vague, maybe a bit too vague in my opinion.
Did she lose her husband? (Pretty sure of it)-"I know what your son looks like;
he resembles the look of your husband,
his eyes, his voice, like a mirror image of love"
love...love...love is too sweet to comprehend
little to no connection to family, shes upset, life seems to just fly by her.
I enjoyed it and in the end i think it needs a bit more work. Maybe a bit more description.
yes, i believe that is it. More emotion, and a bit more detail because personally i believe there are a bit too any holes. You give enough for me to get an idea but not enough in order for me to fully understand or to feel emotion toward her children. I don't feel much for the mother in general.
"she never replies at anyone
not even to her own children" - She doesn't reply to anyone
But hey, maybe in the end you want to keep it this way, and that's fine. I just personally believe you keep it vague enough for you to fully understand but the reader doesn't. This is something that does need to be worked on because of that.
"love...love...love is too sweet to comprehend" - My favorite line
Hope i helped
This is amazing! keep writing c:
Hi! Dear, feared Non-Rival! Here comes a review as promised!
The structure of the stanzas is good though, and both rythm and flow went on smoothly I thought. I've got a few other nitpicks when it comes to line and words though:
So this is quite sad, and I feel so sorry for her children!!! I like the story though but I wish you'd had more imagery. For a first post it's really good though! You haven't used punctuation or barely any capitals though so that should be fixed
* "they always go by to everyone" I think the "to" in the middle of this sounds off and odd.. Erase it or replace it... no, erase it, that's the only option.
* "she never looks into her eyes like everyone" This line doesn't make any sense at all.. I don't even get what it's supposed to mean.. To me it sounds like she doesn't look into her own eyes.. but who does really? And then comes "like everyone" and that sounds off... if you wanna keep the line at all I think you should add a "else" at the end... so it gets. "Like everyone else."
But that was it! Now, my overall impression of this was: Good, a plain good, a grade B perhaps. Oh, I must comment on the ending too! I thought it was brilliant, because it made me realize the poem goes far beyond these few words... The mother will keep acting this heartless, and her children will be rejected and all. Soo saaaad, but a gooood ending none the less!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Hello again, AJ! This'll be my 711th review. Is that cool or what? I should go get a smoothie or something. What do they sell there? Gas... Anyway!
Another poem I enjoyed! It's neat how you had some awesome imagery yet it was still quite vague about what's actually happening. It kinda has that detached!depressed feel you wanted the woman to have, which helps reinforce that a lot. Though the narrator isn't the woman, so that may be something to look into. (Kinda wished it was a third person view so you could have that detached feel.) Few things I question and will bring up just in case you were interested!
*accidentally copy/pastes the link again* Dooon't think you're interested in that.
I know this is what you intended, but even after reading your explanation here, I couldn't really get that from the poem. With the way it's written now, the MC makes it sound like she's just doing what everyone does, and that's not as exciting as what you intended it to be! It just sounds like filler. As if a prosewriter has to explain how a character went to the bathroom every morning.
This line is confusing only because it refers to two different females, and it's hard to keep track of whose who. This happens a lot with prose writers (including myself omg @_@), so a minor edit!
Since it's poetry, I can nitpick at format, right? or something. XD I don't like the ellipses here, but maybe try putting them on their own lines instead? Like so:
Love
Love
Love is too sweet to comprehend.
Choice of punctuation is your own. You could have fullstops on the first two or ellipses or nothing at all, but I feel like the linebreaks might be more effective for you than the ellipses.
At this point, I'm still unsure as to who the narrator is. However, the poem is awesome overall. The woman makes me all sad and stuff. She needs a hug.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I enjoyed reading this but got stuck on a few things like
she never replies at anyone
not even to her own children
I think what you mean is
she never replies to anyone
not even to her own children
ok not that i put that out there I can say I didn't really understand this part...
Someone called her name,
but she didn't reply...
she never replies at anyone
not even to her own children
She stands by the window,
watching the cars go by...
they always go by to everyone
even to her own children
it sounds like she cant hear and is deaf..but also don't understand...
I think maybe if you changed them two little section kinda like this maybe
Someone called her name,
but she didn't reply...
she never replies to anyone
not even to her own children
She stands by the window,
watching the cars go by...
they always go by everyone
even to her own children
but its hope to you how you put your poems.
Hello, I just wanted to say that I read your other poem and from what I've read I really like your writing style. You convey ideas and images simply and beautifully without being overly verbose or indulging in purple prose. As for this poem, I actually agree mostly with Karzkin, especially with this line
this line really jumps out at me as not quite fitting. It ruins the rhythm of an otherwise beautiful poem. You don't have to sacrifice your ambiguity-- make it more ambiguous, if you want to. Just make it... fit.
Ughh I hope that rambling was vaguely helpful to you. You have something really good going on. The best piece of advice I can give you is to keep writing.
empress
Liked it...
This poem seems honest. It seems like you aren't afraid to write about stuff that's filled with pain and heartache. It's a very inspiring piece that I really enjoyed. Looking forward to more of your work
Thank you for your feedback Karzkin. Indeed my intention for this poem was to make it ambiguous in it's description, with an added minimalist feel. With the line "she never looks into her eyes like everyone", I am referring to how the mother never looks into her daughter's eyes like everybody else does; ideally she is her mother, so shouldn't she look int oher daughter's the most out of anyone? The mirror image line refers to both her ex husband's love and her son's love, and how their lives will be similar in the future.
The second stanza was intended as a bit of juxtaposition (sort of) in the way that though she is doing a natural thing, her head isn't thinking natural thoughts. To normal people, she is just looking at cars to go by, but if you get inside her head, she isn't exactly thinking straight. She is trying to use something as simple and as everyday as looking at outside for cars as a shield for her problems. She is therefore using that idea of curiosity to help her get through her problems at home.
I also used that ambiguous imagery to capture the atmosphere of the piece- where the reader can only guess that the worst is about to happen. Either way, something bad happens, but the question I want to ask themselves is "how soon will it end?"
Hi there!
I really like your poem! It's sad, it's gloomy. It captivates a lot of emotions. I like it. I'm not much of a poet, so I can't really give you any pointers, sorry! Good job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
Hi! A good piece, I enjoyed it. I especially liked the refrain throughout. It adds to the heavy message of the piece. The repetition of the first line at the end was also great. Also, the change of pace and form in the final stanza is good. A jarring, but effective, technique. One or two things I think need a small amount of editing:
1. The punctuation. I'm a bit of a stickler for good punctuation. However, you seem to be a clever sort, so you could do one of two things: 1. determine where the punctuation requires attention and edit accordingly, or 2. tell me that the punctuation is carefully thought out and composed, and tell me to shove off because I'm an idiot and totally missed the point. Either would work
2. There are a few lines that are a little ambiguous:
Which is the mother and which is the daughter in this sentence? Who is 'she', who is 'her', who owns the eyes? I assume you mean the mother never looks into the daughter's eyes, but as it currently stands the audience cannot be sure.
The mirror image part is what irks me here. Is it the father's love for his wife, or the son's love for his father? Or both? Do you think you could resolve this one somehow?
Whose thought is this? The original speaker of the first three stanzas, the initial speaker of the fourth stanza, or the mother herself? Some well-placed inverted commas or italics could clear this up a little.
3. Finally, the whole second stanza confused me.
What is the purpose of this stanza? The first and third stanza communicate the woman doing or seeing things differently to others, but here it shows her doing something the same; she sees the cars go past, same as everyone else. This could be one of three things (as far as I can tell): 1. she looks at the cars but doesn't really 'see' them (because her mind is otherwise occupied etc.), unlike everyone else, including her children, or 2. you've deliberately included this to make the woman mundane and not corporeal; she sees the cars, just like every other functioning person (I'm not sure I've explained this point very well, but it's late and I'm tired
So, this is a good piece. It could be improved, however, if you strove to decrease and resolve ambiguity, and avoid unnecessarily confusing your audience (unless you're intentionally doing it of course).
K.
i realy like this poem and, it makes me kinda sad. but it still is one of the best poems i have read today