International Tearducts On Parade

Jell-o, friend.
Here I am again, with a late review.
I'm pretty sure I read this on your blog and I really liked it and it really meant something to me, but today I don't see it. Maybe I'm just poetry-dead. Anyway, rereading this, I realized it was *just like* my poem called Eden (My second or third poem I posted on the site) in that they both have the same rhythm, they both try to rhyme, they both have these fragment images that make up the whole poem, and they both have this rather depressing mood to them. Just something I noticed.
You may notice that Eden is in my folder titled "Substandard Works." I just moved it there recently, because I realized that while fragment images for lines are very poetic, they're not very... definite? Concrete? They don't really convey the poet's exact meaning very well. I decided that's not the best style to have in poetry.
HOWEVER, I do think you pulled this style off pretty well in this poem/lyrics/whatever I'm gonna call it a poem if I want. The images that you have, although fragmented, are very vivid and poignant.

Most of your rhymes in here are really good, but there's those couple (i.e. "a soldier's wish//Swimming with fish) that are just bleh. The good thing is that usually even the forced rhyme seems to go with the rest of the poem, and I can see how they fit, it's just... some of them it sounds like your were instructed how to rhyme by Dr. Seuss. (That opinion is mostly influenced by the wish/fish one.) However, some of the rhymes are really good too! And the "Bad" ones aren't even that bad. I think if you try to weigh each and every single line, see what it's worth and if it's just a filler, your poem would seem less forced rhyme, more simple, and more clear. (another example, "Paraphrased tongues... what does that even mean? The reader doesn't know. or at least I don't.)

The mood you present is quite interesting. There's all these images of blood and marching and rotting and leeches, and bitter wine, and vile cancer, and corrupted lungs, but then you include a few words that are contrary to that mood: day, fish, love, parade, pleasure, geyser skies, parachute. These words are all used to help describe the horror of what's happening, but all of these words (at least to me) have good connotations. Even having them in the poem kind of destroys what you're trying to build up mood-wise. And the horror words aren't really plentiful and horrible enough to drown out these other words.

All in all, I like this poem. Despite the form, which I already said I'm not a fan of, I think you used it to its best capacity.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis

Yo, AJ. I know you, you know me, so no feelings barred. I'm a fan of this one; just know that.

I'm not exactly sure what sets it apart from your other pieces that don't get nearly as much attention. I'll assume you just posted in the right place at the right time.

So you spend your entire first verse building this vile image that will undoubtedly set the stage for the entire song. Your second line, "The blankest canvas" forces me to allude to a lack of feeling, an apathy, an emptiness. And so that emptiness is bitter as wine, vile as cancer--rolling in death. This is where it changes. And honestly, I can take that line or leave it, and interpret it forwards or backwards. If you want the phrasing to line up for your first verse to flow musically, I'd nix the "and" in "And there I wept". Using the song you gave me, I'm guessing you used that as a downbeat before the triplet hit of the guitar, but lyrically, it works better not there.

The next part, since its line setup is different, I'm going to assume is a refrain. Ignore me if I'm wrong because it doesn't particularly matter. The first three lines are fine, but "Let them march all day" just doesn't fit, simple as that. If you want to allude to your eyes pushing on tirelessly as you yourself march, find a new way to say it, soldier.

So. Verse 2. You're inside the mind and decay of a soldier and you reference a leech that I'd like to see more of. You get deducted forty points for rhyming 'here' with 'fears'. For that, I'd change "It's always here" to something else. Find a better rhyme, one that doesn't make me roll my eyes. And you're like me. I'm sure you roll your eyes at your own work just like I do. Make it less roll-worthy.

I'm digging the second quatrain. Just. This is my favorite part of the song, but at the same time, I'm unsure as to how pleasure rots the sun each day. The rest of the song is pretty miserable, so why have pleasure rot away your days? Why not misery or the loss of an ally? You're going through hell, so don't give us a tiny pink cloud out of satan's ass. Give us misery.

Verse 4 is pretty solid. It's really just more building onto the concept of war and all things militant. I'm not sure there's really much to take away from this stanza. Do you want to be a quotable artist? If so, go through and refresh some of these lines. Some are a bit predictable, though I'm a fan of, "The flag's heart pumps, and it will live another day." That's based on the pre-built concept of yours that the blood of the flag is that spilled by its defenders.

Verse 5. You open with what is either a death wish or a strong desire to swim? Given the tone of the poem, that's totally a joke. He wanted to die. Poor guy. Still not a fan of fast/last. I just have an issue with straight rhyme. Try a slant, for god's sake. Your finally four lines are quotable and meaningful. You win.

I don't have an overall summary of this. Just take the bits and pieces for what they're worth. Nicely done.

Hey 567ajt!
I loved your work! It's very commendable, and overall amazing! Your diction is great throughout, and your flow is great too. I often fooled myself into thinking I was reading poetry. I sincerely wish I can hear this played out soon!
The only lines I failed to analyze/interpret were these:

"A soldier's wish
Is answered fast
Swimming with fish
I'd love to last"

However, I guess that's my own fault. Your work is truly extraordinary. Great job alt!!
-Sbitonti

I think you already know how I feel about your writing.

THIS WAS AMAZING

As I said before, this is fantastic.

Heh. Adam, I won't enlist in the army. You have my word.

I LOVED IT
I'm sorry what?
Ha ha
I liked this particular style, ajt. I think it flows well with you.
Overall, excellent imagery and I enjoyed reading it. I would probably enjoy listening to it even more.
I don't really feel comfortable 'critiquing' this, since it seems very personal, and it clearly doesn't need it anyway.
Overall, ajt, I liked it and good job. Intriguing lyrics.

Helloo!

Here to review (again) as requested!

So... as I have already mentioned: I am in love with this piece, and it is quite honestly one of your best works yet.

Best segment:
'And pleasure rots
A thousand suns
Rising the plots
Against our guns'

Through your honesty and well phrased language, you have honed in on the universal truths surrounding the tragedies of war.

The title of the work itself: 'International Tearducts on Parade' is inspired.

So yes: I < 3 this work very much.
Kudos.
And again...
One of your best works yet!

Love Bloodink (a.k.a you know who)

xxxx

This is a great song and I wish i could hear the rhythm that goes along to it so I could read it correctly. I agree with the others that it is a bit confusing (cryptic, as one phrased it), but it really works You have excellent diction throughout! I would be interested to hear exactly what influenced you to choose the lyrics to this song. I wish the theme were a bit clearer because I could appreciate it even more if I truly understood the subject.

Well hello!! We meet again!

I must admit ... it was a little confusing, but I still love it! Very cryptic indeed! And I feel a lot of sadness there, but also a strong will struggling with a duty, to overcome one's self and do what they want, not what their told? It's what I'm getting, so please tell me if I'm wrong.
But yeah, it is very good! And as I was reading it, I actually started singing it! Haha!! I could feel the rhythm and the words. I love how you've written it all too!!

Hope that all helped! Keep up the amazing writing!!

Sage

Wow. This was really well written. Some parts I don't really understand, but that just adds to the cryptic and mysterious tone of it. The whole poem shines with an aura of haunted beauty. I thought this was excellent. Keep writing!