Published August 8, 2011
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
I really liked this! Your form was good and the rhymes didn't appear to be forced which can often be the danger of writing a poem with this rhyming pattern. You seem to have nailed the concept perfectly and it kept my attention span right through the piece.
I like the fact you haven't punctuated this poem in particular - just left in free form which allows it to be read in any way It's a very effective technique. Well done!
Hellou my Non-Rival! Demoness speaking here!
I must say... ehm. WOW, even without the punctuation this was quite amazing. I was hooked after the third line and then I kinds held my breath through out the entire thing (Either it was because it was stunnlingly good, or because there were no dots to let me inhale at) Anhowss.. this WAS stunningly good, even though there were no dots to inhale at. I love, love, love your imagery and the ending was just breathtaking (If I'd had any breaths to lose)
If to complain at something I found this line a bit strange "So long nothing else can remain"
But part from that.. all I can say is.. Pfff.. *Takes a deep breath" AMAZING!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Aiight kiddo, here goes it. Over all I liked the rhythm, it was smooth and even and it read well. It was a good poem in general. This brings me to a lovely segment I like to call NITPICKS! c:
either this needs punctuation or words should be removed/changed, I feel like it doesn't fit the flow of the rest of the poem.1:
2:
A few here. Uno, "Never missed out much" Doesnt make sense to me, not sure why...that might just be me.
Dos, Much and push don't rhyme, that throws if off for me. Haha, sorry. again that might just be me being...nit picky.
3: More of a compliment than a nitpick, I LOVE this line.
Over all I liked the poem, It flowed well and the word choice and metaphors were excellent. You're gonna go far kid, keep writing.
Emot.
Fine piece of writing. Everything is almost flawless. The theme is captured quite well.
Hi!
So, my overall opinion is that I thought this poem was really moving and makes you think about faith and Jesus. Although I loved this poem there were some parts that weren't too coherent in my view, I might be wrong, I'm just putting it out there.
For example, in the fifth stanza:
I didn't quite understand the last two lines that I just put as a quote, but I was thinking if you re-worded those two lines to make it more coherent, maybe that would help the reader.
The last stanza really made it moving and very powerful, so, I suggest you don't change that or anything because I really felt moved.
Other than the little nit picks I pointed out in the 5th stanza, I really enjoyed it and can't wait to read more of your stuff!
This is really good. The rhyme scheme and rhythm work well, almost flawless. The message is pretty clear, too. I didn't see anything grammatical but you should probably try to check anyway, just in case, because it's so easy to make typos. Anyway, I liked this. I hope my review helps.