Cobalt blue flames flicker in the darkness.
They are dimming.
Slowly.
In their faint light I see a battlefield.
I see the silhouette of a woman.
Her silver crown catches the flames light.
"Find him," she commands.
Another silhouette nods and skitters away.
The vision fades.
Another appears.
A man slams his cup on a table.
His face bears the scars of battle.
His arm in a sling.
"Queen Ombra? Searching for me?" he scoffs. "Not possible. Everyone thinks I'm dead."
"Your Majesty. Leaving your sword on a battlefield does suggest your survival."
The king scoffs again. "Leave. I have more important things to do."
The king fades away.
A final vision appears.
A girl.
A girl with the flaming wings of a phoenix.
Her eyes are a brilliant blue.
She's scared.
"Aithne, are you coming?" a woman asks.
The girl shakes her head. "I can't."
"Why can't you?"
"They'll kill me. Just like I killed them."
The woman hesitates. "Aithne. Dead people can't hurt you."
"But I see them," the girl insists. "In the night."
The woman mutters something about Aithne being crazy.
The girl sits down in a corner and wraps her fiery wings around herself.
"They'll kill me," she insists. "I know they will."
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141,128 Literary Works • 674,147 Reviews
Yay and the next chapter begins with the cobalt blue flames. Let’s goo!
… Not sure I follow this line of logic…Ohh are we in one such vision mentioned in the previous chapter now?
Hmm you might want to try and find a way to give more depth to your silhouettes. Like, a way to distinguish one from the other, just to leave the reader with a better idea what to picture in their head :3
(Hah! I knew we are now delving into the visions. Ready for the next one! Tho I am curious. Since last chapter the cobalt blue flame was a harbinger of bad things, does this mean that cobalt blue visions are where bad things happen? I got a distinctly evil vibe from the woman)
Oh I can already see that the vision-haver has to be so frustrated since they cant do anything about it. Cant make this king understand that the queen is looking for him, cant tell the queen where to find her prize. All very mysterious!
Aha! Another blue mentioned, the girl has blue eyes (and because you write this in a lyrical style my brain keeps going: “You must find out why the curtains are blue!”), wonder if this will be related to the cobalt flames. Or maybe a contrast to them, as the good “phoenix blue” flames?
Ohhh I like this and what it implies. I kinda have two thoughts abt it: either it’s the literal thing, Aithne has killed people and they are haunting her etc very good, can work with that, sounds like an awesome story, especially since she seems so young. Or she too has visions of the future and sees herself eventually killing them but because it is basically set in stone that things will come like this she talks about “having killed them” in present tense which ofc is also cool. Very nice setup!
I feel like this line doesn’t really fit in with the rest of them tho. Something abt it doesn’t read as well as the others to me :3
Very interesting :3 Hopefully you get to post more ^^
Hello! Let's just jump into it.
Either flame's light, or flames' light.
Also, "light" appears twice in quick succession and trips up the rhythm here. I see what you were going for, but there's better ways to do it.
How? Historically, finding a King's armour or weapon on battle usually meant the King had died and his entourage didn't have the time to retrieve his stuff. I think here, also, we see the issues with your chosen style. With such purposeful short sentences, adding nuance/detail is difficult! Either change the sword thing, or find a way to explain it that fits your style. Imo the first is easier but up to you!
Very well written! Here, we see a pro of your chosen style. It can be so impactful when done right.
Looking forward to reading more
Howdy howdy! I'd like to say I love how this is going so far; I can see where the story is going, and I'm liking it. But I think we could do with just a bit more detail. I like how you're writing it almost like a poem, but I think it could be really beautiful if each description of a person or a place was almost given its own poem within the greater poem, if that makes sense. Especially with the visions, because the transitions seem a bit quick.
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Hello, the great and glorious Mrytle! This I, Junebug, here with yet another joyous review!
Shall we commence the feast?
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a glorious continuation of the "Visions" story. I love how you seem to be writing this story out in poems instead of chapters, it makes it all the more magical. Here, through Visions, we see three different people and get glimpses into their complicated lives. There's Queen Ombra, who seems to be hunting someone on the run. There's a King who has faked his death and is hiding from the Queen. And then there's Aithne, who is haunted by the people she killed.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I have no critiques thus far, your writing is great!
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
The descriptions of this poem are so very beautiful!
Some lines that I thought were great are:
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Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
You have built the perfect foundation for more of this story, you kept me hooked the entire time and I can't wait to read more!
Thank you, have a good day/night, and be safe!