Young Writers Society

Hi ArctiWolf,

Mailice here with a short review!

I'm glad to read a sequel of Greg.

You write an interesting analogy in this short story and manage to attract a wide readership with the simplistic writing. I like how the story sounds like a fairy tale or a fable where you can build sympathy with the characters. I also like how you manage to present the dialogue in more of a passive sense, which makes me feel like Greg's adventure has been over for many years and he is now a celebrated hero.

I like how you set up the story, and - as I noted earlier - have the thought that it can be a fable - keep it short. I would mostly mention that you should include more description, but I don't think it's necessary here, just because it's short and direct, and the goal of yours is more to write an entertaining story, with maybe an interesting subliminal message.

What I think you could change is when different events are a bit longer apart, to separate the sections further, for example with a line or dots, etc... At one point in particular, I thought it was a bit too rushed the way you presented it. Otherwise, it was a really great story. I haven´t read the sequel, but I also thought, that Poka the Ladybug was a bit behind in characterisation compared to Greg and Trace. I don´t know how important Poka will be, but maybe add there a bit more info about the Ladybug would be great.

Let's get right into what I noticed while reading:

I like how you start with how it actually ended in the last part. You don't need a long introduction anymore, you can jump right in because the reader has already read the first part. Still, your "introduction" works well and the first paragraph tells a little more about Greg's life.

Trace, an army ant veteran, who had lost his way.

My respect for the ant.

in a very sinister manner, how they were extremely territorial and wouldn't let anything near their nest, even humans.

I'm not sure here, but didn't you mean "not even humans"?

Greg and Poka stared at him like wide-eyed hatchlings, something that attacked humans was formidable indeed.

I would split the sentence into two here. This also gives the reader more of a break and builds up the tension a little.

Trace continued that some humans were afraid of them and tried to exterminate them by whatever means necessary. He went on to explain that the humans trapped poisonous mist in a can and sprayed it on their unlucky victims. He said all this while continuously marching to and fro like he was briefing a new batch of recruits.

I really like that you portray Trace as the veteran and that he can teach Greg and Poka more with his wisdom. It's a great indirect character portrayal, and gives the reader a brief insight into how Trace likes to share his experience with others.

The waps told Greg and Trace that they were trespassing.

There's an "s" missing from "waps" here.

When they got back to their spot in the attic Greg's heart was heavy. He had just paid for ten weeks of rent only to be forced to evacuate.

Greg should ask to get the money back. Because that's outrageous!

In summary, it was a great performance and an excellent continuation for the story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Hey ArctiWolf! I have another review for you!

Your story duo (and now trilogy) is so fun! I feel like I could go on Greg's adventured forever. If you've ever seen Ms. Spider's Honey Patch, you stories remind me a lot of that. It gives me some nostalgia, maybe that's why I like them so much lol. But nonetheless let me praise the actual story and give some critiques.

First of all, I like how you're introducing more bugs and insects to the universe. I think Trace was an especially great add-in. He provides more sound reasoning to Greg's more emotional way of making decisions. I like Greg's unsteady nature, but I think something that we were missing from the first one was a companion. It's like Mission Impossible. The story won't feel natural without Ethan Hunt having a team. But I think you made great character decisions for Trace. Also another cute thing you did with Trace was make him a Veteran army ant.

One paragraph I like in particular is this

Greg and Poka stared at him like wide-eyed hatchlings, something that attacked humans was formidable indeed. Trace continued that some humans were afraid of them and tried to exterminate them by whatever means necessary. He went on to explain that the humans trapped poisonous mist in a can and sprayed it on their unlucky victims. He said all this while continuously marching to and fro like he was briefing a new batch of recruits.

Because Trace is the veteran, he knows all this stuff about the war of extermination of species and humans.

Some critiques I have are mostly about Poka. She seems kinda slung in there without much thought. She seems more like an add on character that just happens to know the depths of the great outsider at the end of the story. If you were to use Poka again, I would suggest to expand upon her a little but more. And give her some dialogue.

Another thing I noticed about the story that I didn't notice in your last story, is that you don't have dialogue. The story(s) can be a lot more jazzed up when you put some talking back and forth between characters. You give the illusion of characters speaking by describing what they're saying, but we never actually know exactly what they're saying, which I think is kind of a miss. I crave the speak.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. This has some really good children's book elements that I think would be great for kids! I can just follow along in my head with storybook pictures. Love the sequel, I'll check out the third installment later. Keep Writing! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeeee<3

Ahhhh yay a follow up!

This was just as good as the last one, if not better! I'm a sucker for stories about animals and insects living their own little lives. I love A Bug's Life and Ant Z for those reasons, and now I love Greg's little escapades! I'm all to happy to observe him from a safe distance, though

My review won't be very long, as some other reviewers have left some wonderful feedback for you to look at.

So it was unsurprising that Greg had befriended Trace, an army ant veteran, who had lost his way.Greg had taken particular care to make Trace a little house that he would not stick to.

This is so wholesome and cute! I'm glad we get to see Greg's friends in this episode!

Trace yawned and strutted out of, what he liked to call, his little shack.

Remove the commas, they aren't required.

this morning's had been especially interesting.

Maybe you can change the "had been" to "was," because it's in the next sentence that we learn what this is news is, and "had bee" implies she already shared the information in the past.

Trace went on to explain, in a very sinister manner, how they were extremely territorial and wouldn't let anything near their nest, even humans.

This might be a little grisly, but perhaps Trace could also mention how they immobilize their prey and lay their eggs inside the victim? It's a bit gruesome, but it'll help rationalize why Greg and the others are so afraid.

Greg mentioned that they should do a scouting expedition.

How about "Greg suggested a scouting expedition to see what the wasps were like" or something similar? It feels grammatically more sound.

The hexagon-riddled cone was all the evidence they needed, not to mention the swarms of wasp patrols.

Wait, but where exactly is the nest? On the roof? On the crate?

He had just paid for ten weeks of rent only to be forced to evacuate.

Eh? Why is he being forced to leave? The wasps aren't controlling the entire attic, are they?

They headed for the humans' garden with plants that towered above them. The place was full of beauty that Greg had only seen through windows and he wondered why he hadn't come to visit this beautiful place sooner. This would be way more fun than Greg had expected.

Ahhhh this is great! Can't wait to follow their adventures in the garden! I hope they meet lots of other insects and we get to see how their lives are.

You made my day again! I loved reading this.

~ Lee

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!

First Impression: Well, I definitely really enjoyed the previous little short, so very excited to see what the sequel has to offer. On first glance, it looks like another awesome and still pretty wholesome little story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Greg, a Tennessee jumping spider, stretched his front legs. Since he'd had a horsefly for dinner, Greg wasn't interested in breakfast. Greg only ate flies and small moths, he found other species such as ants too hard-working to be a meal. Besides that, they were marvelous company when you got bored. So it was unsurprising that Greg had befriended Trace, an army ant veteran, who had lost his way.Greg had taken particular care to make Trace a little house that he would not stick to.

Oooh, well this little spider is really starting to grow on me now, and the fact that he's friends with an ant that he also build a home for is just ahh...wholesome to read. Also...again more accuracy as far as his diet goes...

Trace yawned and strutted out of, what he liked to call, his little shack. Greg had been up early and fetched Trace a leaf or two and had run into Poka the ladybug again while doing so. She always had the most pertinent of news to share and this morning's had been especially interesting.

Oooh, what could that news bee...also that's a really fun name to give to a ladybird...I've never thought what you'd name a ladybird, but that seems oddly fitting somehow.

Poka was sitting next to Greg and telling him how she had heard rumors of red beasts with wings and horrible stingers and went on to describe them in immense detail. Trace who had been content to sit and munch on his leaves up until this point commented that they sounded like wasps.

Uh oh, well that would certainly be a threat to quite a few insects...but I'm no expert on wasps so I have no idea exactly what they would actually hunt.

Insects half the size of a human's pinky at the very least, with thorn-like stingers full of immobilizing venom that could pierce through a spider's armor plating and kill them in one blow. Trace went on to explain, in a very sinister manner, how they were extremely territorial and wouldn't let anything near their nest, even humans.

Hmm, not sure a human pinky is the greatest of comparisons especially for an insect to be making, I kinda think the ant would compare it more to themselves I think, rather than humans but that's again a bit nitpick so I'll just let that slide, and of course this little paragraph to give us a bit of background information on what these wasps are like is definitely a really good idea here.

Greg and Poka stared at him like wide-eyed hatchlings, something that attacked humans was formidable indeed. Trace continued that some humans were afraid of them and tried to exterminate them by whatever means necessary. He went on to explain that the humans trapped poisonous mist in a can and sprayed it on their unlucky victims. He said all this while continuously marching to and fro like he was briefing a new batch of recruits.

Ahh, well, things that scare even humans certainly would scare a lot of these smaller insects, and I love the visual you're creating here with Trace sounding like he's briefing recruits and those two just starting at him wide eyed.

They all concluded that the wasps were bad news and Greg mentioned that they should do a scouting expedition. Trace wholeheartedly agreed, eager to see some action. Poka made her leave, wished them good luck, and told them to inform her of what their expedition turned up.

Ahh...an ant and a spider teaming up to scout out a potentially dangerous nest of wasps, well...this is a line I never thought I would type...but ahh..well this is certainly quite exciting.

The nest was hard to get to given the amount of human stuff in the attic. Various items, chests, and boxes were littered everywhere, but they made it to their destination all the same. It was a big crate which gave them a good view of the surrounding area.

Oh dear, a human attic would certainly be a place that would be quite tough for an insect to have navigate through...the poor guys.

It didn't take Trace and Greg very long to confirm their suspicions. The hexagon-riddled cone was all the evidence they needed, not to mention the swarms of wasp patrols. Feeling a little too close for comfort, Greg and Trace were about to turn around and head back when they heard a loud buzzing from behind them. They had been spotted.

Oh dear...that doesn't sound good, not good at all. And I do love the way that they also compile a bit of evidence there as they're about to head out. It adds a little more detail. And the transition there from them arriving to finding what they needed and leaving is pretty smooth too, so that's awesome.

Trace made no efforts to move at all. When Greg desperately tried to get him to flee Trace simply responded that their best bet was to state their intentions, show they were not a threat, and comply. Greg, though unnerved, was compelled to do the same.

I suppose Trace does have more experience in these matters.

Greg heard human voices below them and realized that they were going to check for the wasps very soon, all he and Trace had to do was stall. The wasps got closer, their feet and antennae twitching menacingly. Greg only hoped he could be brave enough to stall them until "help" arrived. The waps told Greg and Trace that they were trespassing. Trace merely argued that they were confirming the rumor and that with the rumor being fact no one would come near the area again.

Hmm, well, sometimes you find help in the unlikeliest of forms in the unlikeliest of situations..ahh...well I do love this scene here as he waits on the humans to arrive and talk care of the wasps. And wow, Trace seems like someone who knows how to negotiate in potentially hostile situations. It certainly looks he has done this before.

The dangerous conversation was cut off by a laugh from a little human below and the thud of a small rock. The wasps turned toward the sound as another small rock made the wasps' nest sway and the human cried with delight. Greg could see the anger seething through them and felt a bit bad for the little human below, who was seemingly unaware of their wrath. Greg looked at Trace, who nodded, and they quickly made their escape while the wasps were distracted.

Oh dear...the human race can be like that sometimes, I do hope the wasps don't end up doing anything too crazy over there. And ahh, glad to see our two friends managed to get away from that situation while the wasps were busy focusing their anger on the humans.

When they got back to their spot in the attic Greg's heart was heavy. He had just paid for ten weeks of rent only to be forced to evacuate. If spiders could shed tears Greg would have shed one, but he reminded himself that he was lucky to even have a plan B. He quickly took down his bug-catching web and sorrowfully took apart Trace's small shack.

Aww...that's sad to hear...at least they can find a place in a safer spot than next to a bunch of very dangerous wasps. Hmm, the addition of him having to take apart both of their little homes is definitely tapping into the emotions there too, you've definitely got us readers invested in this little duo.

With their things packed Greg and Trace looked back at their space in the attic one last time before slowly descending the side of the house. Greg tried to brighten up the mood a little, at least they would get to see more of the world. Besides Poka knew the lay of the land better than anybody, it would be easy for her to find them a nice comfortable spot.

Ahh, that's about the best they can do at the moment in such a situation.

They headed for the humans' garden with plants that towered above them. The place was full of beauty that Greg had only seen through windows and he wondered why he hadn't come to visit this beautiful place sooner. This would be way more fun than Greg had expected.

And aww....ending on a bit of a hopeful and wholesome note...ahh I do love that little touch...a happy ending is always going to be my favorite.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, it was another awesome read this one. All the characters are really interesting, and to see the different personalities and abilities of Greg, Trace and Poka and how it ties into what kind of insect they are is an awesome touch here. You've really created some great characters.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! As always, please keep in mind that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

he always had the most pertinent of news to share and this morning's had been especially interesting.

Maybe you could remove the word 'of'. I feel like this sentence would be smoother without it ^^

Poka was sitting next to Greg and telling him how she had heard rumors of red beasts with wings and horrible stingers and went on to describe them in immense detail. Trace who had been content to sit and munch on his leaves up until this point commented that they sounded like wasps.

Hmmm...
Red is too vague a descriptive word. No wasp is ever just one color. Yellow Jackets are bright yellow with black markings, and there's a species referred to as Red Wasps, but they are a mix of crimson/brown with black spots.
Maybe consider mentioning their markings?
Just something I thought I'd throw out there

Trace who had been content to sit and munch on his leaves up until this point commented that they sounded like wasps.

A part of me suspects that there should be a few commas like this:

Trace, who had been content to sit and munch on his leaves up until this point, commented that they sounded like wasps

Just a suggestion
Aaand that concludes this review! I hope you found it helpful <333
BROUGHT TO YOU BY..

I loved this story, and the prequel "The Spider Who Paid Rent." However, I can tell that this one was written without as much thought and consideration. It's a little messy in spots and could use some revision. Also, we didn't get to see much conflict between Greg and the wasps.

Okay, here are some suggestions I would make to the story.

Breakfast was off the table as dinner had consisted of a large juicy horse fly.

First of all, "breakfast was off the table" is a very slang way of saying it, and I wouldn't personally use that in the story. Also, it makes the paragraph much harder to understand and I had to read it a few times to understand it. Instead, I would word it like this.

Since he'd had a horsefly for dinner, Greg wasn't interested in breakfast.

Or something like that. But it's your story!

Greg only ate flies and small moths, he found other species such as ants too hard-working to be a meal.

There's a grammar mistake here. I would separate these two sentences and add a couple commas. It would make the sentence look like this.

Greg only ate flies and small moths. He found other species, such as ants, too hard-working to be a meal

The second paragraph didn't really make much sense to me. It was a little messy.

Greg had taken particular care to make Trace a little house that he would not stick to. As if on cue Trace yawned and strutted out of his little shack, as he liked to call it. Greg had been up early and fetched Trace a leaf or two and had run into Poka the ladybug whilst doing so. She always had the most pertinent of news to share and this morning's had been especially interesting.

I feel like the first sentence of this paragraph belongs on the end of the previous one. It's talking about Trace, and Trace seemed to be the subject of the previous paragraph. Or at least, a subject. The "As if on cue" part of the next sentence doesn't make sense because event though the author is talking about Trace, the character isn't. Also, "as he liked to call it" doesn't make sense either. It either is a shack or it isn't. The author then proceeds to cram several more events into a tiny paragraph space. These events could have used much more description. It seems rather rushed. Also, you make Greg finding Poka seem like a first encounter. Then, proceeding to use the word always doesn't make sense.

The encounter with the wasps themselves was very short and made me, as a reader, quite sad because I was hoping for there to be more. Then they leave for the garden and the entire thing is over. Overall, it conveyed the correct idea, but it could use a lot of work. It all seemed rather rushed.

As usual, my reviews are not designed to belittle anyone or their writing. As a fellow writer, I simply want to help you improve. <333