PLEASE read and review, tell me how I could improve it, kthx?
She always was like a God to me.
Running her own little world.
With her own sense of Justice and Reality,
And I was her dutiful follower
“Go play with her,” they told me.
“She’s lonely.” And she was – she had no friends.
She was in the field, with the tall grass,
Scratching at her knees, talking to herself.
I asked her what she was doing
Half thinking she was crazy
But instead of something insane,
She told me about her magic World
And I was entranced.
One time she spent the entire afternoon
Avoiding me. I was her only friend.
I trailed her in the field, begging
For her to see her own light
How could a God be so weak?
Eventually she told me that she had been,
Joking, and was just testing my reaction -
It almost broke my heart.
We were skipping through the same field
When one of my neglected friends,
Announced that it was over
And our friendship was done.
It barely registered in my mind
I had my God – what did one friend matter?
She left, eventually, moved to some new city
Still finding its roots
And after a while, the magic left too
It almost released me, in a way
And let me step back and say
“There was something wrong.”
She had been my God –
But that didn’t mean she was good.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Yeah, I figured I was too vague. It was a school assignment and my teacher told me to keep it 35 lines so I had to cram. I'll fix it for personal preference soon.
Thanks for the critiques!
This line is a bit long, and breaks the flow a little since the preceding line was quite short, so I would take out "_ she had no friends", because the rest of the line says it all, really.
I would much prefer you to make us think she was crazy, rather than pointedly telling that's what you thought.
I didn't quite understand this stanza - I'm not sure why she was avoiding you, and what she was joking about, so it confused me a little.
I'm still slightly confused about why she wasn't a good God, so perhaps this needs more description, more about what she did, about her world, etc. Pretty good though apart from that, I quite liked it.
8D
My friend told me it was boring so this certainly cheers me up. c:
I'll get to work on that!
Thanks!
You made my day.
And Chirantha - thanks! I'm so lame.
I loved the poem, this is one of the few times I've been impressed by poems which tell stories!
) it was really a job well done. I've not got much harsh to say about it except maybe you'd consider entering it into a contest?
When I started reading it I was entranced into finishing it - (occasionally I do just skip past poems
Great poem and I hope to read more from you -
-Tusker-
Ooooh, I loved it. How it almost told us a story. Well done.
I loved it. It really expressed how it was like to have a new friend and then to forget about her. Well, I loved it.
She always was like a God to me (A period here)
Running her own little world (And here)
With her own sense of Justice and Reality (A comma here)
And I was her dutiful follower
“Go play with her,” they told me.
“She’s lonely.” And she was – she had no friends (A period here)
She was in the field, with the tall grass (A comma here)
Scratching at her knees, talking to herself.
I asked her what she was doing
Half thinking she was crazy
But instead of something insane,
She told me about her magic World
And I was entranced (A period here)
One time she spent the entire afternoon
Avoiding me. I was her only friend.
I trailed her in the field, begging
For her to see her own Light (The 'Light' shouln't be capital)
How could a God be so weak?
Eventually she told me that she had been (A comma here)
Joking, and was just testing my reaction -
It almost broke my heart (A period here)
We were skipping though the same field (shouldn't this be 'through?)
When one of my neglected friends (A comma here)
Announced that it was over
And our friendship was done.
It barely registered in my mind
I had my God – what did one friend matter?
She left, eventually, moved to some new city
Still finding its roots
And after a while, the magic left too
It almost released me, in a way
And let me step back and say
“There was something wrong.”
She had been my God –
But that didn’t mean she was good.
Well, I was glad that this person at last came to his senses.
Well done.