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KIA - Episode 2 (Tragedy of Mrs. Evans)

by Aravind


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

[Scene 1: Previously on 'KIA']

(On the News)

NEWS REPORTER - Gary Norman's henchmen, Bobby and several others were found dead at a printing warehouse. They appear to be tied up to machines printing logos of Mr. Evans' political party....

EDGAR - Oh god, just look at these fellas! They look like they've been....(turns to KIA and notices his bruises). Don't tell me you-

KIA - I did.

EDGAR - Are you insane? You realize the genetic defects that could incur?

KIA - There aren't any; stop making things up.

EDGAR - That's not the point. You're not a crime fighter! You're meant for scientific research and development.

KIA - You're under-estimating my capacity!

EDGAR - The police, the military, there are so many out there. You're not one of them, for christ's sake.

KIA - I took Bobby and his men out for framing Mr. Evans again in child product scandals. I could do that with whatever I had; maybe he's not wrong after all.

EDGAR - (Answers the phone) Hello? Oh...oh, you're welcome, I-I guess. (looks at KIA) Yes, I-I'll convey your regards (cuts the call). Mr. Evans just thanked you for what you did.

KIA - You see that?

EDGAR - Hmm....

KIA - Dad, I don't want your research to go in vain. What you've done is great for genetics; I couldn't have asked for anything better than this.

EDGAR - I'm only scared for your well-being. It's complicated enough that you were genetically designed; with all the action you get yourself into.....

KIA - It was only last night, when I turned to realize my potential as an individual. I am capable of things which no ordinary man can do; I can serve the right justice.

EDGAR - If that's your destiny.....chase it.

KIA - You're serious?

EDGAR - We'll see how it goes. My research serum can come in handy to you too.

KIA - Is that why you agreed on this?

EDGAR - Listen, it's better to stay invisible to the human eye, especially when fighting crime. I've prepared a serum; it holds qualities of a Chameleon.

KIA - Fire me up.

EDGAR - Tomorrow.

[Scene 2]

(Gary Norman's Estate - Police Investigation)

INSPECTOR 1 - You realize what you've just done, right?

GARY - No need to keep reminding me. What do you want?

INSPECTOR 1 - I need information.

GARY - Listen, a lot of crazy stuff happens within politics, let alone your own political campaign. (Shows his hand) You see this hand?

INSPECTOR 1 - Right.

GARY - Together, they're like one political party. I can knock the other guy out, and move on. The problem is, these five fingers aren't the same....and Bobby (points his middle finger), just did that.

INSPECTOR 1 - I hear you.

GARY - It's all in the system. I mean, if I were the only one running, then it would be dictatorship, am I right?

INSPECTOR 1 - Sure.

(News Reporters rush in to collect a statement)

NEWS REPORTER 1 - The evidence seems loud and clear, Mr. Norman. What's your say?

GARY - I just spoke to the inspector, and he completely stands by when I say that not all folks from my side are great. Sure, Bobby was a phenomenal right-hand man, but who knew he was secretly trying to sabotage my opposition? I wouldn't do that for the world, that's cowardly, that's mafia-like.

NEWS REPORTER 2 - But you've been in the mafia yourself, so don't you believe it's immoral to place the complete blame on your henchmen?

GARY - Just because the man's a henchmen, doesn't mean he ain't got the smarts. I've known Bobby and the others for 15 years. I know his impulse, and I can assure you that's not mine. If given the opportunity where he wasn't brutally killed, I would've kicked him out.

[Scene 3]

(Edgar Campbell is preparing the serum for Tim Campbell, a.k.a KIA)

KIA - Is that the dose?

EDGAR - Yep. Just don't do any physical exertion the whole day. The hormones of the Chameleon will tamper with your muscular reflexes.

KIA - Right. What if something new pops up?

EDGAR - (Stares at KIA) Not tonight, Tim.

KIA - Right.

(Edgar vaccinates his son)

EDGAR - Right then, hold on to that for some time.

KIA - Any symptoms I should be aware of?

EDGAR - The usual drowsiness in about 2-3 hours. You need to be isolated in a cold room for the next 24 hours.

KIA - Alright. I can set the air conditioner for that. Nutrition wise?

EDGAR - You'll have to be on a diet this whole day. You can eat nuts, but not whole meals. It'll redirect its target towards your metabolism then; the focus is to tamper with your camouflage abilities.

KIA - Right. I'll be in the room setting up. What about radiation from radio waves? Do I use my phone?

EDGAR - For now just leave it aside. Be in complete isolation in your room. I'll see you tomorrow morning.

[Scene 4]

(At Evans' estate)

EVANS - Look at that, lying piece of shit.

WIFE - I can't watch this. Is this necessary?

EVANS - What are you talking about?

WIFE - You're up against that monster. He just killed our son!

EVANS - I know but-

WIFE - I want none of this!! You either pull out of this, or I'll end it.

EVANS - Is that a threat? You're threatening me??

WIFE - Of course I am!! (gets emotional) O-Our son...(sobs) gone like that.

EVANS - (Hugs her) I know, w-what can we do? (sobs) the lord will protect us, and his poor soul.

(doorbell rings)

WIFE - (Answers the door) Who's it?

(The man is wearing the t-shirt of Evans' party)

WIFE - Honey! Someone from your team! (looks at the man) He's in the living room.

(The man walks closer towards the wife; the wife feels uncomfortable)

WIFE - Um...sir?

EVANS - (Looks at the man) Dear? W-Who's that?

MAN - (Strikes a knife before the wife's neck) Don't move!!

EVANS - Hey!! Hey!!

WIFE - Evans!!!! (fearful) Help me!!!

MAN - I'll kill her, you son of a bitch!!

EVANS - Get off her! You want me?! Come at me!!

MAN - Don't call security!!! Call security, then she gets it!!

EVANS - (Backs off from the estate intercom) Please, I-I'll give you anything!

MAN - Oi!! Come in!!

(More people enter the house, wearing the t-shirt of Evans' political party; they tie Evans' hands behind a set of bars in the living room)

MAN - Now just watch.

EVANS - Honey!!! No!!!!!! Get your arms of her!!!! You perverted bitches!!!!! NO!!!!

(after a moment)

MAN - Alright! Clear up!

MAN 2 - Didn't one of us have to stay behind?

MAN - Oh that! (releases Evans' from being tied). Keep hold of him; you know what to do when they enter.

MAN 2 - Got it.

[Scene 5]

(Gary Norman's Estate - Gary is eating his dinner)

PA 1 - Sir! Sir! There's a problem at Evans' estate.

GARY - What is it?

PA 1 - The wife, she got gang-raped.

GARY - (Spits out his food) What the fuck?!

(The police ring on Evans' door - they enter)

INSPECTOR 2 - Freeze! What happened?

MAN 2 - Sir, what do we do now? (looks at Evans)

EVANS - (In shock) W-What?

MAN 2 - Sir, come on, you said no trouble.

EVANS - (Strangles him) Y-You devil!

(Police separate the two)

INSPECTOR 2 - Oi! Cut it out! The hell happened here?

EVANS - This bastard and his goons gang-raped my wife (sobs).

INSPECTOR 2 - What?!!

EVANS - They tied me, and made me watch!!

INSPECTOR 2 - Why you...(slaps the man). You sick bastard (checks out his shirt). Evans! What is this??

EVANS - That's fake!!! He's not even from my party!!

MAN 2 - Really, sir? I thought you were with me on this.

INSPECTOR 2 - What?!

MAN 2 - He wanted to frame this incident on Gary. What a freak, didn't even let me change t-shirts.

EVANS - You motherfucker!!! Take that back!! Right now!!

INSPECTOR 2 - Where's the body?!

(they check the body)

INSPECTOR 2 - My god...(in shock).

EVANS - No!!! (cries) What've they done!!

INSPECTOR 2 - This is very serious, get her to a hospital.

[Scene 6]

(Edgar turns on the TV)

NEWS REPORTER - This is just in, Mr. Evans' wife has been gang-raped by a group of members from his own party....

EDGAR - (In shock) What! (Goes through the internals of the news coverage).

(He approaches KIA's room, but encounters a flashback voice, warning him not to)

FLASHBACK VOICE - (Monica Campbell's voice) Don't you dare play with my son's life like a lab rat!

(Edgar refrains from knocking on his door, when he is in isolation)

[Scene 7]

(Press interview with Gary Norman)

GARY - The tragedy to Mrs. Evans is very disgraceful. This is not how we operate as a system in this society.

NEWS REPORTER 3 - Rumors spread and believe that you've been involved in emotional blackmailing in this case.

GARY - Listen, I'm well aware that I was in the mafia in the past. I'll say it over and over again; I am past that. Now this is politics, and even if I could, I can't do something like that because it's not healthy politics. Secondly, being someone with a huge stature, I can't get away with a crime like that, and we're talking Mayor's seat at stake for both of us.

(After the Press Report)

PA 1 - Be more subtle next time. Don't hint out your possibility of involvement.

GARY - I gotta maintain the fact that I was indeed in the mafia before. 

[Scene 8]

(At the hospital - Autopsy by forensic scientists; after data collection)

SCIENTIST 1 - We got some thumb impressions and some blood samples. We'll take this to the lab and further investigate.

INSPECTOR 2 - Thank you, and hurry quick with the results.

(At the ICU)

DOCTOR - The injury is very severe. Her genitalia has been severed very badly.

INSPECTOR 2 - Any other injuries?

DOCTOR - She's currently unconscious. She's a bit traumatized, so to speak. We're yet to conduct Echo and X-Ray scans to examine for any bone and cardiovascular damage.

INSPECTOR 2 - Alright, thank you.

EVANS - (Tears) Unbelievable.

(They both sit outside the ICU)

INSPECTOR 2 - I want you to know that, you're off the hook. I know it's not you in the first place.

EVANS - I'm glad you acknowledge that.

INSPECTOR 2 - What do you mean?

EVANS - The last inspector I spoke to, had Gary's crime records erased.

INSPECTOR 2 - It's all in the power struggle. It's part of what makes politics a very disgusting business. You realize ever rat in this society could run your well-being?

EVANS - Sure.

INSPECTOR 2 - I've been a big time cop for more than two decades. I can tell a hint or two about political blackmailing.

EVANS - You know?

INSPECTOR 2 - We all know it's Gary. We just don't have enough power to take action.

EVANS - Why not?

INSPECTOR 2 - It's election season. We have to take precautions in leading such investigations. I can't greatly sway the polls as such.

EVANS - Inspector, you do realize that a crime is a crime. No matter what, if he gets elected, that bastard is gonna run Chiltern.

INSPECTOR 2 - As much as I would like to, the law doesn't permit me. (Gets up) I wish you get back on your feet, and recover from this nightmare. Prayers to Mrs. Evans (leaves).

[Scene 9]

(KIA's Isolation Room. He experiences the transformation. He gets up and places his hands against the blue wall for 10 seconds, after which his hands camouflage. He now turns on the TV to learn of the tragedy that occurred to Mrs. Evans)

END EPISODE 2


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1067 Reviews


Points: 112695
Reviews: 1067

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Sat Jun 09, 2018 10:46 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey, back again!

EDGAR - I'm only scared for your well-being. It's complicated enough that you were genetically designed; with all the action you get yourself into.....

KIA - It was only last night, when I turned to realize my potential as an individual. I am capable of things which no ordinary man can do; I can serve the right justice.

EDGAR - If that's your destiny.....chase it.

I could feel that this was a really important moment, and I think it works okay, but Edgar's agreement feels a bit rushed. What exactly made him change his mind? Is it that he wants to give his son freedom to chose? Is it that he believes in KIA's cause? Is it something else entirely? Hone in on those details to sell his change of mind. Describing his body language would also be *really* helpful. Does he sound reluctant, is he not looking at his son? Or does he take him by the shoulders and tell him with certainty in his voice?

Something else I found is that I don't understand most of what Gary is trying to imply when he says things like making the analogy with knocking out one or two fingers of a hand. It seems like you're trying to go for typical smooth mafia guy talking in circles, but it's not quite working because what he says doesn't make sense. If that's intentional, it could be quite funny, but that's doesn't seem to be what you're going for.

Also... I did not like the sudden rape scene at all. It's a really, really huge tone shift from what had previously been not that dark to extremely dark. It also felt completely unnecessary and like the wife literally only exists to have that happen to her, and that you're just throwing every tragedy you can at Evans for reasons that don't really make sense. A lot of people would probably stop reading/watching at this point, frankly. It also makes it so this story definitely needs to be rated 18+, not 16+.

I think I'm going to leave it at that. I didn't really want to read much past the rape scene. Again, my favorite parts of this were parts involving KIA and Edgar - I actually like the two of them a lot, whereas I don't care much about Evans at all. I thought the dialogue about the serum and what KIA would have to do that day as it starts to take effect was a nice touch.

Anyway, good luck with the rest of this story, and keep writing. :)




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Mon May 14, 2018 3:40 am
Kresle wrote a review...



This episode was noticeably shorter than the last episode. I get that you wrote this along with the 1st but I have some stuff to comment on for this one.

[Scene 1: Previously on 'KIA']

Personally, I don't think that Scene 1 needs to be dedicated to a recap. You should probably have a recap then start Scene 1. For the recap however, instead of copy-pasting the last scene of the previous episode, you should cut it down to the most important dialogue.
Example:

===
NEWS REPORTER - Gary Norman's henchmen, Bobby and several others were found dead at a printing warehouse.

GARY - (Looks at KIA) Don't tell me you-

KIA: I did.

GARY - Are you insane?

KIA - I can serve the right justice.

GARY - If that's your destiny... Chase it.
I've prepared a serum; it holds qualities of a Chameleon.
===

Just try to image quick flashing scenes of the dialogue like how recaps normally are in these types of shows, then you'll get what I mean. Personally though, I'd recap more stuff and not just what happened in the last few scenes of Episode 1.

Another thing I wanted to point out which I forgot to do so in the last episode is how the News Reporter uses the word "henchmen" for Gary's goons. It feels more appropriate to just refer to them as "his political party" or just "his men," because that's what they seem to actually be from what the audience knows. Even though Gary and others may look at them that way, I just don't think a reporter would use that word.
I also think that Bobby's full name should be in the headline and not just "Bobby."

GARY - Together, they're like one political party. I can knock the other guy out, and move on. The problem is, these five fingers aren't the same....and Bobby (points his middle finger), just did that.


I don't understand this that much, Bobby did what? Gary doesn't really imply what Bobby did. Sorry, I'm not sure if this is just me or what but I felt that this was unclear.

GARY - Listen, a lot of crazy stuff happens within politics, let alone your own political campaign. (Shows his hand) You see this hand?

INSPECTOR 1 - Right.

GARY - Together, they're like one political party. I can knock the other guy out, and move on. The problem is, these five fingers aren't the same....and Bobby (points his middle finger), just did that.

INSPECTOR 1 - I hear you.

GARY - It's all in the system. I mean, if I were the only one running, then it would be dictatorship, am I right?

INSPECTOR 1 - Sure.


You don't need to have the inspector reply to everything Gary says. His first response sounded natural to me, but the second and third didn't. You can remove the 2nd response but replace the third with something else. It might help too if you wrote down how he enunciated his words, was he sarcastic? or maybe even doubtful of Gary's words?

(Edgar Campbell is preparing the serum for Tim Campbell, a.k.a KIA)


I've wondered if KIA had an actual name and here it is. You should have stated this in the first episode instead or introduced their full names naturally in dialogue. Like say for example, Edgar is mad at Tim, and uses his full name to show disappointment. (ex. "Tim Campbell! Stop that right now!")

KIA - Right. I'll be in the room setting up. What about radiation from radio waves? Do I use my phone?


Instead of "Do I use my phone?" it might be better to use "Can I use my phone?"

[Scene 4]


You used a lot of exclamation points and question marks here. While you might not really have to do this, to make the script look tidier, you should cut down your usage of these two. It think it's enough to describe how the words were enunciated using brackets instead. Saying how they're feeling at the moment isn't always enough though, so you should go into detail sometimes.

I feel that the mother appeared out of nowhere. Try introducing her in the first episode. Maybe you could have the mother call Evans while he's at work and she tells him the news of what happened to their son. Maybe she could be at the hospital with Evans mourning over their dead son.


(More people enter the house, wearing the t-shirt of Evans' political party; they tie Evans' hands behind a set of bars in the living room)


Having a set of bars in the living room isn't very natural. Maybe just have Evans tied to a chair.

(after a moment)


I suggest having the scene stopped here. If you opt not to, I suggest going into detail, and showing Evans reactions, which you'll need to do right. Rape is not a light subject matter.

[Scene 5]

(Gary Norman's Estate - Gary is eating his dinner)

PA 1 - Sir! Sir! There's a problem at Evans' estate.


There's kind of a big problem with this. How did they receive news of what happened? Remember, Evans was still being held down, the wife was unconscious, and why would the men report themselves?

GARY - (Spits out his food) What the fuck?!


^My reaction to what happened with the wife.

NEWS REPORTER - This is just in, Mr. Evans' wife has been gang-raped by a group of members from his own party....


Shorten the headline a bit. Something more like, "(Full name of Evans' wife), gang-raped by husband's political party."

FLASHBACK VOICE - (Monica Campbell's voice) Don't you dare play with my son's life like a lab rat!


The voice might be fit for a better time. I can see this flashback coming up when KIA begins to suffer due to his experimentation or if ever genetic defects actually occur, which I could see happening. Anyway, it might be better if he just left his son alone because he remembered that KIA was supposed to be isolated.

DOCTOR - The injury is very severe. Her genitalia has been severed very badly


I suggest using a different word for "severed." Maybe "damaged" would be better. Having something severed means that it was forcibly cut or sliced, which would mean that her genitalia was cut off. Unless you actually meant that...

EVANS - Inspector, you do realize that a crime is a crime. No matter what, if he gets elected, that bastard is gonna run Chiltern.


Did you mean "run," or "ruin"?

[Scene 9]

(KIA's Isolation Room. He experiences the transformation. He gets up and places his hands against the blue wall for 10 seconds, after which his hands camouflage. He now turns on the TV to learn of the tragedy that occurred to Mrs. Evans)


This one is a bit informative and that's good. Try to be more detailed though. Describe the isolation room. Is it a normal room but with some regular stuff? or an almost empty room with or without a light source?
BUT, my biggest complaint with this is that there's a television in his room. You stated earlier that KIA shouldn't be exposed to radiation.
Dude, televisions make use of radio waves too.
So you might have to remove that.

===

I have some questions, what does radiation have to do with KIA's vaccination? Is it the possibility that the radiation could damage the chameleon DNA? The thing is though, the waves that cellphones and televisions use have non-ionizing radiation which doesn't damage DNA. The one that does though, is the ionizing radiation which older versions of the television used. So the stuff KIA should probably actually avoid is anything that makes use of Ultraviolet rays, X-rays, and Gamma rays.
Some links:
http://www.hardwarezone.com.ph/tech-new ... ctive-rays
https://www.ehso.com/ehshome/cellphonetech.php
https://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancer-ca ... hones.html
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/ ... -rays.html

Just refer to my review on the last episode again. Make sure to describe in detail the setting of each scene. I don't think you were able to capture the brutality of rape and the emotions in it, by the way. Try researching on them, but prepare to feel uneasy. Make sure to fix the plot holes too.
I hope this helps!





Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain