Published May 20, 2010
This Is A Spring Morning
The sun rises – pink blue
Calling out the morning dew
The frogs croak methodically.
Nature’s love melody
A cat dozes one eye placed open with care.
Scuttle past if you dare.
The cows chew their cud,
Smelling the violets in bud.
Two geese fly overhead,
As a girl slips out of bed.
This is a spring morning,
Not quiet, but peaceful.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Thankyou for all the advice. I will try to revise it. Or maybe just take the same concept and write a new poem . . . Thanks again
A. S.
Hi ArahinaSiddel
This is a very good poem. You have a lot of skill in describing a scene and making a perfect picture in people's heads. This image on what I'm guessing is a farm in the morning is quite common. And although your skills are good they don't really bring any knew insight to this scene.
Beside that it's a good poem. The flow is excellent and solid, and the use of adjectives were good. Well done
verawinters
This was cute - cute in terms of its size, cute in terms of the images themselves, cute in the way you described those images. However, at times I felt it tried to be cute a little too hard, and so lost that effect and instead came across as faker than it should have. The rhyme especially annoyed me - I mean, there were problems with the rhythm, yes, but what was more irritating was the fact that the ideas here were forced to fit the rhyming pattern. Cud and bud, dew and blue, care and dare, overhead and bed - these are all rather cliche rhymes (save the last one, perhaps), and you've got to be really careful in rhyming poetry not to let the last word in the line determine the entire meaning of the line and the poem.
Just a thought. I'd say to try it out in free verse as well, and see how it flows like that. Poetry is as much an art as it is an experiment.
Hey there. As Snoink already mentioned, you need to be a little more careful with your meter. Right now, the syllables of each rhyming line don't match up, and so the rhyme also doesn't work as well as it could. Also, the flow of the poem is thrown off by the irregular line lengths - an easy way to check your flow is to read your poem out loud. If you can read it smoothly from beginning to end, the flow is fine, but if something sounds off, or if you trip up, it's a sign that there's something messing up the flow.
Another thing you need to work on is your punctuation. Poetry is generally punctuated the same as prose. Right now, the punctuation isn't always grammatically correct, and it detracts a bit from your poem since in some places it's unclear that the reader should pause, or that a pause is too long/abrupt. By making sure that your poem is properly punctuated, you make it much easier to read and enjoy.
Hey Arahnia! This is a beautiful, still poem! And by still, I mean the synonym for quiet, not anything weird. It's pretty! I love how you begin with those first four lines... very nice! Just be careful about keeping meter... the cat part sounds very awkward and carnivorous... if you wanted to put it in, I would put it in at the end, so as to make a really smashing impression at the end.
Speaking of the end, I kind of wish it didn't dwindle off, like it seems to do now. It's a very quiet poem, but even the quiet needs to be twisted a little. So when you say, "Not quiet, but peaceful" I want to see some crazy noise there that breaks up the quietness of the day.
Anyway, just some thoughts. Keep on writing!