This is a poem I jotted down about a year ago. It doesn't have a deep meaning, and I didn't analize the way it sounded. Hope you like it:
Fire is burning hot
Snap crackle pop
The kernels sizzling edges tight
They burst, pure white
Shake on the salt,
Slather on the butterA.S.
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Hi!
You know, of all the poems I've read of yours so far, I think this is the best. I like that's it simple and fun. I just had two things that I wanted to comment on, though.
The first is the grammar. I'm not sure whether your lack of it was intentional or not. Sometimes excluding grammar can make a piece ten times more wonderful, but here it's just detracting. You also have several instance where you want to describe things like sounds and motions. For instance, take your second line. It would be a lot more effective as 'Snap, Crackle, Pop!', right?
The second thing I think you should do is go into a lot more detail. It's popcorn being popped, right? Describe it to us! While we hear it often, it's not something we see often, so use that as an opportunity to really surprise your readers with a cool experience. So, instead of just dully narrating details of popcorn making, describe a lot more. Maybe you can describe how an individual kernel pops, and then show that it keeps happening to more and more kernels before it's finally done.
In other words, make it more like as story while still the keeping the poetic aspect to it. Good luck revising this, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
I really enjoyed this. It flows perfectly and I love the onomatopoeia of it, especially "sizzeling" and the last two lines are brilliant.
I'd put an apostrophe after "kernels" to make it "kernels'" to show possession of the edges, and "sizzling" should be "sizzling". There's a "check spelling" button above the box you type into so if you click it in "edit" or before you post it will catch all the typos.
Hope this helps,
Jas