Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Lyrical


withershins

by Apricity



Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
806 Reviews


Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

Donate
Fri Dec 23, 2016 5:21 am
View Likes
Aley wrote a review...



Hey Apricity,

Overall I didn't really like this poem, honestly. It felt a bit forced for me. I do think that your stanza breaks are good, and your line breaks are interesting. You do a good job putting together the idea you're trying to get across, but the poem itself didn't really grab me.

I think the reason it didn't get my attention was just that you jump through it so fast. You go from drinking something to the universe before you get halfway done with the poem. If you would have stayed on the idea of why it hurt, or whatever was going in the "//" then I think it might have fit together better. I loved the beauty in the first section, but the crassness of the language in the second, for instance the random cursor, and the green highlight and the shadow because it's an image, and the small size of the text just make it feel like it's trying too hard.

It could also be just that I'm not in the mood for this style of poetry though, because that totally happens.

That being said, I'm going to try to give you some suggestions on how to improve keeping in mind that I don't need to like a poem to see what it does good or bad. I think your middle section between the two -- is probably the part where you're getting yourself into the most trouble. The poem itself feels a little disjointed because of the large white space after the index icon, the l line or whatever it is on the line before the second stanza in that section. It's up at the first real stanza too which makes it difficult to figure out.

For me the thing that stands out the most is the different ways you're messing with language, the italics, the lack of spaces there, the weird icons, and the use of // as an actual part of the poem. For me, this doesn't really add much to the poem when it's a poem about swallowing the universe. I feel like this could have been more persuasive given time to develop through the ideas that are mashed together with these devices.

I know that you like using that type of style though, and it is part of your writing and it can and does usually work very well, so I think the reason it's not working for me here is because of just how much you use in that section versus the others. Comparatively, you only use it once in the entire poem, but that once happens to both happen right in that middle section. It makes it feel weird.

All in all, I'd like to see you write a poem with just using your language and not trying anything fancy. Just write a poem that's about something you think, and see how it turns out. I think it could turn out really cool since you have a good understanding of language and how to write these riddlish things.

I hope to see the results!




User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:16 am
View Likes
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Is it bad that I clicked on this because I thought it said 'widdershins'?

Let's jump into the review. The way that you broke up the stanzas was interesting with the one line but I didn't really know what it was trying to get across. It was something that interested me but I don't know if I liked and I could be just missing it and it could be a subtle reference that I'm not getting.

There's a lack of punctuation in this poem that I think works well, and that's something that I don't really say too often. At the same time, it has its ups and downs as it makes it a little harder to read and it makes the reader have to read it in their own way rather than with the guide of periods, commas, etc for them to know when to start and stop.

Something that I admired here was the repetition that you used and I've honestly always wanted to do a poem where the lines changed around and everything of that sort. The main images are ones that I think should be the base of the poem and more of building around them. One thing that I did want to note with this is the cohesiveness which is something that I think sort of gets lost in the repetition and I had a hard time following what to really interpret.

As for 'withershins' and the title itself, I couldn't really find the meaning of the word and I didn't really know what it was beforehand so I'm going to ignore that part of the poem as for interpretation, though I would like to know if it's an actual word or if it's something that you made. There's not really a large guide on what we're supposed to interpret with this poem and I think that's a weakness even though it does give room for the reader and interpretation, it doesn't give us a guide on where we're supposed to go.

Give the reader a gentle push in the right direction and then let them figure it out for themselves. Back onto the repetition, it didn't seem to have any sort of pattern but I did want to note that when you're using repetition, you should know why you are. Is it for emphasis? Is it to add on more details onto that? Another thing to keep in mind is how often you do it and how much space there is in-between each time you do it. It wouldn't be perceived the same if you used it side-by-side compared to if you did it at the beginning and end of the poem.

The way that it's sprinkled is something that I love about the poem as well as the imagery that you use, but I want more reason and thought of what that imagery is conveying or how it's contributing to the poem. The imagery is something that I didn't really need to touch on all that much because it's something that I found to be overwhelmingly, the strength of the poem as well as the emotional attachment to the lines that you use as well as the weight behind them.

I hope I helped and have a great day! <3




User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 1872
Reviews: 39

Donate
Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:05 am
Squirtlepowiee says...



Haiii!

I love the beginning, then I realized there were lines that repeated. Is this suppose to be a song or something? It's very good though. The title fits the story. I don't have much to say, or type in this matter, but this is very good! Keep writing!

Squirtlepowiee





If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb