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dawn

by Apricity



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26 Reviews


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Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:34 pm
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alexblackwell wrote a review...



This poem is nice. Personally I find it very difficult to write poems that are free verse, it is impossible for me.
I would have liked it more if the poem was more punctuated. You see, punctuation helps with the pauses and adds depth to the poem.
I really enjoyed the words you have used. Keep up with the good work and if you have time please check out my poem too.
Cheers,
Alex.




Apricity says...


Thanks Alex!



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Tue Dec 27, 2016 3:39 am
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Aley wrote a review...



This is exactly the idea I was looking for!

I think you're still getting a little tripped up though. I don't like the fourth to last stanza
"yesterday, you closed your eyes
and missed the preambulation of possibilities
in coves of colours hanging off the horizon"
because it doesn't really mean anything.

To me, if I were to paraphrase that it would be "Yesterday you slept and missed the sunset" but in a poem about an insomniac, I don't really see it as fitting. The only way it works in is if they can't sleep because they're afraid of missing something else.

Aside from that, I loooooove what you're going for. Keep this direction! You are still using the sneaky fancy stuff like onomatopoeia and repetition but you're using it so right like this that I'm really happy to see it.

My one other comment is when you say "you told me" actually put in dialogue 'i can't sleep' so it would read "you told me 'i can't sleep'" otherwise it means that the person laying awake saw that the speaker of the poem couldn't sleep, which is just confusing.

Tag me next time too <3




Apricity says...


<3 thanks for the review



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Mon Dec 26, 2016 11:46 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So let's tackle this poem. The wording is something that I enjoyed, with it being strong and it working well with the flow. You make it feel like a narrative while still being a poem, and that's something that you accomplish well with this poem. The first stanza is something that works, but it didn't really happen to give us anything new, but it does give us an opening image. I'm always fond of things that happen to take place at dawn and I think that you capture this quite well.

Stanza two does what it needs to do and the wording is strong here with "you woke" but "and indeed" felt a teeny bit awkward? It could be changed for something else that may work better in its place. This stanza doesn't really do much for imagery and that's something that I wanted more from it because your usage of it starts to become inconsistent with the third stanza being so filled of it. It makes the second stanza feel lacking. That being said, I appreciated the third stanza for the imagery that it contained. Something that I wanted to comment on the poem that I didn't like is the vocabulary at some points.

Specifically looking at 'perambulation' because I don't think anyone would use that naturally in their writing. If you did, that's cool, but you can still write pretty things and things that have great imagery by using a strong vocabulary without using words that nobody knows the meaning of. In stanza five, 'shades of shadows' didn't really work well for me as it kind of seems like you're describing the same thing. The imagery that you do use is odd throughout this poem, and it's not a bad thing, but I wanted more of a dead-part-of-the-morning-feeling and I feel like you kind of fell short on banks of imagery that you could have tapped into.

Sure, you use the sun, but we don't really get that and I wanted something that gave off more of a while-the-sun-rises tone to the poem. What I'm mostly trying to say with this is that you had a lot of potential usages of imagery in this poem that you didn't always use but they would have made it stronger. As for originality, we've all seen the sort of 'dawn' poem before and I wanted something more that made this poem stand out as something on its own better.

The end of the poem is something that I like and dislike at the same time. It ends up returning to a form of onomatopoeia. The reason I dislike it at the same time is that it doesn't go as much back to breathing but that could have been intentional. Description of the voice is something that you could choose to do as well. I honestly don't hate this poem and it probably seems like I'm saying that with my critiques, because it does well for what it is.

It just happens to feel a little hollow in places though it does take advantage of your unique writing style with tea brewing in bones and everything of that sort. The last thing that I wanted to comment on was the lack of punctuation. I don't really mind it, but I do think that it could have been used more and I mainly wanted to comment on this because the comma in stanza five in line five feels a little misplaced. The poem does wonderfully in the places that it does good, and I can appreciate the emotion you put into this. <3

I hope I helped and have a great day!




Apricity says...


<3 thanks my chaotic friend, ugh, my punctuation will be the death of me. I'll return to it once I've studied punctuation and start putting them in the right places. I think I get what you're saying, I tried for a simpler style this time but couldn't get it right between the imagery and the narrative voice. What you've told me, gave me a gauge of how much I should aim to incorporate my imagery in so <3 thank you



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Mon Dec 26, 2016 9:05 pm
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erilea says...



You're much better at this than I am. >.<




Apricity says...


<.< I am hardly, but thank you



erilea says...


You're welcome. Some compliments are deserved. :D



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Mon Dec 26, 2016 5:50 pm
CarryOnMrCaulfield wrote a review...



Hello. Holden Caulfield here for a brief review of your poem. First off, I am impressed by your unique structure. Although this may be a result of my not being much of a poetry person, your varying use of style and structure as it pertains to each individual stanza is quite impressive and made it seem fresh and not contrived. The theme itself was interesting. Most poems I have read seem to rely on contrived hyperbole as it relates to the theme, but your poem was just so simple in nature. This was refreshing. My interpretation was that it was a wife lost in thought, her thoughts being directed towards her husband. It is just such a simple concept, and it worked. In regards to your writing style and command of the English language, it finds a nice balance between simple and elaborate. It is simple and straightforward enough without sounding bland, yet it is still poetic enough without coming across as pretentious. That balance is wonderful and made it worthwhile in the end.

My main complaint is your lack of capitalization, but I feel like that was intentional. Even so, it still irked me, but if that is your style, then it is your style. Don't have my words sway your decision whether or not to do just that.

Best,

-Holden




Apricity says...


Thanks Holden! As for the lack of capitalisation, it's a popular stylistic choice amidst poets, however for me. I feel like the capitalisation of each sentence destroys the rhythm of the poem in a way, it makes it feel like an actual sentence when it is in fact, not really. But I understand, capitalisation in poetry has been practiced for a very long time.





Yeah. I figured it was intentional, but I do not pride myself as much of a poet, and so I am not as knowledgeable about certain styles.




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984