16+ Violence

The Unknown Worlds - Roverem - The Beginning

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

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Argas’ face was glued to the clear, cool glass that seperated him from the outside world. It had been too long since he’d seen anything other than deep space and sheer void from outside of the vessel. Childlike wonder was not a familiar feeling to Argas, but he felt it creep in on him as the spectacle outside revealed itself. Trees, taller than any that Argas had ever seen before, dominated the pink-tinted skies, creating a massive overhead canopy full of bright purples and deep blues. If light could make it through the canopy, it was not obvious. The floor of the forest was alight with bioluminescence. Chair-sized mushrooms and plate-sized flowers were scattered about, each pulsing their light to their own internal beat. Argas was struck with disbelief, as if they hadn’t actually landed, and he was just dreaming it all. Argas moved from the window and made his way to his locker when a nasally voice called out to him.

“Is this not spectacular, Argie?” Argus gritted his teeth. He’d become all too familiar with that nickname over the long journey, and quite frankly, he was on his last straw. Barlen refused to call him anything else.

“Sure, yeah,” Argus said with a strained smile. He always tried to communicate the least amount of words with Barlen with every interaction. Say too much, and Barlen might never shut up.

“We made it, Argie!” Barlen said enthusiastically. “We made it! Ship’s on solid ground. I thought we’d be in there for… well, for forever! We need to get out there! Suit up, suit up!” The slender, almost spiderlike form of Barlen scuttled about the interior of the ship, picking up various tools and gadgets from various stations that he deemed important. Argus turned away and put his exosuit on. It was a slender, see-through garment that was designed for all-terrain. He reached into the bottom of his locker and grabbed his laser rifle. This was all Argus would need, personally. The big man turned back around to see Barlen waiting for him, dressed head to toe in all sorts of different equipment. A belt with blinking lights and detachable extensions, goggles that filled half of his face, a mini-screen on his arm… It made Argas dizzy trying to look at it all. One thing that Argas did not see was a weapon.

“All this equipment, Barlen, and no weapon?” Argas asked. Barlen let out a light, “I know better than you do” chuckle.

“Think critically, now. Let’s say we meet some sentients here, sentients who aren’t particularly partial towards strangers. Who are they gonna kill first, hm? The man with a weapon, or the man with arms up, coming in peace?”

“I think they’ll kill the person who can’t fight back first.”

“Oh, Argie! We really should head out.”

“I think you should get your gun…” Argas started, but Barlen’s skeletal hand had already slapped the big red button that releases the door. Argas groaned and reached into Barlen’s locker, procuring his single-shot excuse of a pistol.

With a loud hiss, the airlocked doors released, and a triangle in the cool metal of the wall displaced itself and lowered downwards, providing a ramp to the forest floor below.

“Here we go, Argie! First Tenicians to set foot here!” Barlen said, hurrying down the ramp. Argas stuck his head out and looked around.

A thick, dense smell struck him as he walked precariously down the ramp. It was a pungent, earthy smell - one entirely unfamiliar to a Tenician like him. The air was hard to breath, like he was breathing in slime particles with every inhale.

“Now that is something you don’t get often!” Barlen said loudly. His words got lost immediately, the echo absorbed by the sheer vegetation and air around him. It made Argas uneasy. Audio didn’t travel quite right here. “Whew, that smell! That is the ground beneath us, my friend! That, is, nature! You don’t see this much on Tencicia, or at all, really…” The gangly man continued to speak as he reached the forest floor, completely and utterly unaware of what was actually coming out of his mouth. Argas considered himself a practitioner of caution in every sense of the word, and this place was immediately putting a knot in his gut. Part of him wanted to think that it was just how he was with new places, or maybe because it was just darker than what he was used to, but... Argas wasn’t sure. He kept his hand on his holster as he followed Barlen.

“Absolutely insane to think that we’re the first ones here, Argie! We got the right to claim this place as our own! Insane, I say!” Barlen continued to speak loudly as the beeping machines about his person came to life.

“I wouldn’t be too sure,” Argas responded in a low tone. He took Barlen’s shoulder and pointed to a small clearing not too far in front of the ramp. There was upturned soil and broken branches about the area, and bootprints imbedded into the soft ground.

“Wow!” Barlen exclaimed as he rushed over to the tracks. “So there’s others, then? These aren’t natural, by any means. No, definitely footwear of some- oh, look at this, Argas!” The noise of metal against metal rang out as Barlen’s machinery-laced frame scrambled further into the clearing. Argas stood as still as a statue, his eyes peeled, his ears still adjusting to the thick noise cancellation of this forest. He was not thrilled to have someone like Barlen in a place like this. The man was making entirely too much noise, and Argas found that focusing was near impossible.

“Barlen, will you shut up for a second?” Argas barked sharply. Barlen stood upright and waved to him.

“You should really see this! There’s a trap of some kind over here, evid-”

“Barlen, I said shut it!” Argas demanded, more loudly this time. Barlen, though irrational, was not stupid enough to ignore his big friend’s sharp intuition. His mouth was closed for the first time since he set foot in the forest.

Argas strained his ears, forcing himself to shut out his other senses and focus on the noises around him. His anxiety only grew from this. In the middle of a thick forest, there was absolutely no noise except the pings of Barlen’s annoying machinery. Argas wearily made his way to his shipmate.

“Barlen, the life analyzer,” Argas said, his gloved hand outstretched. Barlen brought the analyzer close to his chest.

“Now, I know you know I’m the one in charge of that. This is expensi-”

“Barlen!”

“Ah, yup, here, here ya go.” The smooth object met his hand, and Argas pulled away. He turned with his back to Barlen and flipped the green switch on the side. Bnnnng…..Bnnnng….Bnnnng…. Ever so slowly, the big man turned clockwise, eyes glued to the tiny HUD on the screen. Nothing.

“This ain’t normal, Barlen. We should get back inside and send out ATOM.”

“I don’t want to send out that stupid thing, Argas! There’s so much more to be learned from first hand observation, is there not? I’m going to follow this trail…” Argas kept his eyes on the lifescanner and watched Barlen’s blip on the screen move further and further from the center. As soon as he was about ten feet away, the forest in front of the two of them erupted with sound.

Loud crashing came from the thicket to the left of Barlen. Argas, without hesitation, dropped the lifescanner and replaced it with his laser rifle.

“Barlen, your left!” Argas called. He could only watch in despair as Barlen whipped around to face whatever was after him. It was a furious ball of bristles and horns, with a fat face and ginormous tusks. It headbut Barlen straight on, sending the 115 pound man flying through the air like a pebble. He hit a nearby tree head on, and the sound of crunching machinery and broken bones split through the air. Argas cursed and backed up into the clearing as the alien creature spun to look at him. Without a second to waste, Argas aimed down his firearm and let out two fiery blue shots of pure energy. Without checking to see if he hit, he spun on his heel and pushed his gargantuan legs to carry him back to the ship. He heard the creature start off after him, and he only remembered thinking that no amount of money could get him to do this again, and then he was flying through the air. The last moment of consciousness was spent hitting the solid hull of the spacecraft.

Argas groaned as his twenty pound eyelids lifted to let in his surroundings. His back was against the ship, and there was an absolutely massive something-or-other standing over him. Instinctively, Argas brought up his firearm and let two more shots ring out, but they hit nothing but alien treebark. The figure seemed to chuckle.

“Careful with that, slugger. You could hurt someone.” The voice was deep and slow, calculated and controlling. Argas felt his weapon lifted from his grasp.

“No.... Hold on…”

“Now just take it easy, spaceman. Your head ain’t lookin’ too right, and you’ll only make it worse by thinkin’.” The big figure moved out from over Argas and let more light hit his face. Argas squinted at him, and saw a face. It was a large, sculpted face with a strong jawline and sharp, broad cheekbones, with deep-set diamond eyes behind a prominent nose. His skin was rugged and worked, and he wore a faded black hat that cast a blackness over his face. The parched lips formed a smile when Argas looked up at him.

“Where’s.... Barlen, where is he?”

“Oh, slendy over there? He’s in worse shape than you are, bud. He took the full brunt of a redheel boar’s headbutt. He’ll be feelin’ that for weeks, if he’s lucky.”

“He’s alive, though?”

“Yep, just barely.” The mysterious figure got up on the ramp to the ship. “The name’s Talion, by the by. Just thought we could get the niceties out now, while you’re awake. What were you two thinkin’, landing in the middle of a redheel hunting ground like that?”

“It wasn’t like we planned... all that,” Argas responded between deep breaths. His head was pounding like a drum, and his back didn’t feel quite right. “We were sent here, by Tenicia. We didn’t know what we were getting into.”

“Right, Tenicia. Next you’ll tell me that, what was his name, Barley? Next you’ll tell me Barley could lift a redheel with his bare hands. C’mon, now. Where are you from?”

“Tenicia, er, Talion.” Argas saw the sheer confusion on the big man’s rugged face. “Tenicia? The city-planet? Capital of the first ring?”

“Mmmm,” The big man mulled it over in his head. “Nope, don’t recognize it. Maybe you hit your head harder than I thought.”

“It-”

“It don’t matter much now. You two barely survived an encounter with a very upset redheel. We need to get you two outta here, as soon as possible.”

"No, wait... Barlen and I, we have to get to the ship..."

“Ho, no,” Talion said. He went over and picked up the broken form of Barlen as gingerly a man of his size could. "You boys are 'bout one foot in the grave already. The ship ain't goin' nowhere. You'll come with me, and I'll getcha all patched up and back to 'Tenicia', or whatever. C'mon now." Argas looked his shipmate over in despair. His arm was bent the complete opposite direction of the way it should be, and his head had a deep cut running from the temple down to his chin. On top of his near death, almost all of the equipment that was on him didn’t make it. Argas never knew what half the crap did, but he did know that the payment for those repairs were coming out of his salary.

As the two big men began to leave, Argas heard the soft beeping of a machine at his feet, and found his lifeform analyzer still intact. He stopped to pick it up.

“No stopping, now,” Talion said. “Redheel’s mate won’t be happy to learn about it’s lover’s fate. We gotta go.”

“Oh, right,” Argas said. He slid the lifeform analyzer onto his arm and switched it off. After one last look around the clearing, Argas’ eyes settled on the creature that had nearly killed the team of explorers. What once was a scary beast of night was nothing more that gooified chunks and crispy bristles. Argas shuddered at the sight. He’d not seen Talion with any weapon on him, and, as a matter of fact, still didn’t. What had the man done to that creature? What was Talion capable of? Argas didn’t know quite what to make of all of this, but he knew one thing for certain - this new planet was not open to new visitors. With one last longing look at his ship, he turned and limped after his strange new acquantence. 

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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:53 pm

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hello it's the review fairy here to drop off a review. Just kidding. It's Harry.

First Impression: Lovely opening scene. Looks we ran into a human(am I right?) from the perspective of two alien explorers. I haven't read many books like this before so this was a refreshingly new perspective and its written quite well.

Argas’ face was glued to the clear, cool glass that seperated him from the outside world. It had been too long since he’d seen anything other than deep space and sheer void from outside of the vessel. Childlike wonder was not a familiar feeling to Argas, but he felt it creep in on him as the spectacle outside revealed itself. Trees, taller than any that Argas had ever seen before, dominated the pink-tinted skies, creating a massive overhead canopy full of bright purples and deep blues. If light could make it through the canopy, it was not obvious. The floor of the forest was alight with bioluminescence. Chair-sized mushrooms and plate-sized flowers were scattered about, each pulsing their light to their own internal beat. Argas was struck with disbelief, as if they hadn’t actually landed, and he was just dreaming it all. Argas moved from the window and made his way to his locker when a nasally voice called out to him.


This is a great opening. Lovely description. You can just picture it in your mind.

“We made it, Argie!” Barlen said enthusiastically. “We made it! Ship’s on solid ground. I thought we’d be in there for… well, for forever! We need to get out there! Suit up, suit up!” The slender, almost spiderlike form of Barlen scuttled about the interior of the ship, picking up various tools and gadgets from various stations that he deemed important. Argus turned away and put his exosuit on. It was a slender, see-through garment that was designed for all-terrain. He reached into the bottom of his locker and grabbed his laser rifle. This was all Argus would need, personally. The big man turned back around to see Barlen waiting for him, dressed head to toe in all sorts of different equipment. A belt with blinking lights and detachable extensions, goggles that filled half of his face, a mini-screen on his arm… It made Argas dizzy trying to look at it all. One thing that Argas did not see was a weapon.


Bit of a chunky paragraph there. Might want to split it into two. Besides that it does a great job of establishing these two personalities which is great.

“All this equipment, Barlen, and no weapon?” Argas asked. Barlen let out a light, “I know better than you do” chuckle.


I think you forget to delete that or something because that's just a random word there.

“I think you should get your gun…” Argas started, but Barlen’s skeletal hand had already slapped the big red button that releases the door. Argas groaned and reached into Barlen’s locker, procuring his single-shot excuse of a pistol.


Wait so is Argas in command or are they partners?

“Now that is something you don’t get often!” Barlen said loudly. His words got lost immediately, the echo absorbed by the sheer vegetation and air around him. It made Argas uneasy. Audio didn’t travel quite right here. “Whew, that smell! That is the ground beneath us, my friend! That, is, nature! You don’t see this much on Tencicia, or at all, really…” The gangly man continued to speak as he reached the forest floor, completely and utterly unaware of what was actually coming out of his mouth. Argas considered himself a practitioner of caution in every sense of the word, and this place was immediately putting a knot in his gut. Part of him wanted to think that it was just how he was with new places, or maybe because it was just darker than what he was used to, but... Argas wasn’t sure. He kept his hand on his holster as he followed Barlen.


One thing here is that you have a lot of thoughts blended int the dialogue and description. This is just a suggestion but it usually is better to put thought in italics so that they are easily distinguishable from the rest of the story.

There was upturned soil and broken branches about the area, and bootprints imbedded into the soft ground.


That has to be embedded.

“Barlen, I said shut it!” Argas demanded, more loudly this time. Barlen, though irrational, was not stupid enough to ignore his big friend’s sharp intuition. His mouth was closed for the first time since he set foot in the forest.


Calling somebody irrational is a pretty strong word and I get the feeling that he's only teasing here so you should probably use a less powerful word for that.

“Barlen, your left!” Argas called. He could only watch in despair as Barlen whipped around to face whatever was after him. It was a furious ball of bristles and horns, with a fat face and ginormous tusks. It headbut Barlen straight on, sending the 115 pound man flying through the air like a pebble. He hit a nearby tree head on, and the sound of crunching machinery and broken bones split through the air. Argas cursed and backed up into the clearing as the alien creature spun to look at him. Without a second to waste, Argas aimed down his firearm and let out two fiery blue shots of pure energy. Without checking to see if he hit, he spun on his heel and pushed his gargantuan legs to carry him back to the ship. He heard the creature start off after him, and he only remembered thinking that no amount of money could get him to do this again, and then he was flying through the air. The last moment of consciousness was spent hitting the solid hull of the spacecraft.

This is a great action scene. I can only see one issue. Saying 115 pounds is a little weird right in the middle of it. Just maybe use a descriptor for size there.

It was a large, sculpted face with a strong jawline and sharp, broad cheekbones, with deep-set diamond eyes behind a prominent nose. His skin was rugged and worked, and he wore a faded black hat that cast a blackness over his face. The parched lips formed a smile when Argas looked up at him.


That's another great description there.

“Mmmm,” The big man mulled it over in his head. “Nope, don’t recognize it. Maybe you hit your head harder than I thought.”


That seems a bit off. I mean he knows its an alien so why can't he think that it is one from a planet that he hasn't heard of? Why does he think that Argas is not remembering correctly?

Argas never knew what half the crap did, but he did know that the payment for those repairs were coming out of his salary.


Well that sucks.

And that's it for this review.

Overall: It was a great opening. Pretty interesting. Does the job of a first chapter pretty well.

And of course remember to take what you think is useful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
IcyFlame
Review

Hi there Antho!

Welcome to YWS :) It's great to see that you're already posting after being here only a day! I hope you're enjoying the site so far.

It had been too long since he’d seen anything other than deep space and sheer void from outside of the vessel.

This is how I've felt all the way through lockdown!

Argas was struck with disbelief, as if they hadn’t actually landed, and he was just dreaming it all. Argas moved from the window and made his way to his locker when a nasally voice called out to him.

I got a bit lost here... he was dreaming?
Also, try not to start both these sentences with 'Argas'. 'He' is fine for the second sentence, just to mix it up a little bit.

He’d become all too familiar with that nickname over the long journey, and quite frankly, he was on his last straw.

'he was on his last straw' is an odd turn of phrase. Perhaps change to something like 'it was getting on his last nerve' or 'he was nearing the end of his patience'. Your choice! But the way you have it right now doesn't quite make sense to me.

“Absolutely insane to think that we’re the first ones here, Argie! We got the right to claim this place as our own! Insane, I say!” Barlen continued to speak loudly as the beeping machines about his person came to life.

That's optimistic! He's gone from talking about not taking his weapon to not appear threatening to assuming that there's nobody else there? What changed his mind?

“Now, I know you know I’m the one in charge of that. This is expensi-”

“Barlen!”

“Ah, yup, here, here ya go.” The smooth object met his hand

I'm struggling to understand their dynamic here. Are they friends? Colleagues? Is one superior to the other? Not necessarily something you have to clarify right away, but perhaps something to bear in mind.

Argas groaned as his twenty pound eyelids lifted to let in his surroundings. His back was against the ship, and there was an absolutely massive something-or-other standing over him. Instinctively, Argas brought up his firearm and let two more shots ring out, but they hit nothing but alien treebark. The figure seemed to chuckle.

It could be helpful to put something here to split up the chapter. For instance:
************
It's just helpful in indicating that time has passed. I had to reread a couple of times to make it clear.

Interesting start! I'm looking forward to see where you take this. Feel free to tag me whenever you post a new chapter and I'll more than happily take a look.

Hope this helps!

Icy.



Resistance is futile.
— The Borg