Destiny
I guess I am heading in the right direction
Because I am so confused
I guess I need to have the right selection
To be in with you
I don’t know where I am going
Because I don’t know where is my destiny?
My life is reaching its end and its slowing
I need to find my destiny.
I guess I need to focus
To reach the right place
I guess I need to discuss
to be in the race.
I don’t know where I am going
Because I don’t know where is my destiny?
My life is reaching its end and its slowing
I need to find my destiny.
I need some rest
From all this stress
I am looking for the best
Out of the rest
I hope I find out, where is my destiny
I don’t know where I am going
Because I don’t know where is my destiny?
My life is reaching its end and its slowing
I need to find my destiny.
I hope I solve this mystery.
By: Anshita
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi Anshita! *waves* =]
I'm your felllow CIA teammate, Rosemarie.
I've never reviewed any lyrics before, so I don't know if my comments are good enough...
Anyway, I liked the flow of the piece, and I can imagine singing it out loud.
I'm a bit confused here, because how can you know you're heading in the right direction if you're confused?
Hmm... This verse is actually pretty good, but discuss isn't really a good word for this... I don't know, maybe:
I guess I need to focus
To reach the right place
I guess I need to use my wits
To stay in the race.
Remember, your lyrics actually don't need to rhyme, or sometimes, it'll feel a bit forced.
Well, I think that without the sentence "I hope I solve this mystery", the song would be more complete.
I hope that my comments are useful! =]
-Rosie
Well I have 'Waking up in Vegas' by Katy Perry stuck in my head right now so I won't be much of a help in the 'can I hear this song in my head' department.
Anyway....
Nitpicks/General things to point out:
Something is just a little 'off' in this line but I can't quite figure out why...
I think you have two options here.
1. 'Because I don't know my destiny.'
2. 'Where is my destiny?'
This is really rhymey-rhymey. I think I would try to change this around so all the lines don't rhyme. Maybe try a ABAC/ABCB/ pattern or something. Also, the repetition of 'rest' bothers me. (That's just a general pet peeve of mine.
Rhyme/Rhythm:
Other than that one stanza I thought you did a good job with the rhyming. I know you know from reading my stuff and from past reviews that I'm not really a rhymesmith and I don't like to rhyme very much, blah blah blah...
I thought everything flowed pretty well. I can't really say if I could hear it in my head or anything like that because now I have the new Emminem (that's probably not even how you spell his name
Topic/Overall:
I've never really seen any songs written about destiny before like you've done so nice job there.
I thought you did a nice job. You presented it well, it flowed well. Good job.
-Carly
Hello!
Your song is nice, but the message is unclear.
It seemed a little too tentative and vague.
I would suggest spicing it up with some detailed imagery and creative metaphors... anything to add color.
You seemed to approach your topic from quite a distance, which can be good because it doesn't isolate your reader by being too personal. At the same time, consider intensifying the emotions you are expressing by using more vivid adjectives and verbs to reel your listener in.
Keep writing.
BABANUUK
The rhyming was really good, the rhythm was very cool and the message of this song. The only thing I did not really like was:
need some rest
From all this stress
I am looking for the best------I did not really like this line
Out of the rest -------Also I did not like this line too
I hope I find out, where is my destiny------This was good
So basically you are just rhyming and you forget what the message is about. Anyways keep the good work up.
I suggest you remove this too, you dont need it to make the poem or song complete.
It rather makes it look incomplete.
I like it, but some of this pieces are not put in the right spot. (I think that's what I mean to say.) Like you could have made it less like that if you would've moved some of the lines around. It really doesn't have to look so uniform even if it looks better. It's a good song I just think it has the potential to be much better. I'm not the best critic, but I'm honest and I'll tell you what I liked and didn't like. I hope I helped you out with any thing that you will do in the future, and if this was just a waste of your time because you have heard it all already then I wish great minds don't think alike.
This is pretty nice, but the meaning of the song is a little unclear. For example:
If you're confused, why would you think you'd be heading in the right direction? It just seems a little odd.
It seems to me that the time to find destiny would be in youth, at the high point of life, the time of discovery and mystery and fear. Maybe use some more active verbs? "Discuss" especially just kind of slows the song down.
Who is the song directed at? "To be in with you" - is it a love song? If so, that could be a little more clear.
I like the idea and the theme and the structure, and the tag at the end is really nice. So overall this is pretty could, it could just use some revamping and polishing up.
Hey Anshita! I know you need reviews, and we have a place where you can post a link and ask people for reviews, rather than you bumping your own thread. It's the "Will Review For Food" thread -- it's located as a sub-forum to the Lounge in the Community forums -- and you can ask people for reviews there.
I'll give you a review now, since you have reviewed other works, I see, so I'll welcome you to YWS with this! Welcome.
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It's sound odd, saying that you need to "have" the right selection to be with you. You're talking about destiny here, so it seems the most appropriate word choice would be to say "I guess I need to make the right selection", as when regarding destiny it seems more appropriate to say we make selections rather than just having them.
I'm not sure it matters, as these are lyrics, so they would be sung, but I can't help but point it out -- the "its" is a contraction of "it is" so it should be "it's slowing".
"I guess I need to discuss" doesn't sound right with the whole rhythm of this thing, and "I need to discuss to be in the race" is an awkward sounding sentence, so I think this would sound better phrased "I guess I need discussion", turning that verb into a noun -- sounds better.
I like this ending to it.
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Alright, so there's my first lyrics review -- I don't know what more to say, as lyrics and songs always have such variance, and it's strange thinking of them without music, but I hope this is helpful. Please, consider checking out the Will Review for Food thread.
~ Clo
Hey guys...
Can you review this song...
I really like it and i will love to hear your suggestions..
please do review..
- Anshita