Anonymous99
The Thing in the Mist
A blur. That was all that could be seen amongst the blanket of mist that slept on top of the hill. A black blur, gradually growing and expanding like fresh water spilt on a serviette. One had to squint his eyes hard to see a mere outline of what looked like, well, it looked like nothing, unless you counted a misshaped circle as an object. In fact, one might say that it looked like Sicily if one really enunciated the faint outlines that conspicuously created- s-sorry, I'm rambling again.
Anyway, this... blur, it really was puzzling. It seemed to fade in and out of the mist, like water receding down a plug hole, when the plug is pulled out of course. Then, like a tortoise waking up from hibernation, it moved. Slowly at first, with its movements sluggish and tired. Gradually, it increased th peace, until there it was, a black blur, whizzing around in the mist, cackling like a child set free into a playground. It really was odd, this blur, and alas, when the mist finally rose of that secluded spot at the top of the hill, the blur vanished. Lost in the wonders and undeniably perturbing dimensions of the universe.
So, there I was, a newspaper in one hand, standing on the top of the misty hill. I saw it, believe what you will, but I saw it. I had the privilege of seeing the Thing in the Mist.
Let's hope that one day, you'll see it to.
- J
This is an interesting piece. Your wording is smooth and eloquent; it had a very classical feel to it, which is sometimes hard to pull off.
"In fact, one might say that it looked like Sicily if one really enunciated the faint outlines that conspicuously created- s-sorry, I'm rambling again." I really liked this line, but you might consider removing the stutter; it doesn't seem like something your narrator would do. He/she seems more the type to composedly interrupt him/herself. Just personal opinion, feel free to ignore it.
My only beef with this...is that it's so short. You set up an intriguing story hook (The Thing in the Mist), along with a narrator who has seen this Thing firsthand. Considering your writing style and skill, I think you could elaborate on this story quite well. Since your story IS in the humor category, you have some room to get crazy with your concepts. Just something to consider. You've certainly piqued my interest.
For a short read, it was entertaining. Keep up the good work, and please let me know if you decide to elaborate on this!
Thanks so much for your review. I found it really helpful and will take on board what you have said! Much appreciated
and you never know, I might just continue this one 