Hey guys, this is the rest of chapter one. I promise you'll get more info in the next chapter or so.
“About time,” she sighed as she put her iPod away.
“Sorry, I ran into someone,” I explained.
“Who?” Heather asked as she pulled out of the Circle K.
“Duncan Finny.”
“Oh,” Heather said with a little disappointment in her voice. “So, do you think Clarence will be there?”
Clarence Stewart was this month’s crush for me. He was all I thought about or cared about when it came to guys. It’d be a miracle if he were at the party.
“No way,” I smiled. “Clarence is too badass for this party.”
“All the more reason he should be there.”
“Clarence Stewart is gorgeous,” I declared. “And he’ll be mine, soon enough.”
Once we made it to the party I felt a little at ease with the situation. The guys were hot, the music was decent, and there was a keg along with other drinks on what appeared to be the bar.
“Go grab me a drink?” Heather asked as she nudged me towards the keg.
I took off and poured her a beer. I was fine with my soda so I skipped out on the beer for myself.
By the time I got back to Heather I saw two guys surrounding her.
“Here you go,” I handed Heather her beer.
“Thanks, Ashley this is Frank and Ed,” Heather said as she introduced each guy to me.
Though I couldn’t care less about the two collegians I managed to greet each guy with a kind smile. “Hi Frank, Ed.”
“Well, Frank and I will be getting a little fresh air,” Heather explained as Frank took her hand and led her away.
I was left with Ed, more than likely I had to play babysitter and keep him busy.
“So, Ed, do you…want to dance?” I asked as I realized there was nothing better to do.
“Sure,” he grabbed my arm and led me to the dance floor.
I didn’t want to dance or be with Ed the College Guy. But Heather was my friend so I would stick it out for her.
When we got tired of dancing we found a quiet place to hang out.
“So, you’re in high school?” Ed asked as he sipped on what was his fourth beer since I met him.
“Yeah, eleventh grade,” I nodded as I edged away.
“You’re young, but you’re hot, so that’ll do.”
Was he serious?
That was when I grew more uninterested in him. He smelt like he’d been drinking all day and he clearly was a perv if he thought he could score with a high school girl, aka an underage girl.
I decided to laugh to get through it all; I mean what else was there to do? Heather was gone and there was only Ed the Dreadful.
He started talking about his college life. The more he talked the more I drank. After a while I ran out of my soda and had to switch to coolers, as I was in-between occasional head nods and ‘oh’s’ and ‘ah’s.’
Ed kept going on and on. I kept thinking ‘this is how I am going to die, with this loser talking to me.’ After a while I was buzzed and completely filled with boredom. It was time to turn things up. I leaned in and kissed him. It was the only way I could think to stop his talking. So until the party was over I made out with Ed the Drunken Talker. Heather said the party would be chill. Puh-lease.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, Wheadee. I'll give a quick general review as your grammar and punctuation is generally fine. Could I suggest you make a novel page for this? It's so much easier to find the chapters that way, so we don't have to sift through General Fiction.
Yeah, I noticed on the first part that you pointed out the storyline was clichéd, and I can only agree based on this piece. There's very little here to keep us engaged. I think you can expand a little on the party atmosphere and the MC; she's obviously not as shallow as her friend Heather, but there's still little for us to connect with other than her party lifestyle. You had more of a cynical tone in the first chapter, which made for a better read; here, the MC is degraded to just reporting on the party and how boring her life is.
Now, there's no sign of Duncan in this part, though we've seen him in the previous 'scene'. Use Ed as a counterpoint for Duncan's character if you want. Contrast him with whatever interests your MC about Duncan. It actually seems like you could develop the character, and the MC's drinking throughout his rambling is a good idea. She seems oddly vulnerable, unable to stand up for herself. Maybe Ed makes a move on her? How would she react to that? I just think there needs to be something more to keep us reading here. A segment of minimal plot movement can be remedied if you include some character growth.
Anyway, that's all from me. As Lava said, the tone you use is readable and in some parts very engaging; I think once you get some consistency and focus to your writing, you'll overcome the clichés.
- Jet.
Hiyo there!
Just a quick review. I skimmed through parts one and two after I read this.
Now, first thing is, I like the tone you used in those two chapters. Especially the first. And it seems to have changed a bit in the chapter.
Since, I read only this part, I'll give a couple of general thoughts.
As a standalone part, this needs some spicing up. It's pretty cliched. I'm not against that, but try adding some good imagery/emotions/angstiness (:P) to make us feel more connected to it.
Your characters are agreeable and this, being a party, you can show us more of their characters. I think you can use this bit for some good character development.
I didn't find any major grammatical errors. So, yay!
Cheers,
~Lava