The infinite darkness above me, gave me a feeling of lonesome. The deep sensation of everything being so big, yet you alone are so small. It always comes when you are alone. When your eyes are filled with tears. When your stomach protests with hunger, because you haven’t eaten in days. Yes, the infinite darkness above me gave me a feeling of unimportance. I am no use, in this world of animal instincts, different priorities, and most of all fear.
Yet I was lying there. Gripping the grass wet with evening dew with my fingers. Trying to assure myself, that I am better off alone. That people like me need to be isolated. That is what he always said. You are no use, you are not good enough, he would say. Just look at yourself. A piece of such, rubbish born into a genuine family. I could hear his voice ring in my head. The terrible voice filled with ignorance, and despise.
I did not deserve what I had, I was a waste of time and space. So I ran. I ran from my problems, I ran from my previous life, just like a rat running from a sinking ship. No matter how far it felt, it was just right there behind me. Maybe a step ahead, or a step behind.Out here I realised, that I will never be far enough.
I stood up. I shivered in the cold summer breeze. Picked up my lousy sac, and headed deeper into the forest. Away from city life. From civilization. Walking through the forest I started feeling the sleepless nights closing in on me. I had no more power to keep going, I needed a place to rest
It was a dark night, but I still kept walking. What if I am not far enough? What if once I stop, it, it would get me? My past, my present, and probably my future... As all those thoughts were in my head I felt a tear slowly slide from the corner of my eye, down, down my cheek and stopped near my chin. I wiped it off.
Right in front of me I saw a road. I felt a suden urge to cross it. Rushing through it. Stumbling over.I saw a light. Bright light causing pain to my eyes, making my pupils shrink. Sudden hit to the chest everything turned pitch black. I did not feel pain, no, it felt nice. Finaly peacefull, warm, comforting silence filled my ears. No more thoughts of doom, no thoughts of concern and aprihension, no thoughts at all. I felt my head hit the ground.
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138,256 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this was quite an interesting little story...definitely has quite a lot happening in it...and it looks like a lot of raw emotions being built into it as well. Well..more details on all of that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...that is quite the start to that story. This is definitely giving off quite some epic vibes there from that one there. Darkness is definitely something that can cause a lot of things and having it be sort of stifling the narrator here is definitely creating a pretty powerful image for the start here.
Well that's definitely not hinting at anything possibly good...it all looks like the result of being exposed to someone quite horrible that has left our protagonist here mentally scarred for life and now it looks like this is spiralling horribly into this person just repeating whatever horrible things they heard to themselves and just confirming it....and well...such things just never end well.
Oh yeah...well running from those problems, that's interesting, it looks like this person is not just suffering from having being mentally abused and then made to believe all these horrible things but is also trying to run away from it somehow...well this is getting sadder by the minute now.
Okay now its starting to look like they've been thrust in some sort of situation where they've got nowhere to go and are just scrapping by trying to survive the world and is now struggling without sleep and food, okay...welll let's see what that pans out to be.
Okay...the thing this person is trying to outrun now feels like it might just be some kind of animal or maybe even some supernatural monster or something because the way its written that's how it seems at any rate which adds another dimension to this....so...okay.
Aaand it just ends in straight up death...well that's...terrible...yeah...well it definitely looked like it was headed towards a horrible ending but then a death by a road accident while running away from something...well...bit bittersweet I suppose...after all, they can finally rest now.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...an interesting read at any rate...just a bit of a spiraly tale of sadness this one...but ehh...it does a good job at that
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! You'll have a blast, I promise you.
So, the very first sentence of this threw me off.
There are two things wrong here: One, the comma isn't necessary, and it's kind of confusing. Two, the word "lonesome" doesn't work there. Lonesome is an adjective, and the words "a feeling of" set it up so that there should be a noun there. Loneliness would work better. That's not a very good way to start of the story. It doesn't give me a feeling that the rest will be well-edited.
Wriskypump already tackled the "deep sensation" thing, so I'll say that perhaps you should replace "big" and "small" with more... professional words. Huge, vast, minuscule, minute, etc., etc. There are so many wonderful words to choose from there. "Big" and "small" aren't the best.
The transition to this sentence seemed a little rocky to me. Maybe you could put something like "that sensation" at the beginning to smooth it out a bit.
One: I don't really like the word "yes" here. Perhaps you should remove it?
Two: Maybe you could find another way to say "infinite darkness", since you just used it a few sentences ago in the same paragraph.
Remove the first comma (after "use"). It sounds a bit awkward. Or you could reword the sentence so that it's at the end. Or follow Wriskypump's advice.
No comma. As my teacher once said to my class, you throw commas like confetti! XD
This is leaving me curious as to who "he" is, but I get the feeling that it's supposed to be that way. I like the sense of mystery it leaves on the reader. Good job there!
The comma shouldn't be here, but it sounds like you're trying to get a feeling of somebody thinking for the right word to use here. If that's the case, then an ellipses would work better than a comma. Also, italicizing "rubbish" would have more of an effect. So the new sentence would look like this:
See? Much better, isn't it?
I agree with Wriskypump here that the first sentence should be in the previous paragraph so the next can pack more of a punch in this one. The only other nitpick is that the comma after "realised" is unnecessary. Otherwise, this paragraph was fantastic. The simile was spot-on, and I just generally enjoyed the description of how the running felt. It conveys the panic and danger very nicely. Great job on this paragraph, truly.
This bit was very choppy. You could link it together in one sentence by adding a conjunction or a comma so that it's like this:
Or this:
I also like the "cold" part, because it sounds very foreboding. A warm summer breeze is happy-dappy romantic, but once a cold summer breeze comes along, you better run, because something dark is about to happen. Also, the next sentence is great. Seriously. That is some stunning word choice!
The last paragraph seems really lazily written to me. Just because it's the last and you're feeling a bit tired doesn't mean you can just give up on it!
Every sentence in this bit is a bit wonky. My edits to it are in bold. There are certainly other ways to edit this, but since this whole part is a bit of a mess, I added what I thought was best. Also, your wording seriously deteriorates at the end. The rest of this story has been a nice bit of showing and not telling, and then suddenly you stoop to just blatantly stating everything, and it's kind of boring. For instance, this:
Whoop-de-doo. The rest of this piece is so much better than that; I know you can make it more interesting. Please don't be lazy.
I also agree with Wriskypump that the "no thoughts at all" bit would have been a better ending. It has more of an impact on the reader. The head hitting the ground is sort of a final thought, which you don't want because you just said that there are no thoughts. If you want to keep it though, either have it come earlier or put it in it's own little paragraph, like this:
Okay, that was a very long nitpicky section of this review. Now, I shall review content!
I didn't really get much feeling from this. It seems like it's trying to be purple prose-y, but doesn't really succeed. Also, you alternate between showing and telling. The showing parts tend to be much better than the telling, but it's kind of uneven.
The concept itself is a bit tired, and you don't seem to bring anything new to it. I guess that's why I can't really say that I liked this, but I can't really say that I disliked it either. It's sort of... meh. I think you would improve by showing and not telling a bit more, and as Wriskypump said, fleshing it out. It needs a lot of polishing.
I'm sorry if this review seemed harsh, but I hope you can improve from it.
Hello,
My first thought while reading was that this was going to be a story about transformation, about how finding where it is exactly you fit in and are meant to be. I didn't think that the main character was going to commit suicide, so the ending was a little jarring for me. The length of this I like -- while it's short, it's able to effectively convey both the emotion and imagery that is necessary for this piece to be successful.
So, what didn't I like about this? It's more technicality than anything, that I think is holding this piece back. You're able to convey the imagery effective (I imagined this happening all very clearly in my head) but the emotion of the character is lacking. She wants to commit suicide? Show us that. Show us why she feels the way she does. Show us her emotional journey, and then this piece will be successful.
Best of luck! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS, I hope you will enjoy it here
Now to see to your story here. I guess I'll just kind of review as I go, kind of some nit-picks first and then once I'm done, I'll give you my assessment about your piece overall. So, here we go!
This may be a really nit-picky way to start, but I think to say 'deep sensation' there in the first paragraph kind of goes without needing to say deep, and I think that because from the rest of the sentence I'm already getting that staring-up-into-the-universe-full-of-stars-at-night vibe, but if you do want to attach an adjective to sensation then, it may evoke a more powerful sensation in the reader if you use a deeper word than deep. Now, you can totally ignore anything I say, this is your work.
I think that a comma is not needed when using because. However, the pause felt needed there, so it still read well.
"I am no use, in this world of animal instincts, different priorities, and most of all fear." -- In this sentence it is kind of unnecessary to pause after use, but if you want to accentuate that part, it could be cool to make, I am no use, a sentence on its own, and take up from there. And also you do need a comma right before fear. What helps me discover if I should use a comma or not, is to read it out loud and feel if there is sort of a pause or not, and if it feels like there should be, then I put a comma. That's just what I do tho.
"Gripping the grass wet with evening dew with my fingers." -- As soon as I read this it sounded awkward to me. Mostly because it was difficult from the word arrangement to tell what parts were grass and what part went with the fingers. If I were to rewrite it, it might sound something like this: Gripping grass wet with evening dew, between my fingers. There a comma kind of scrunches the dew back up with the grass, and those withs that were so close together gave me trouble, and between shows how the fingers are more doing the gripping. I do like how you started the sentence with gripping though because then the grass fits right in between the fingers, and it becomes a nice little imagery thing.
Trying to assure myself, that I am better off alone." -- Again, this part could run smooth without the comma. And same with this part -- "A piece of such, rubbish born into a genuine family."
Now, I am interested in knowing who he is. Why should he strike the narrator so hard? Like is he her father, or her uncle, or her friend, or brother or what. Give us a little more connection and strike us as the reader hard, by establishing a better link between the characters. Just anything more than a pronoun would make us feel more for the main character there.
I'm not sure of this one, but despise, while I understand what that part is saying, the word seems out of context in that use, and might be more proper as something like, contempt.
I did not deserve what I had, I was a waste of time and space." -- For one, this seems like it still is what He was saying, so put it on the end of the preceding paragraph maybe, so we know what it belongs to? If indeed it does refer to something he said. And, what you have there is two sentences, so break it in two, or give it a semi-colon;
So I ran." -- I love this transition part! And it would be even more excellent if it started off the paragraph. It would have such Bang! to it.
"I ran from my problems, I ran from my previous life, just like a rat running from a sinking ship." -- This is two sentences as well. And I like the simile. The rat has nowhere to go but to the sea, to drown. Chilling. Good job.
No matter how far it felt, it was just right there behind me." -- that needs two commas to go completely around, it felt, -- same thing here around, I realized, -- Out here I realised, that I will never be far enough.
: ) I like the cold summer breeze part because I think of a summer breeze as warm, and to see it cold there, makes me think perhaps the character is perceiving it cold because she feels the emotions inside herself as lonely and detached and stuff.
"Picked up my sack..." is not a sentence on its own, and should be attached to the breeze part with a comma.
Away from city life. From civilization." -- you have two sentences there. I guess you want emphasis. May I suggest repeating Away, in the second sentence too?
"Walking through the forest I started feeling the sleepless nights closing in on me. I had no more power to keep going, I needed a place to rest " -- a couple things. The first sentence is blastedly AMAZING, and the second one, really needs to be divided. Oh, and you missed the period after rest.
stopped near my chin." -- since you use "As all..." to start the sentence, it is happening present tense, and stopped is past tense with -ed on it.
sudden is missing a d.
Rushing through it." -- Rush through it because the mc is thinking of doing it, not doing the action at the moment. Same would apply to stumble.
A "bright light"?
Sudden hit to the chest everything turned pitch black." -- A "sudden hit"? And wedge an and between chest and everything? otherwise this can't be a full sentence.
Finaly peacefull," -- give finally two L's and peaceful one
apprehension
I dunno about this, take it for what you will, but maybe it would be a better ending with just "no thoughts at all..." not saying the head hit the ground. If you want that part tho, maybe move it up in the paragraph somewhere?
Okay, that is the end of the grammar and such. As for the content. The feelings I was feeling from this were chilling, mournful, grievous. It was good you could make me feel those things, as you want the reader to connect with the emotion. I think the actual writing when polished a bit, would do even more wonders for those feelings, make them terrifyingly gripping!
I think you could also flesh the story out some more with some background about the character too, or even more characters if you want. You see, I couldn't totally understand her motivation for feeling isolated. Give me an event or two to savor, to see what is compelling and driving her to step out in front of this car.
Keep practicing and coming up with great ideas! Have a great day!