When fine lines become blurred,
and your inner voice can't be heard
When worry turns to dread, dread to pain,
everything is different, will it ever be the same?
I'm on my knees in the middle of the night,
I'm losing my determination, I am trying so hard to fight.
Everything feels like it is falling apart,
and all of this is breaking my heart.
I am not who everyone thinks I can be
I don't feel like the good girl that everyone sees.
I am hiding things from everyone I love,
I am so deep in this hole and crying out to God above.
They say I am a role model, can that be true?
I just wish i could start over, write this whole chapter anew.
I have talked about it and let it all go,
So tell me, now, why can't I know
that my mistakes don't define who I am?
Why do my words go unspoken?
What can I do to stop feeling so broken?
Who can I trust? Who can I lean on?
What do you do when your whole life just
crumbles?
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Well, hello! Nire here to sleep. Wait, what?
Like everyone said, RELATABLE. That it is!
There it is!I'm sorry.
To review.
I was looking for that one writing which will just force me to write a review! Guess i've found one! Well, to be frankly honest with you, it is great!
Wait, this is not even near to a REVIEW! Why do people write such wonderful stuff where Nire can't even review! I'm outta words.. Apologies.. *reads the poem again*
Okay, so what this isn't a review! I know i'm pathetic! But, you're great! Like Annaclare said,
May the odds be ever in your favor~
-Nire
I'm sorry again
Haha thank you!!
I can totally feel the deep emotion that is attached to this poem. Its practically impossible to miss. I loved it. And I can relate to it. I guess that's why it hit me so hard reading it. Anyways, about the structure of the poem. Everything seems close to perfect except for the line that says "I have talked about it and let it all go". I feel like there is a better way to describe this line, like maybe not being so blunt with this line. Use some extra creative words to really spice it up. And the line "So tell me, no, Why can't I know" is this a conversation? It was a little difficult to grasp as well. Just experiment a little with words. And that applies to the rest of poem. The questions maybe a little too blunt. You could totally turn it around. But, like I said... I felt the depth and the emotion of the poem, and that is the important part. That's what grasps the reader in the first place. Its amazing how through words, one person can know and feel the emotions of another. But that's what happened. Anyways, let me stop rambling. I really enjoyed this poem, and thank you for posting it. I hope you have a nice day.
Thank you!
Hello. You ask a lot of good questions in this poem. Such as: 'I am so deep in this hole and crying out to God above.
They say I am a role model, can that be true?' I think your writing speaks into the heart of the reader and as they read your work it also makes them question their own lives and ideas etc.
Which can be very useful for a writer. I think poetry like this helps us to better understand our abilities. And your writing is clear and easy to read with a constructive tone. Well done!
Thank you!!!
Hey hey!
So, this poem is so deep on so many levels. It really spoke to me, and I as I was reading I was becoming more and more aware that I have felt this way, and have gone through that whole stage of brokenness and crazy pain. So, I can tell you write now that this poem was amazing! I couldn't stop reading, I needed to know more, I needed more to read! I loved it!
Anyway, I really like the flexibility of this poem. What I mean by that is that while I can totally tell that this poem has your personal touch, you have made it possible so that other people can also personalize it.
Now, the way I personalized this is that I thought about my life, my mistakes, and secrets. Some of failures left me broken and full of pain. But, during this time I thought that I had to be quiet and act like nothing was wrong. The more I went on like this the more my life got split into two separate lives. Finally, when the pain had overwhelmed me and I couldn't handle it I told people how I was feeling. I think that this poem sorta narrates my story. That's how I think it is flexible.
One of my favorite parts was the ending. I like the questions. "Who can I trust?" "Who can I lean on?" What do you do when your whole life just crumbles?" These questions not only make me reflect on my past and how my pain had come and gone, but these questions that I believe everyone asks, admit it or not. I know I have... countless times. Anyway, I really liked that spice to your poem.
Overall, this is one of the best poems I have read in a while. Whether that is because of the relatability or because it was so well written, or maybe a bit of both. I know that you have a lot of talent! I love your poems and I hope you keep writing, because your messages are important and need to be heard!
Stay classy and write on!
-Annaclare
Thank you so much. That means a lot %uD83D%uDE0A
Hi Anna,
I really liked this poem! It is quite relatable, and it seems to be a fairly common topic. I'm just going to go over a few things here.
I think you should just take out the "so" here, it kind of throws off the rhythm of that line.
Same thing here. The line reads better without the "so"- "I am deep in this hole and crying out to God above."
This line seems a bit shorter, and slightly choppy as well. I might add a syllable, perhaps, "They say I am a role model, how can that be true?"
The second I should be capitalized here just for consistency.
What is the "no" doing in there? It doesn't quite make sense to me.
This whole part didn't make sense to me. "Why can't I know that my mistakes don't define who I am?" It sounds like the MC does know, so why is he/she asking? I'm just rather confused by this section.
I feel like the ending could have been a little bit more crisp and drive the point home, but it's pretty good as is. I like how the last line stops rhyming, like the consistent structure of the poem is gone like the consistent structure in the MC's life is gone.
Anyway, I do like the idea of this piece, although the last parts could use a little bit of work. Great job overall!
Keep writing!
-Falco