Guards, slaves, and cooks ran around the castle everywhere gathering any items they can. How could one threat cause so much panic, chaos? They can’t really harm us. Can they? That’s at least what Zoe thought as everyone in the castle was ordered around and gathered our supplies. Not in a thousand years did she ever think they were going to leave the castle. The kingdom she grew up in, where her mother made a family, where she made friends. But now they're moving, just like that. No fighting at all, isn't that what was supposed to do though? Protect our kingdom, and help it thrive?
Zoe mother stood by the stars to the main floor. Her belly which grew ever so big didn’t help in the slightest bit of the crowd. Her father stood beside her gliding her down the steps.
“clear a path,” the king said, “come on people, there is a pregnant woman here.”
He always seemed so in charge, to into things, and mean. You can’t forget the “mean” part. At least that was her opinion.
“Majesty,” she said walking up to him and her mother.
“I can help mother the rest of the way.”
Her father looked at her with a proud smile, “thank you, Zoey.”
He let go of her hand and kissed her mother on the cheek.
“I’ll meet you in the carriage Alivia” he pulled away nodding at his daughter then ran off.
Zoe helped her mother the rest of the way to the carriage. When they got there, Seward was waiting by the door.
“Hello princess,” he said, then he turned to Alivia “good morning, my queen.”
He bowed and took her hand helping her up the steep. Zoe waited and watched, her eyes moving over the slight designs of the carriage.
“Seward?” her mother said, “could you fetch Thrin? I want her to ride with us in case something happens to the baby.”
Seward nodding his head, and bowed once again “of course.”
Zoe watched him walking away awkwardly, “Umm” she started.
Alivia looked at her with a face saying what it is? “ I forgot one thing, I’ll be right back.”
Zoe disappeared back into the heated castle, leaving her behind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hey Anma! So I was drawn to your story by a) the title and the b) the categories. I'm glad I clicked it to give it a read!
Link to a guide is here: Punctuation within Dialogue. Let me know if you need me to elaborate or point some out! (The rules are a tad tricky but it'll be second nature soon enough!)
Ooh, so what IS going on that makes them want to flee the castle? What kind of threat? I hope we get it illuminated later on. It must be something truly horrible, because what I imagined in a threat would usually be a castle preparing for siege or something akin to that. Two things that bothered me about it here is:
a) If the king and queen and princess must flee, wouldn't they do it...more covertly? Just wondering. I always imagined that in such situation, the best thing to do is to get them out as quickly and quietly as possible so as not to draw attention to them. And also, somebody must run the castle in the meantime and maintain order I suppose since they're gone.
b) I'd love to see more description like FlamingPhoenix said. More depictions of how panicked everyone is. Maybe more hints about the danger. One or two sentences of servants running around doesn't give me enough panic here to be really clinging to your story. But! Assuming this is a first draft, this can easily be remedied by future drafts.
One final critique-y thing I have is more of a grammar thing, but your dialogue punctuation might need some touch-ups
I know my review is a bit critical, but I'm definitely invested in the story. I'm curious - is there going to be a hunt? What is the danger? And also because of the presence of royalty. Gimme all the princess and palace stories chock full of adventure.
Let me know if you need anything!
-Ink
Thank You!
Hello, @Anma! FlamingPhoenix here with a review on your work like you asked. Okay I'll try and make this a bit short, but I am making no such promises.
Okay let's begin.
So out of the whole chapter I saw only two things that need to be fixed.
You see the word in bold I think you meant to spell it like this, 'Zoe's' because your talking about her mother
Now onto the next thing.
Now this the word that is in bold here I think you meant to say, 'step'?
Well that's all I can point out that is wrong.
This was a really cool way to start your story, It got me hooked right away, and I couldn't stop reading. I think what matters the most when writing the first chapter to a book is to make sure you have your readers hooked, and as I said you did just that.
I can say I would have liked some more description, but for now the description at the beginning of the chapter was enough to tell me what I needed to know for now.
I really like the characters you have showed me at the moment, and I would love to get to know them better in the next chapter.
I also don't like it that you left me on a cliffhanger, so you better post the next chapter soon, because I hate to have to wait. XD
Great job with this chapter, I loved reading and reviewing it for you. I hope you will keep writing amazing things, and never stop writing. I hope you will have a great day/night.
Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you!
You're welcome!