Lonely valentine

Lonely Valentine

On this fine and exhilarating day,
Freindship and precious love flys the bright streets.
Show your freinds your love and kindness you may,
or you can your one, special, true love meets.

I pray that I would be oh so lucky,
and that one may look at me with love.
He will see me as a precious ruby,
and carry me to devine skies above.

I am but a silly, lonely dreamer,
you don't want to see me, or see me not.
And I so truly wish it was other,
For you never give me a second thought.

Come and love me on this magical night,
for I have always wished to see love's light.

Comments & reviews · 8
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
FLyerS
Review
FLyerS wrote a review · Tue Feb 16, 2010 1:54 am

Hello Animia, I hate love poems. The language in this one was awkward. Overall, I didn't like it. I'm going easy on you 'cuz your a newb. You can do well. Abandon love as a poetic device. WWWWAAAAAAYYYY over-used.
I will look over you other works... If you have any yet, I'll have to check.

User avatar
Howler
Review
Howler wrote a review · Tue Feb 16, 2010 1:14 am

I think everything that can be said to critique this piece has been said, and I've gotta agree with just about everything. Aside from those, I'm on the agreement that this is a good piece. I say that to just about every piece I review, but it's because the writer always wants to think that about their own piece before they share it. Hearing it from someone else is always good for the writer. Besides, I'd seem cruel to go on a random forum and call it the worst piece ever. Everyone who posts something has to think it's good enough to share, so the writer's bravery is enough to prove that they like their piece.

I'm monologing a bit here. Let's get to the point of this; why I like this poem. It's relatable, mainly. I for one am on the loner side, and I wish for the best every day that I see what I want to see; love. But I never do :cry: . Your piece captures some very accurate emotions, and it makes it fun to read and it feels real.

Keep it up, and have a lucky day!

User avatar
IzumiRyuichi
Review

Hello Animia and welcome to Young Writers Society! My name is IzumiRyuichi, and I'm here for a quick review.
First off, great job on the poem. Your description of the thoughts of the girl amazed me. From the looks of it, you put lots of effort into making this.
Second, try to add a little of the pathos style. (Pathos is the style of writing that provokes emotions from the reader). If you do this, it will make your poem come to life. Try it in the future!

So once again, great job on the poem! I would like to read your others as soon as possible!

User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:02 pm

A nice poem. It was short and sweet and fitting for the holiday. My only minor quip is that you spell 'friends' wrong multiple times. Also, 'flys' should be 'flies'. Also, your rhyme scheme is a little messed up. The first stanza does not rhyme at all, the 2nd and first stanzas rhyme every other line, while the last stanza rhymes every line. I'd pick a consistent scheme so things are not so confusing for the reader.

Great job! PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

User avatar
callmeLily73
Review

Any person who is single on V-day, should be proud and should hang in there! I love your poem! Its really awesome and fits with today! keep on writing! :) 8) :lol: :P :wink: :!: :smt003 :smt002 :smt001 :smt005 :smt004 :smt039 :smt038 :smt035 :smt034 :smt031 :smt026 :smt024 :smt023 :smt020 :smt016 :smt006

Well I love this short poem. It fits with the holiday :)
This poem is a little cliche but somehow that makes the poem.
The sincerity of the wonder, the desire for first love. (well that's the vibe i was getting from the poem) It reminds me of a young teen, watching other people celebrate valentines day together whilst she is lonely as you put in the title :)Maybe extend it?
My only critique other than the spelling, is the simile you used to describe the future parteners emotions.
'He will see me as a precious ruby,and carry me to devine skies above'
You just leave it at that. I think this is a nice simile that should be continued.
(see it's not really a critique, but more of a request)

A really nice poem and please continue writing.
Pages.

Random avatar
fiction903
Review

Your poem was interesting.

Freindship and precious love flys the bright streets

Its Friendship
I like your word choice for this poem and the poem flows well.
Once you correct this spelling mistake your poem will be great.
I hope that helps.
Fiction



today we are possible.
— Lucille Clifton