Darius Onyx:
The last words of the sermon had been said and now the sanctuary fell into a loud echoing silence. It was almost as heart wrenching as the desperate sobs that rang though the hollow room earlier in the service. Just as I thought I was going to be completely suffocated by the silence: everyone stood. Elizadel Echoles was the very heart of this church, so of course everyone would say their goodbyes. The congregation quietly shuffled across the cobalt blue carpet that led to the alter. She lay in an elaborate dark cherry wood coffin. It was her final resting place; hopefully she liked the velvet lining. Casket was only open enough to see her head and the top of her neck. It was said the rest of her was just too gruesome to see. Though you could still see the deep gashes that ran down her neck. Her face was pale, touched by death, and her lifeless curls were sprawled out over the pillow her head rested on. I closed my eyes and took a deep calming breath before opening them again. Another look at Elizadel had me backtracking. Her once closed eyes were now open and staring right through me, and now right around her left eye was a small gold marigold tattoo. That was certainly not there before.
“Move it along, Son.” My dad’s malicious voice whispered into my ear. I looked up into his dark menacing eyes, and then once more at the girl. Her eyes were once more closed and any trace of the odd tattoo vanished. Maybe I needed some better sleep.
“Rest in peace, Elizadel.” I whispered to her, and suppressed a smile at my sick joke. To rest in peace was a far-fetched dream for most. In fact Elizadel herself had plagued many of my dreams with horrid death scenes that plunged me out of sleep on countless occasions. I turned around and made my way discreetly to the back pew. I slouched down and watched as the rest of church said their tearful goodbyes. The whole thing hadn’t really kicked in for me. She was dead, that had been obvious to me since the day she went missing.
There was an agonizing scream at the front of the sanctuary that snapped me out of my senseless thoughts. Shelia Echoles was being dragged away from her daughter’s coffin. Her raven black hair fell in her face as she thrashed in her husband's arms and she screamed and sobbed. My smile faded as I watched her being carried out of room. Several tearful women fell shortly after her. The civilized funeral was no more. As if it couldn't get any worse a shrill giggle echoed against the walls. The sound was familiar and bone-chilling. And truly unbelievable. Leaning over the coffin where her dead body lay, Elizadel clutched her stomach as she laughed evilly. She looked up and her red-tinged blue eyes locked on mine, piercing my soul. Her now lively hair flowed around her face and she gave me sinister smile. "Catch me if you can, Dari." Her high-pitched voice was sing-songy and made my stomach turn. With one last laugh, she vanished.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I want to thank you all for your comments. I will definitely edit it more. A lot of the questions you have are actually what I was aiming for. It is a prolouge and I realize the character development is off. It will get better in the first chapter. Also his feelings towards Elizadel will make more sense as the story goes on. I don't want to give away anything on that part and it thrills me that you question it. I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I will work on it some more and edit soon. Thanks for the input. It's greatly appreciated.
I really enjoyed reading your piece and felt it was well described although at times a bit cliché. The first paragraph sets the atmosphere for the piece and I felt that this was well done. There is also quite a lot of mystery in this paragraph but I suppose this is to be expected, it is a prologue after all.
The paragraph also seemed a bit disjointed at times and you should work on the rhythm of the piece a little more. I felt that you communicated the numbness the speaker must be feeling quite well, this must have come as a shock to everyone and I am eager to find out what had caused her death. And why she has come back to haunt the speaker.
I liked the last paragraph the most. It is what really drew me further into the story. I'm looking forward to the rest of it.
Keep it up!
Hey there!
I liked your story, although it was pretty short, you captured the emotions of both the character and other side characters. It was slower paced at the start but then the excitement caught up in the last paragraph. However I have to admit this is one of the typical demonic/horror stories that many people have grown to like and thus it still makes a good story, depending on how you tell it.
"Her once closed eyes were now open and staring right through me, and now right around her left eye was a small gold marigold tattoo. That was certainly not there before. "
These two sentences were the giveaway. The phrase "certainly not there before" already brings me to expect something relating to Elizadel will happen. It's good to let your readers have some information but withhold other bits of it. In this case, it was a little too fast when you said that her eyes which were closed before had opened.
The next part was the one I thought could use a little improvement, especially on the realistic side. After he saw that Elizadel had changed, her eyes opened and there was the tattoo around her eye, he was shocked at first. He seemed somehow suspicious at first, then shrugged it off by saying "Rest in peace, Elizadel"? Wouldn't he have felt a little uneasy and alerted someone?
The last paragraph was pretty well done, and it was very descriptive. Both the part about Shelia being dragged out and Elizadel awakening as a different type of person. The cliffhanger was done well, but how did she vanish? Did she have some superhuman abilities which allowed her to run off? Or did she fly away, or even disappear in a cloud of smoke, which usually happens alot.
This was a good read though, I'm looking forward to reading further chapters!
Cheers, Lycando!
Atmosphere and emotions (or should I say emotionlessness) were the things that drew me into the story. This allowed me to (I have to admit) get a bit tense at the end when she giggled and sat up. It almost felt like the darkness of Silent Hill, but more real because of the literary aspect rather than the cinematic aspect. There were some things I saw, however.
First, I really enjoy it when people use such contradictions as "a loud echoing silence," but for the sake of others who don't think that way, it seems all to distant and is hard to understand. This is why I personally stay away from it unless it's clear to everyone or almost everyone who reads it. Otherwise, it appears as if your making a mistake. Secondly, There were some typing errors that, I'm absolutely sure, you didn't intend to make and would know to be wrong if you read over it again. Next, I thought describing the father's voice as "malicious" is a bit strange when the dead person is someone he hates. That part was confusing. Also, I would focus on your character development. You have the atmosphere down and the feeling of the world you're creating in the reader's mind, but you need to work on creating specific characters to personally understand. For instance, I wasn't exactly sure why the character was so hateful toward the dead person. I didn't feel a strong enough connection to the main character to feel the exact emotions he felt.
I've heard, lately, that I have the atmosphere of my stories down, but there are other things I need to work on. I think you're certainly the same way. I do, however, suffer with the character in an emotionless heart sometimes. Good work regarding everything else though and keep up the work.