Like concrete and lead

Hey, AngelBunnyroll! Scythe here for a quick review

Wow! This is amazing, I loved every word. It was so in-depth and emotional, almost like the real person was spilling their heart out right in front of you. I could sense a tone of understanding and realism (is this based on your experiences?)

Although, there are some issues. My issue is the formatting. The first word of every line should begin with a capital, the lines should not be as long as they are and then each section/idea should be separated into stanzas. Like so,

Laying in a bed
With a dreary cloud
above my head.

Who is going to hear me
When I start screaming
For help?

Limbs like concrete and lead.
Recently, I have begun to Wish
That I could be dead.
But, I stop to think,
About what exactly keeps me
From reaching over the brink.

To a place, where my voice is silenced
And the pain is numb.

I shall be honest, with everyone,
But myself.
These little words or thoughts
make feel so very very dumb.

Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I
Should write a final will

Eyelids like concrete and lead.
Like a little doll, way up high
On the shelf in an old antique shop.
Collecting dust and wishing
That I could hop and hop
To that stop sign
In front of the misery bus.

Maybe I can finally get back
To the place where warm smiles
And arms hold me.

I wish I could stay a while,
Instead of being hooked up
On some wheels
That decide to turn my feels
Into small glass,
which shatters on the ground.

A heart made of concrete and lead
Because to be truthful,
I wish you weren't dead
And I wish I could smile
But here I am,
with concrete and lead,
A body that feels so sad
Since that day.

You said I was mad,
For having a love of 7 years
And we are still going.

Maybe...
Maybe you were jealous after all,
Maybe you are the one
Like concrete and lead.

Hello Ace101 here to do a hopefully helpful review! so first I am going to start with the faults
so the biggest thing I think, is that some sentences start with capital letters and others don't, all of your sentences, should start with a capital letter, bye that I mean like, this is just an example,

Banana's fly past my head,
I wish to fly past my bed,
With a wish of Banana Cream,
I dream a wonderful dream.

that was just a stupid example but do you kind of get it, like a comma at the end of every thing and then a capital letter after the comma on the next sentence, I hope you could understand that, sometimes I do not explain stuff well but I hope I did, um, I don't really see much else wrong with your poem, I really enjoyed reading it!!
It is really a lovely poem so great work and I cant wait to see more of your work out on YWS!


Ace101 out!

This was awesome! I really enjoyed the entire poem and the message. I'm not sure if I'm right (I'm not to familiar with poetry but I'm learning!) but I'm pretty sure the poem was about someone struggling with the grief/loss of a dead significant other?

I can't critique it much since I'm not to familiar but I can say that it was easy to read and overall not bad to look at, so it had a good appeal. Thanks for writing!