z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I'll write what's mine

by AngelBunnyroll


There once was a time

Where I wasn't sure what to do

You were mad at me

for something only you were to fault at

so I went on my laptop

searched up some sites and made my accounts

because I began to notice that it seemed

like total strangers had no control of what I wrote

you became furious with me and tried to put the blame

Except you don't get to choose what I write and how I write it

You were supposed to help me but instead you decided what I wrote

letter for letter and word for word

none of it was truly mine

so now I am here, on a website for writing

I hope you found it in yourself after this

that you can't bully someone to do what you want to do

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456 Reviews

Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

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Sun Feb 05, 2017 12:34 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hello there! Welcome to YWS.

I don't normally review poetry, but I saw this in the green room and decided to take a stab at it (I'm trying to get more into poetry myself) so here we go!

I think my favorite part about this poem is the story and meaning behind it. I like how you wrote a poem about YWS (or, any writing website, really) but there's more to the story than that. The whole "making someone do what they want" is a neat concept, and I like how it was incorporated into this.

I also think the last line was very nice; I thought it cemented the poem into the ground, if that makes any sense. Just ties the poem together nicely (in this case, I don't think with a neat bow but certainly a tight one!).

The flow feels a bit clogged up at times or doesn't read smoothly. Punctuation is great for fixing this, but it's not completely necessary if you don't want any commas/periods in there. You can always go with line breaks, which is just separating the lines at different times to smooth-en up the piece. Both would work, too!

Word choice is something else that can be played around with, too, if you're looking for improvement. For instance,

You were mad at me


To me, this seems a bit bland and doesn't pack a punch. Exchanging "mad" for something else entirely can make it a bit more specific and not make it seem very general. Even omitting then line entirely and replacing it with something like "Your fierce eyes cut into me" makes it more specific and shows the reader more emotion.

I think that's all I have to say. If you've got any questions about the site, please let me know! Have a good day.

~EternalRain




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26 Reviews

Points: 160
Reviews: 26

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Fri Feb 03, 2017 3:16 pm
alexblackwell wrote a review...



Hello there AngelBunnyroll!!
I see you are a new member here! Welcome to Young Writer's society!
Now, I can clearly make out the meaning of this poem. I hope this is not based on true events. No one should be forced to write something they don't want to.
Personally, I like to read poems that rhyme, but this is another of my exceptions. This is a fairly good poem and I look forward to reading more of your work.

''for something only you were to fault at'' I find the word fault a little disrupting to the flow, maybe you could you could write it as ''For something only you are to blame for'' This a personal opinion, feel free to accept any advice or go with what you've written.

''like total strangers'' Like? I didn't get it. Could you please explain?
''... I am here,'' Maybe you could use a semicolon instead of a comma.
''..I hope you found it in yourself after this..'' Again, I didn't understand this line, either.

Keep writing. Here at YWS, no one will force you to write a particular way.
Hope you have a nice day!
Cheers!
Alex Blackwell.





Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon