Young Writers Society

I really like the three line intro thing. I think that the reader had no idea what's going on is what makes said reader want to read on and find out what is going on. To me it's intriguing. The only thing I'm going to tell you to go back and rework the first sentence. The other two have an eloquence to them. The first seems rushed and somewhat common compared to the rest. I do agree; though, about the phrase about the mind, body, and soul, it's an overused phrase.

I know i said i would write but lately i havent had much time...to busy with school and work...but dont fret i will return to it shortly.

Ill probally continue this story tommorow itll be the 2nd

please disregard that second one...i accidently hit submit twice

thank you both griffinkeeper and snoick for comments i was in a hurry and was trying to finish it so
i could give you an idea

thank you both griffinkeeper and snoick for comments i was in a hurry and was trying to finish it so
i could give you an idea

Dark Redemption
Into
The world may have been quite a place of beauty and amazement, but towards the end
of the 22nd century that all chaged. Secreats were uncoverd and shock took hold of earth
and its people. I was only eighteen when it happed but it always remains in heart, mind and soul.
It all began on December 31st.

im just going to start with an intro but tell me if you like this and i can continue. thanks

Well... it's not much to comment on, but there were several spelling errors. My finger was really hurting the other day, so I can understand completely if you typed too quickly to get it right, or perhaps the ideas were coming out too fast to be put down properly.

First of all, it's not into, it's intro.

Not chaged but changed.

Not secreats but secrets.

Not uncoverd but uncovered.

Not happed but happened.

As far as the story? It sounds cool. I just think it might be a little bit better if you hinted to the reader what was going to happen. For instance, when I first read it, I figured that there was going to be an earthquake, but upon rereading, it could be anything.

You might be able to do this if you improve your sentence structure a little bit. For instance, this sentence is a little vague and can convey much more power if you changed the words around a little:

"The world may have been quite a place of beauty and amazement, but towards the end of the 22nd century that all chaged."

Which world? When I first read this, I thought of Earth, but seeing as this is a sci-fi, it might be nice if you mentioned how the world was beautiful and amazing. If you described the violet skies, then people would be expecting it to be a sci-fi, so you prepare your reader for the story.

"Secreats were uncoverd and shock took hold of earth and its people."

In this sentence, you hinted that this world might be Earth, but upon reading it, I realized that the world you mentioned in the first sentence might or might not be Earth. That's where description comes in handy. When you describe, you set your readers up for an adventure or story (however you want to think of it). So more vivid description puts more vivid imagery in your readers minds. Remember, as a writer you are an artist, and it is your goal to put an image, whether abstract or realistic, in your readers' minds.

Also, remember what I said about word choice? When you say "shock took hold of the Earth" it conveys the image of an earthquake. But I'm not sure you want this image. Instead, I would describe the world in the first sentence, making sure the reader knows that it is Earth, and then go on to say that this mystery surprised everyone on the planet.

"I was only eighteen when it happed but it always remains in heart, mind and soul."

This sentence is good, as it sets up the story to be first person and past tense. But, there's one thing that is missing. Don't worry, it's a common mistake, but you need to have a possessive pronoun (I think that's what it's called, though I'm notoriously wrong for not knowing the correct names of those). Anyway, so you should write something like:

"I was only eighteen when it happed but it always remains in my heart, mind, and soul."

The introduction needs a little bit more work on it (I would love more description! ) but it looks to be an interesting story.