They told me not to be afraid of the dark. They said there was nothing to be scared of. But here I am, with the darkness closing in around me, and I'm frightened. No, I'm prettified. No one ever bothered to warn me about the feelings of pain, loneliness and emptiness that would slowly take over me. No one warned me about how I would lose all hope when I heard my mother sobbing in the corner of the room. No one warned me of the breaking of my little brother's heart. No one told me of the tears that would form in my eyes when felt my father squeezed my hand and heard him tell me it was okay to let go. No, they all told me it would be fine. They all told me that the darkness would take away the fear, pain, and suffering. They told me that when the darkness finally came I should be happy, happy that I wouldn't have to suffer any more. They all lied to me. It's not fine at all. I can still feel fear and pain and its 10x worse. I'm not happy at all. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my family or friends. I had so much planned for my life. I was going to make an impact! I was going to travel the world. I was eventually going grow up, fall in love, and start a family of my own. I can't do anything of those things now. My life is being cruelly ripped out of my heads. I'm too young to die! I still have so much I want to do. I have people I don't want to leave. I don't want to die.
These are all the thought I have, while lie here in this hospital bed. I can feel the life draining out of me. I hear the heart monitor start to lurch and jolt with horrid beeping noises. I can see a blurry vision of my mother crying into my fathers arms, through my tear soaked eyes. I can feel the coldness that is beginning to consume me. I can taste the rustiness of blood in my mouth. In the faint distance I hear I high pitch beeping noise that goes on for a very long time. And then, I see darkness.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi there,
Great story, I just have a few things to comment on.
<quote>No one told me of the tears that would form in my eyes when felt my father squeezed my hand and heard him tell me it was okay to let go.</quote>
Here, you can either write:
"... in my eyes when I felt my father squeeze my hand"
or
"... in my eyes when my father squeezed my hand"
I would also suggest to split the sentence up: Father squeezed my hand. When he said it was okay to let go.
Second paragraph (and title): These are all the thought<b>s</b> I have.
Paragraphing: press enter a few times between sentences. Right now, this is one big chunk of text followed by a little chunk of text. It's always a good habit to start a new paragraph when you change Time, Person, Topic or Place (TiP ToP). For example, new paragraph when she moves from talking about what is happening in the room at the moment, to talking about what people had told her.
All in all, your descriptions are good. You really put the reader at the scene and it makes it easy to imagine how she is feeling and what is going on in the room.
I know this was a short sketch so it probably wasn't scrupulously edited. If you wanted to polish the tone a little bit, I would recommend taking out "I can't do any of those things now." because that is obvious. Just move straight on to how that makes her feel.
That's all I have to say for now.
Oh, wow. This story almost made me cry! It was really good. The emotion in it is really pronounced and it has a sad feeling about it. You defiantly get to see the characters feelings. I liked the sharp ending, it really wrapped up the story well.
But I did see a few minor typos:
- in the first paragraph you spell "petrified" as "pettified".
- you say: " the tears that would form in my eyes when felt my father squeezed my hand" there should be an "I" between when and felt.
-you say "10x". That should be written out: "ten times"
That's really all that I saw. Except for the minor errors, it was a well written story. I really liked it, it was short but had a lot of feeling.
Keep Writing~
Fire