It's funny how people want action in their lives. They are never fully satisfied with the same old routines. They want something dramatic and life changing to happen to them, but if something dramatic does happen they don't like it. People are just greedy like that I guess. They want, and they take, and are never fully satisfied with what they have. I admit I was one of those people. We all are. We all want something to happen to us, no one likes a boring life. But when something big does happen we get angry and mad, and want things to go back to normal, and live a boring life again.
Well I'm wishing I could get rid of all the drama and action in my life. I'm wishing I could go back to my boring life, were I would wake up every morning and go to school, do my homework, and go to bed in a safe, warm house. I want to be able to spend time with my family and friends. But I can't....... every one I ever knew and loved are dead, and I am about to join them.
Its surprising that I'm the last one to go. I shouldn't have survived this long but I did. I guess I'm just lucky, or maybe I cursed. I'm the last to go, which means I watched all of them die. Some of them passed in their sleep. They were the lucky ones. Others died of the plague. They're skin turning brown and green, with blisters covering them oozing with blood, and puss. The rest were probably shot, or killed in the bomb raids. I don't really remember, and honestly, I stopped caring.
Any way your probably wondering how I got to this point. How did an ordinary girl like me, Melanie Harper, get to the point where people were dropping dead all around her, and not matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop it. Well I guess I'll tell you the story, using the little time I have left.
To be continued
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Hi Ang, here to review
I really liked your theme with this. It had a really good pace, you had varied sentences to stop it from becoming boring and dragging on. I think this was a really good opening and the cliff-hanger it left in was really good. Here are some improvements I'd like to mention:
1) More emotion! Okay, so all of her family and friends seem to have died. How is she feeling? You say she feels lucky and sad, for obvious reasons which is great. However, surely she should be feeling sad? Is she missing her mother or any siblings perhaps? Or maybe she's just accepted the fact that they're all gone, but I think you need to expand on this a bit more.
2)
As mentioned before, it was a good cliff-hanger to leave it on, however I'm really not fond of this ending. I mean, I've just seen it to many times. Personally, I don't really like the direct talking. And it's a really cliche idea to talk about the 'ordinary girl whose life turned upside down' (or something to that effect.) I think it's great that you're writing about it but maybe you add new things onto this idea that people have never seem before!
Another concern with this opening is presumably in the next parts you're going to tell us how she got this point. That's great, however we already know the ending now. It really takes away from it and I'm the kind of person who doesn't even bother reading a book/watching the movie if the ending was spoiled for me. If you want to follow through with this however, I suggest a play called 'Blood Brothers'. It starts at the end but it's not exactly what you're expecting.
Generally, I thought this was good! I think it could have done with a bit more imagery, and the points mentioned above- just something to think about. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
I like the idea for your story, the apocalypse theme is always fun to read! I like the character Melanie Harper. I feel bad for her, for having to watch these people die. It's descriptive. I also like the last sentence, it makes it sound like she's going to die soon, and I find it a bit like forshadowing.
I didn't like the last paragrapgh, though. To me, when you just tell about the character, it's like writing an essay and saying, "I'm going to tell you why I think you should do this." You know? It's not that it makes it bad, I just think it makes it sound kind of not great.
I like to think that there are two kinds of writers: those who can write, and those who tell stories. People who write are good with words. They may not be the best at making up a story (but could be great at it), but their word choice is amazing. Those who tell stories aren't necissarily bad with words, but have an amaziing choice of how a story plays out. Your sort of a mix of both, of what I can tell so far.
Hey Xanthe here
Firstly i loved this. I liked how you started the story with Melanie thinking about what had happened before, giving a background story to it all. It was nicely done so you weren't leacturing the reader.
You made the readers feel sorry for Melanie instantly. That was great because you have created a very strong character.
I also i love the cliffhanger as well, it did its job well. I really want to know what happens next.
And finally i did notice a couple of minor mistakes but these can all b fixed. I won't go through them all because i think they were covered in Paige's reveiw.
Welcome to the young writers society! Keep writing!
WELCOME TO YOUNG WRITERS SOCIETY!
I really like the idea of your story! The apocalypse theme is a very popular idea, but I really admire where you're going with the story.
It's very...apocalyptic, for lack of better word.
The feeling of finality, the main theme, is present throughout the whole piece, which is a really good thing. It keeps the idea alive, so that the readers stick to the idea, without the theme being over-bearing.
I liked the way that the character, Melanie, regarded her situation, as if she was saying, "So, this is the end." I think that's a great way to pick a title for a story!
I really enjoyed reading this piece!
One thing I would work to improve for the following parts of So This Is The End, is some of the grammar. I noticed a few errors here and there, but that's totally normal, so don't worry.
For example, in the 3rd paragraph, "Its" should have an apostrophe, and instead, be "It's." This, and other things like it, were really not that big of a deal, but it will really astound your readers if you work to apply simple corrections like that. Another quick-fix error is "Any way" in the last paragraph should actually be "Anyway," with a comma there too.
On the last note, I would work on adding commas in specific places, (most of the time, long sentences) to break up the sentence and make it easier to follow.
These things are really simple to fix, and really very small on the spectrum of improvements that an author could make to his/her piece. I think that if you scan your piece for easy corrections such as these, it could really improve the overall story. Instead of focusing on grammatical improvements, strict Grammar nerds like myself, would be able to focus more on the actual story.
When it comes to proofreading, maybe you could have a friend, or someone you trust, scan the paper for things like these corrections? Even still the errors are NOT at all a big deal. What you've written is really, truly, very good!
I really like the idea of the story and the attitude of the character towards her situation!
My favorite sentence was the last sentence, the cliffhanger. It's so great to utilize cliffhangers, because they keep the readers interested!
I look forward to reading more from you!
Keep writing!
With Love,
Paige
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