My Starry Eyed Girl by Ang920 — Poetry

Eros

Review

Eros wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2016

Hello there Ang!!

This is Eros here to write a review for such a sweet poem of yours!!

Let us begin by commenting on the title. The title was attractive and caught my curiosity. It compelled me to pause and peep in as to what does it want to say?!

And when I began reading this, I felt it was awesome! I loved the theme of the poem. It was unique and I liked how you have compared love with space. The eyes are reffered to as "starry". AWESOME! I liked the main idea on which this poetry is based on.

The next which comes is the presentation of the poem. The presentation was very good. Good done here also.

Then there is the criteria of presentation of the thoughts. I liked the way you have presented your thoughts. These were not just the thoughts, but the feelings and emotions which you have added here.

I like the choice of set of the words you have used. I like the adjectives and the words you have used to make the readers feel the poem.

The poem flowed very well, though there were no stanzas. But it's okay. This particular poem doesn't need one. It was all awesome!

GREAT POEM!

Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome and unique works, like this one.
Have a great day/night!!

pastelqueen

Review

pastelqueen wrote a review Review · Jun 28, 2016

Hello! I'm not really sure what else to say so I'll just get to the review!

I absolutely loved this poem! It just made me feel all fluffy and I could definitely feel all the love poured into this. Also it's combined with one of my favorite themes ever which is space! So I may or may not be a little biased on this. Just the all around emotion in this writing was so over powering

Which, I'm sorry to say, was kind of taken away from by the structure of the stanzas and rhyme scheme. the structure of the stanzas is rather confusing since there are no spaces in between them. Even if there are supposed to be no stanzas the rhyme scheme becomes really confusing by the end of it, which would be helped with the usage of stanzas. This is a personal preferences of mine becomes I really feel that the structure of a poem adds a lot to its quality.

I also feel like you could spend more time on the descriptions of the 'Starry Eyed Girl'. Instead of only using about one sentence to describe this one aspect of her, you could've used a whole stanza in order that aspect of her. Especially with the theme of space, it could have made the whole poem feel a lot bigger.

But all together this was a really sweet and captivating poem, just a few technical problems. I sincerely hope you continue writing.

insertwordshere

Review

insertwordshere wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2016

Hello there Ang920! Good morning/afternoon/night!
I personally really liked this poem and felt that it was really heartfelt, and I could just feel every emotion just coming out, especially with that beginning! It just started off so strong, but I felt that after that it became a bit more lackluster, and couldn't out do the beginning. Especially with the ending being gal instead of girl because I understand that you don't what to seem repetitive with the word girl, but I fell that to end with the word gal didn't really work out that well so me personally. Also kinda random, but there was a random slash in the beginning and that's all!

Keep on writing!
~insertwordshere

myjaspercat

Review

myjaspercat wrote a review Review · Jun 27, 2016

Hey Ang920,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review....

People may start to get annoyed from hearing this but as I always say, love poetry is so cliche. I guess I continue reading and reviewing it though because it has become my mission to find a good original love poem... Can you make the cut?

Oh and in case you didn't know what a cliche is ... Cliché refers to an expression that has been overused to the extent that it loses its original meaning or novelty. A cliché may also refer to actions and events which are predictable because of some previous events.

My starry eyed girl with the milky way hair
Oh how I love you so.
You transport me to galaxies far away
to planets not yet known.
When I am with you gravity has no effect ofon me.
You make me float above it all.
With you I fly up in the sky
trusting that I will not fall. Alright, this beginning is pretty cute.

My starry eyed girl you are the northern lights Maybe you could say, 'my northern lights' instead
you make the darkest times bearable \ and a comma here and help me to reach a new day
rather than die. To me the transition into the last line seems a little rushed.

My starry eyed girl with the sunshine smile
you ~~keep~~ make my world bright.
~~Your~~With kisses that melt my frozen heart.
I am warmed when you hold me tight.

My starry eyed girl
you are my world
the orbit of my existence.
You breathe a nebula of life into my lungs. Wow. I love the imagery here.
You make me feel alive for an instant. Again, I think this line is a little rushed

My starry eyed girl
your love brings me life.
You save me from myself. This entire part is just repeating in a way what you have already said through the rest of the work.

My starry eyed girl
you make me stronger
so i am no longer my weak ~~little self~~.

My starry eyed girl
I love you
more than anything in the world.

My starry eyed girl
I can only hope that you will always be my gal.

Okay, I have to admit that this poem was rather cute. I did take some things away and added some in red that I believe would help the overall flow of your poem. That being said, I am slightly disappointed that this poem is pretty cliche. I do like some of the imagery that you have used like the whole

You breathe a nebula of life into my lungs.

but most of what you have written is just so overly used and it starts to get boring reading poems with the same things over and over.

For a little tip on cliches....

Spoiler

1. The vast majority of clichés in poetry—up to 90 percent or more of clichéd phrases, stock imagery, stereotypes, etc.—arise because of the bad or lazy use of modifiers. You can avoid many clichés simply by freshening up the modifiers, the adjectives, etc. It really can be just that simple.

For example: don't tell me about "dark shadows." Use a fresher modifier. Describe to me "red shadows" or "thin shadows," anything but "dark shadows."

Avoid similes, and use actual metaphors, especially striking metaphors. Don't give me "my love is like a red, red, rose;" give me "my squirrel love scurries up my roots." Most of the time, except perhaps when it's there for purely metrical reasons, the word "like" used in a poem as a simile is a waste of a syllable, and a red flag telegraphing to the reader to be prepared for some kind of comparative imagery. Why warn them? it's doubtful your simile's going to be so shocking that they have to brace themselves in advance.

2. You can also fix a cliché by evoking it without evoking it. How do you do that?

You do it by subverting the cliché, in various ways.

First off, change those modifiers. Pick modifiers that sound close to the originals, but mean something else.

You can also simply reverse the modifiers so that the elements of the cliché have been shuffled around. On some level, the reader will still the cliché in their minds, but the actual words won't be the cliché.

For example, "it was a dark and stormy night" might become "it was a storm and darkening light."

... A cliché is at root a sign that stands in for something else: it is a phrase that tries to evoke emotion or depth by repeating a stock image or phrase. The reason so many clichés become a problem is because, through repetition, such stock signs or phrases have had all the life bleached out of them.

4. Come at the poetic moment, and poetic experience, from a completely different angle. An unexpected angle, even to yourself. Use your primary artistic tool: your imagination.

----http://artdurkee.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-to-avoid-using-cliches.html

I would suggest checking out the rest of blog for some more useful information. Anyways, lets move on ... To answer your question about the stanzas...

When you want to create a new line I suggest hitting 'shift-enter' instead of just plain enter. Also I have found that sometimes if you are copying and pasting a poem (or other work) from another site or a word document into the publishing center, no matter how hard you try to edit it the format just stays messed up. That's why sometimes I find it easier (not really faster) to just re write the poem before you post it. Also since your stanza's did combine together I created my own above where you repeated the phrase

My starry eyed girl

If that's not how you originally had it, sorry.

Okay, so I think I'm finally finished with this review. I hope I helped and didn't sound to rude. You do have a cute idea but it needs to be executed in a more original style. Good luck and continue writing... Myjaspercat.

Ang920

Comment

Ang920 commented Comment · Jun 27, 2016

AN: For seem reason when I published this poem the stanzas all combined together. If anyone knows how to fix that please let me know.
Thanks!

My Starry Eyed Girl

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