I could hear you choke,
I could smell the poisonous smoke, I could see the burning house,
I could taste that bitterness on your tongue,
I could touch the wounds on your skin;
the old ones - healed and soothed,
the new ones - purple and bruised,
So I took each one of your stabs with a grin,
never altering anything.
The choking faded away.
The smoke died in the ashtray.
The house burned down.
The bitterness took over, combining your throat and tongue.
The wounds turned into scars, though hurting still,
And so I am left fading with the smoke,
Waiting for the overkill.
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I like that you can read it literally, as in that there's real smoke that really chokes you and that really does burn the house down but at the same time there's also a layer of metaphor over it. That it's a symptom of something deeper and that the root cause of all this is what gives the lyrical narrator these scares that still hurt. I also find it fascinating that the other person in the poem seems to also have been hurt deeply and doesn't appear to know how not give back that hurt. And that it's still not over. Might make it a good thing that the house burnt?
I really like that line:
Heyy Ana....First of all, a warm welcome to YWS, Ana! Wishing you all the best for your future works.
When I read your poem, the first impression it gave me was of an abusive relationship. I am not sure if that was your intention, but the emotions strongly conveyed that idea to me. The poem seems to capture the difficult truth of being trapped in such a situation—knowing deep down what one is going through, but still staying. Sometimes people remain in these circumstances for the sake of children, and other times out of fear. You managed to portray that tension beautifully.
One of the strongest parts of your poem was:
"The bitterness took over, combining your throat and tongue.
The wounds turned into scars, though hurting still,
And so I am left fading with the smoke,
Waiting for the overkill."
This imagery is both painful and powerful, leaving a lasting impression on the reader.
The title SMOKE also deserves a special mention. It is simple yet symbolic—only when the smoke clears do we truly see what lies beyond, and that meaning adds great depth to your poem.
Overall:A wonderfully written piece with strong imagery and deep emotional resonance. Looking forward to reading more of your works. Please read do look into some of my works when you have time. Have a great day and keep rocking 😎
( By the way loved your name)
Hello, thank you for the comment. I jus love reading them. I was actually not writing about an abusive relationship, but that is the beauty of poetry, everyone can interpret it in their own way, matching their life and experiences. Also thanks for the warm welcome, I will definitely check out some of your writing in the next few days. <3
Oh forgive me Ana..may I know what's did u had in kind when your writing. Thanks for the reply. I always loved when I got replies.
I wrote about a friend of mine, in some sense the poem is very literal, some additions are metaphorical. But the poem is mostly about how I can see him suffer, but am not able to prevent it, therefore I and my other friends also suffer, partly because we love that friend, partly because he is changing for the worse.
Heyy Ana..First of all, a warm welcome to YWS, Ana! Wishing you all the best for your future works.
When I read your poem, the first impression it gave me was of an abusive relationship. I am not sure if that was your intention, but the emotions strongly conveyed that idea to me. The poem seems to capture the difficult truth of being trapped in such a situation—knowing deep down what one is going through, but still staying. Sometimes people remain in these circumstances for the sake of children, and other times out of fear. You managed to portray that tension beautifully.
One of the strongest parts of your poem was:
"The bitterness took over, combining your throat and tongue.
The wounds turned into scars, though hurting still,
And so I am left fading with the smoke,
Waiting for the overkill."
This imagery is both painful and powerful, leaving a lasting impression on the reader.
The title "SMOKE" also deserves a special mention. It is simple yet symbolic—only when the smoke clears do we truly see what lies beyond, and that meaning adds great depth to your poem.
Overall: A wonderfully written piece with strong imagery and deep emotional resonance. Looking forward to reading more of your works. Please have a look at my works when you have time. Have a great day and keep rocking 😎
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Hiii I really like this, it’s intriguing
Can I make up my own backstory for it??
Hahahahah. Yes, of course!