Dancing with the devil

Hello Anastasiastint,

I am lucky to have found you, for I was looking for a short poem to satisfy the points and relieve my tired eyes from too much bright reading. Let us dig in, shall we?

"I tried to shed my own skin,
still,
it grows back every time."

For some, our skin is of a foul nature; we cannot wait to be rid of it. Seven years is too long a time, and the shedding is forced, but not so much so that it will never come back. It always does.

"I tried, to kiss the sun goodnight,
yet,
it will never stop shining so brightly."

To kiss the sun at his mightiest, to burn our lips at his shining presence, a mighty feat, no? But the sun leaves when the moon comes, and our chance for the goodnight kiss disappears. Even if he weren't so bright, we would never have a chance to kiss those who are always leaving.

"I tried everything,
even dancing with the devil,
but he wouldn't stop stepping on my feet."

It's a funny thing to think of the devil who plays the fiddle but cannot dance, as if with his fall from grace, he left his wings and got two left feet. Sometimes stepping on your feet is a sign that maybe it is not your time, a constant reminder of pain that you're still here.

I dance in the rain so no one can tell,
Which drops are sky-born and which are mine.
Love, Hawinay

Hiii! Hop here with a review! Here is my take on it!


this one’s simple but it hits in a way that sticks. the repetition of “I tried” feels like someone who’s been trying for a long time, and nothing ever really works. it’s quiet. not dramatic. just tired.

“I tried to shed my own skin” that line got me. it’s such a strong way to say you wanted to change, but couldn’t. and “kiss the sun goodnight” was soft. kind of sad, kind of pretty. like trying to say goodbye to something that won’t leave.

the devil line was clever. it made me smile a little, but also kind of hurt. even when you try something bold, it still goes wrong. that’s real.

only thing I’d maybe change is the comma after “I tried” in the second stanza. it breaks the flow a bit. but honestly, the poem works the way it is.

it feels like someone quietly falling apart, but still showing up. and that’s something I think a lot of people will understand.

Keep up the good work and stay amazing!


Love,
Hop

Hey there!! I'm here to review this short yet sweet poem of yours :)
I love how you've packed so much meaning and emotion into this short poem. I interpreted it as full of frustration around your life, and realizing you have no control over it.
Throughout, I sense this back-and-forth--I can't quite tell if the narrator is trying to change for the good or the worse, and whether or not the results of their efforts are in their favor or not. I tend to love this sort of juxtaposition, and you've executed it very well! You can see it both ways--that the narrator is trying to change for the better, but life keeps getting them down. Or you could also see it as the narrator self-sabotaging, while their life won't let them do so. It's super interesting!!
I will say, I don't truly get the point of the disconnected "still" and "yet"--especially because that pattern wasn't continued with the "but" (and I don't think the line with "but" lent itself to that pattern, so I'm glad that choice was made). Sometimes we want to make stylistic choices to make our pieces stand out, but it's helpful to remember why a style choice was made. Does it help the flow or change the meaning? I'm not saying that this choice is a bad one, necessarily, but it could be worth thinking about a little more.
Overall, though, I definitely enjoyed this!! It was short, but definitely evoked some emotion inside of me.
Keep writing!
<3, daisy