Aliah was standing beside her older brother Liam while they waited in line to order their lunch from a vender at the fair. She was eagerly looking around the immediate area with an excited glint on her blue eyes. She saw something shiny in the grass about 100 feet away from where they stood. She let go of her brother's hand and toddled over to it, as fast as her little legs could go. When she reached it she picked it up. It was some sort of silver dollar. She started making her way back to her brother to give it to him when a pair of hands grabbed her and lifted her up, and just like that...Aliah was gone.
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Liam was used to his 3 year old sister wandering off, but that didn't mean that he could just look for her quietly. He was running around calling her name, looking for her. He had a feeling that something had happened, but he didn't dare let his mind think anything besides that she could just be lost.
When he had scoured the entire fair he alerted the police that were watching. They called it in and someone made an announcement, interrupting the cheery music that Aliah was missing.
Unfortunately no one could find her.
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Aliah was gently put in a car seat and buckled in. The dollar coin was still clenched in her chubby hand. She was looking around for Liam. She wasn't scared, the nice lady that had grabbed her told her that she was taking Aliah home and that Liam told her to bring her home so he could pick up a present for her.
The lady got in the drivers seat and started driving.
Aliah looked out the windows and hummed a song that Liam had played for her. She was excited to show him the coin she had in her hand.
They drove for hours, away from the city where Aliah had spent most of her short life. Eventually the tiny three year old fell asleep.
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Erica had always wanted a child of her own. Unfortunately life is unfair and she couldn't have children. She had been at the fair looking at the happy kids when she noticed Aliah. She was unsupervised and she had a thought. If no one cared enough to keep a close eye on their toddler then they don't deserve her. So she grabbed the little girl and took her away. She knew that eventually someone would come looking for her. She drove out of the city and made for her brothers place two cities over. He could make fake documents and since the child was still young and impressionable she could get her to think her name was something else and no one would ever know.
"Michelle, my darling girl" Erica whispered to herself smiling and continuing to drive.
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Liam was frantic. His little sister had probably been kidnapped and it was all his fault. Aliah was his baby sister and he took his eyes off her and let her wander off and now she was gone. His mother had been screaming at the police for the last hour to do something to find her baby. Isabella was crying in her room and her twin sister Julianne had taken off in her car the second they had found out.
Being the eldest Liam wanted to go out and find his sister. But he felt like she would blame him for being irresponsible. So he laid in bed, trying to not think. He didn't know why anyone would take a child that young and he was terrified at what Aliah would be going through right now.
He got up and grabbed his car keys, he left the house and drove down the street. He was gonna find his sister if it killed him.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hey!
Intriguing beginning. I feel like you have a few too many scene breaks though. I think the story line is good. Menacing, for sure, but good. I think the story could be improved quite simply if you put in more description or if you had a little more patience with your thoughts. For example, you could add more detail about Aliah's family and wait to talk about Erica and the ride out of the city until you finished talking about Liam's side. Plus, I don't think there needs to be a scene break in between the Aliah in car scene and the Erica scene.
Other than the lacking description and scene breaks, I think your story is really great. Keep writing and I'll try to hit chapter 2 at some point.
Hi Amnesia, here to leave a quick review.
This is a very good piece of work, the reader can really feel the fear of the older brother, the wonder of the little sister, the despair and the happiness of the woman who kidnapped the little girl.
The only thing I'd say is that here, " smiling and continuing to drive." - you could say something like 'Erica whispered to herself, smiled and continued to drive.' I feel that this might flow a little better (but it's just a suggestion!)
I can't wait to see if you develop this into a story.
Keep writing!
ABC123