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Fallen City

by Ambrose1234


Returning here was not my intention. Me and Chara had walked for miles, following the road. Yet we had never truly left the city. I don't even remember my own name. And everything around me looks the same. Dust and echoes. And yet, my biggest fear is that Chara will leave me. That one day, they will no longer see me as a friend. They are all I have left.

"I'm not leaving you." Chara said to me, as we walked down this road.

"I don't deserve you." I responded, tears falling one by one onto the street.

"Well, I don't deserve you either. Yet you're all I have."

"Get away from me!" I said, scared. Scared because I knew one day I would hurt them.

"Asriel..."

"I'll hurt you!"

"I can't leave you..."

"I'm dangerous!"

"WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!"

"I'm sorry."

"Please, don't apologize. It was my fault."

"No, it wasn't"

"If it wasn't for me, then we wouldn't be like this."

We just stared into each others eyes for a moment, before we continued walking. I noticed a sign in the distance. It read: "DANGER." the rest was so messy I couldn't make it out. I saw more glass and metal lumps, all lining the road. And I look to my side, to see Chara is gone.


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6 Reviews

Points: 365
Reviews: 6

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Mon Jan 13, 2025 4:05 am
kagehana13 wrote a review...



Hello!

This short story is very intriguing to me, as it starts off very mysterious, which is really captivating. The writing in this story really adds to the eerie mood of it. The main plot is that the protagonist is afraid of their friend Chara leaving them, and by the end of the story their fear comes true. I really enjoyed the ending of this story, it makes you curious as to what would happen next, which is something I enjoyed. I think the only thing I would change is that I would add more description in between the dialogue to show how the characters are feeling. But overall, I really enjoyed this story!




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583 Reviews

Points: 34856
Reviews: 583

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Sun Dec 29, 2024 6:11 am
Atticus wrote a review...



Hi there Ambrose! I'm Atticus, here on behalf of The Holly Berries with a Review Day review for ya.

To start with my favorite parts, I enjoyed the mystery surrounding the characters' journey. Stating that the main character can't even remember their own name, presumably because they've been traveling for so long, was a great way to paint that picture. Furthermore, the line "dust and echoes" was pretty powerful description of the surrounding landscape. Personally, I think it would make a great title as well, but that's not my point. Finally, I thought the ending was impactful; the main character's greatest fear has been realized, and it occurs in a mysterious and suspenseful way that adds an eerie quality to the story.

Moving into some constructive criticism:
The start of the dialogue between Chara and the narrator kinda came out of nowhere. It seems strange that it would begin exactly in response to one of the narrator's thoughts. On the topic of dialogue, I think it would help the pacing of the story feel more natural if there were to be some breaks between sentences, where there's description of what the characters are doing. For example:

"Get away from me!" I said, scared. Scared because I knew one day I would hurt them.

"Asriel..."

"I'll hurt you!"

"I can't leave you..."

could become:
"Get away from me!" I said, scared. Scared because I knew one day I would hurt them.

"Asriel..." Chara stepped forward and reached for my hand.

"I'll hurt you!" My voice quavers, and I step away from Chara. I avoid their gaze, diverting my eyes to a nearby rock. I can't stand to see the despair in their eyes as they plead with me.

"I can't leave you..." Chara begs. Their hand grabs my chin and directs my gaze towards them. Tears well in their deep brown eyes.


Of course I also added some description there, but I hope that exemplifies why I believe it would be beneficial to add some action in this dialogue. It breaks up the back-and-forth, brings the reader into the story, and creates a more natural flow and pacing. However, all of that is my opinion and is completely subject to whatever you're trying to achieve and the impression you want to create on the reader.

As a final note, I think that adding some more lengthy description would help bring the reader into the world you've created. Right now, I don't have a strong mental picture of where the characters are. I'm picturing something barren, where there are no clear landmarks for miles, likely flat terrain and topography, based on the fact that the characters have been wandering for so long. And yet, I can't picture the weather, anything of significance nearby, any other people or animals that may be nearby, etc. In general, I think the story would be more gripping if there was some more description of the environment where the story is taking place.

I hope these notes were helpful to you! The emotion in this story was raw and beautiful, and I enjoyed the ending in particular as it felt eerie and suspenseful. Let me know if you have any questions about anything in this review. I look forward to seeing more from you, or perhaps a revision of this same work!

~Atticus
This review is brought to you by The Holly Berries




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Points: 25
Reviews: 2

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Tue Dec 24, 2024 1:53 am
AlmanMiedo wrote a review...



This story provides an emotional glimpse into a tense and haunting relationship between the narrator and Chara, followed by themes of guilt, fear, and reliance.

Strengths -
The writing makes the atmosphere quite desolate and eerie, painting a vivid picture in the readers mind of where the narrator and Chara may be.
Additionally, the dialogue gives the reader a look into the emotions of sadness, fear, and desperation within both of the characters.

Areas to Improve-
While this story does have its highlights as I've stated, there are a few areas that need improved. For example, the pacing of this short story isn't the greatest, with things escalating quickly and the story being dominated by dialogue. Additionally, the reader is just thrown into this world with little to no backstory, which makes us not really care about either of the characters. Also, Chara's random and sudden disappearance is just left with no explanation, making this short even more confusing.

Suggestions-
I'd suggest going over the areas of improvement I mentioned before. Add more depth and backstory to each of the characters and the world around them. How did we get where we are? Why did Chara just suddenly disappear? Why have they been walking for miles? There're too many unanswered questions. I feel like another story that led up to this would make this much better, or just a slight rewrite with a little bit of backstory.

Overall, this story has great potential, however, some things need to be fleshed out before it is a cohesive and complete piece of fiction.

2.5/5




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5 Reviews

Points: 128
Reviews: 5

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Thu Dec 19, 2024 4:15 pm
TaterTotCasserole wrote a review...



Hello there, Fallen City. I am going to do a review on this piece if that's all right. (:

So for starters, this is quite an interesting story, I enjoyed it. However, I am a little bit confused. I feel like there are some missing factors and pieces of information missing. I also find it a little hard to understand the emotions displayed by the two characters.

What I think would help is to add a bit of detail, and try to paint a picture with your words. For instance; when explaining a character's emotions, add detail, like the expression on the face, the body language, and if their voice is trembling.

Here is an example of little detail versus a painted picture with detail:

Little detail: 'I was at my father's funeral, and I felt like I would cry as I placed the white rose on his gravestone. This was so hard and I wasn't ready to see him go.

My best friend came up to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. She asked me, "Do you need a hug?" And right there on the spot, I started to cry. At that moment, it began to rain. Releasing all of that pent-up emotion she continued to stay with me in a comforting way.'


Picture detail: 'I stood there, struggling to hold back tears, as I placed a white rose on my father's gravestone. A lump in my throat made my neck tight and sore. The tears I held back were starting to trickle down my face, and my body was shaking softly as I struggled to keep it together.

My friend, who was there with me at the funeral, placed her hand on my shoulder and said, "Do you need a hug?" I instantly broke and crouched down, my face scrunched as the tears and whales of pain were released from my body, and the sky's gray clouds began to cry with me. I couldn't stop, and my friend rubbed my shoulder, trying to comfort me. It hurt, I couldn't deny it. And for the first time, she didn't say that everything would be okay or asked me if I was okay, she just asked if I needed a hug. And that was all I truly needed.'


That was a bit of a long example, but as you can see in the difference, you know what is happening in the scene. Try to explain a bit about the surroundings too, like I did with the sky, it gives a clue that we are outside. Personify some of the scenes as well.

Notice how in the second example, Instead of saying, "...the sky began to rain..." I said, "...the sky's gray clouds began to cry with me..."


To wrap it up, here are the main points to help improve your writing:

1. Be descriptive, but not to the point it is overwhelming
2. Personify inanimate objects, emotions, or fantasy beings
*Personify means to give something character and emotions, to make
something that is not a person or doesn't have emotions have emotions and
characteristics.
3. Explain the environment, even if it's just a subtle hint. It will add to the dynamics of the story and give it more life.


I hope this helped, I liked your story and I hope you have a great day!

~TaterTot





I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss