Chara is the nickname of my best friend. They have been there for me, and I for them. Thank you Chara, for helping me and keeping me alive.
Pain. That's all I feel now. Endless pain. The day the city fell should have been my last. And yet I'm still here. Still here.
"Why?!" I shout into the darkness.
But no answer comes. I should have expected that, after all, no one cares about a lone boy, wandering the ruins alone. If you could even call them that.
The ground is dusty, buildings that once stood many stories tall now are nothing more than lumps of metal and glass. No corpses litter the road. Only ash. The only sign that this place was ever inhabited is the road. Stretching for seemingly infinite miles no matter where you look. I hear crying.
Looking around for the source of the sound, I see someone buried under some rubble.
I dig them out with my hands. "Are you okay?" I ask after they stand up.
"I'm fine." They say, before falling. I catch them.
"No you're not. Here, let me help you."
"I don't want help."
"You can't walk. If you walk, you'll keep falling."
"I'll take your help then. But I don't like it."
We walk together along the road for some time. I look and see a sign, reading "DANGER:" I couldn't make out the rest. But I feared what would happen if we kept going.
"We should turn back." I say.
"Why? we've almost made it to the border crossing." They respond.
"I just... have a bad feeling about this."
"Hey, I'm here for you. We'll be safe together."
"Thanks. I mean it."
"No problem. Now, let's leave this place."
We walk towards the border. The sky begins to turn blue again. The dark clouds above seemed to finally go away. And I look forward, into the border that separates this city from the rest of the world.
"It's time for a new beginning. Together." Chara says. I remember them now. My sibling, Chara.
"Together." I say.
They grab my hand, and we walk, passing through the border. Nothing can stop us, as long as we're with one another.
Chara is the nickname of my best friend. They have been there for me, and I for them. Thank you Chara, for helping me and keeping me alive.
Blue skies, toppled towers...
It's a nice story describing that boy who had lost so much, and was in so much pain his mind started to void his memories and information, until he remembered his sibling's name.
'"DANGER:" I couldn't make out the rest.'
Here I ask myself, was the signed blurred? Was the boy under so much stress he couldn't recognize the rest?
I see you and Chara are best friends.
What a lovely story for your friend!
The city as a character is incredibly interesting! The description of the ruins is haunting and almost personified: no bodies, only ash, and a road stretching infinitely. There’s something very poignant about the city’s lack of life; it mirrors the protagonist’s emotional state, in a way. I think this is a strong anchor for the tone, and it sets the scene for the story as a whole.
Though, the pacing doesn't live up.
The protagonist begins in overwhelming pain, but then this shift to hope happens abruptly. Why do they help Chara at all when they seem so resigned? The story doesn’t give us enough of their inner world to make this pivot feel earned. Chara being revealed as the protagonist’s sibling is touching as well, but it's underbaked. Their dynamic could be so much richer if we understood their past. Did they grow apart? Did they lose someone? Why does the protagonist only now recognize them?
Without any context, it's hard to feel connected to the storyline. I believe this has a strong structure, but it needs more to fully resonate with the readers. If you focused especially on character dynamics, this would shine.
All the best!
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